Dear Anita,

“Reads like he was way less sensible/ mature than you, expecting spark and butterflies on a regular, “every second”. Not possible and probably not a good idea to be sparked up and butterflied every second, 24/7, if it was possible.

Reads like he has his type, that ideal look for him, but he was willing to settle for something else for as long as he was sparked and butterflied, that is, for as long as he had the experience he wanted. When he lost that experience, he broke up with you. I suppose the honest, real reason was just that, that he lost the spark-and-butterflies-experience”

That is what I thought :/  He seemed so mature, confident and selfless. I can’t believe he said all those mean things about the way I look, I am still in shock

I think he was so wrapped up in his own head, that he pointed every reasons why he wanted to end it without paying attention to the way I felt and without trying to minimise my pain.

How will I know if someone is truly empathic ?

Thank you 🙂

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Flower.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your help !

“during the five months, did he compliment you on your physical appearance, did he tell you that he likes how you look?” Yes,  he didn’t miss an occasion to tell me how beautiful I was and how he was lucky to have me, but, he also said jockingly that I was not his type: brunette, brown eyes, 1m68. Although he wanted a blonde with blue eyes, shorter, 1m60 and 50 kg

“people, particularly men, most often do not say the truth when they break up with a girlfriend, they definitely don’t list her physical appearances as a reason. Instead, they try to be as nice as possible, partially honest or not at all, so to not hurt her feelings” That’s exactly what I thought : breaking up with someone is hard as it is, there is really no reason to make it even  hurful by listing all the things you don’t like in their physical appearance 🙁  It is as if he had zero empathy

There’s something important I forgot to mention : when I met him, he was quite unhappy with his life and he had this idea of his dream girl that would come along and fix everything.

He said he was really glad he met me and how happy I made him. I was a bit worried because I thought that was a bit unhealthy and I felt like a trophy. He was very infatuated with me and then when he broke up with me he said that he “no longer felt the spark, the butterflies, he no longer missed me every second” and he had been feeling like this for 2 weeks.

And I had to explain him those feelings had to subside and that they would probably be replaced by deeper feelings and that “love” was not a rollercoaster of emotions (correct me if I am wrong, I don’t have much experience). He was very upsed when I told him I didn’t feel butterflies for him either

But he didn’t agree because his parents who had been married for 30 years still offered flowers to each other and he didn’t think relationships required work if it was meant to be

I think when things became more “cosy” (we stopped going on dates and stayed home to cuddle or watch a movie more often) he felt something was wrong.

We never argued and he seemed to genuinely appreciate my personnality.

And when I told him I would block him because i needed to heal, he was very upset because he wanted us to remain friends