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    Hi Anita,

    He says that he’s ready to get back on the wagon. Indeed, he’s said that he intends to get back on it today. I don’t know if he’ll manage it right now , but it seems as though he finally wants recovery again. Which is the first, and hardest, step. It gives me some hope.

    While he says he can’t be in a relationship with me, he still very much is in a relationship with me. I think the couple of days break woke him up a bit to the reality of losing this relationship. I thought he was so far down the rabbit hole that he wouldn’t care to be honest.

    I’ll try some CBT and ACT with him but he very much sees himself as a burden (in general) and doesn’t want to drag me down with him. So he’s very reluctant to accept my help and support, in case I think he’s pathetic (his words).

    I’m feeling somewhat better today though, as he’s seeking to take things in the right direction for the first time in a few months. So, while there isn’t a quick fix to this situation, it does feel as though there could be a positive outcome eventually.

    I hope so at least.



    Hi Anita,

    I am familiar with the concept as I’ve attended several programs based on CBT and ACT, to learn how to cope with chronic pain.

    I’ve found the tools I’ve learnt very helpful with pain and emotional issues.

    I wish he could access similar help too. He h has repeatedly asked his GP to refer him to mental health services. Eventually they did, but it will still take several months for sessions to actually start due to the pandemic.

    Yes, the migrains are part of my health conditions, and they can be very debilitating at times. I did manage to do some gentle Pilates and dance exercises last night, which helped.

    He called me yesterday evening to ask if we could spend the night together cuddling and talking. I gave it some thought, then decided to come to see him.

    We’ve talked a lot, both cried a lot too. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and wants to be with me, but that he’s just not in the right place to be in a relationship. I understand, and I can see that.

    He says that he doesn’t want anyone else other than me and that he just needs to be alone to get himself back in to recovery.

    He also says that he hopes to get himself sorted then, if I’m still single, we’ll try again. I’ve told him that I hope it happens but I can’t wait around for him.

    He says that this is the best relationship he’s ever been in, and he’s being quite brutal on himself for falling off the wagon and ruining it.

    It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had too.

    We’ve talked and talked and talked and talked. I’m exhausted but I’m glad we took the time to talk through everything.

    I can see how much he loves me, and it hurts that we’ve been thrown a curveball that we can’t work around.

    But that’s life I guess, and it’s not always fair.


    Thank you Anita,

    You’re right about his anger. He’s tried really hard to get help. As soon as he started to struggle, he started trying to get professional help. It was like watching him bang his head against a brick wall. He fought and fought and fought but in the end he became frustrated. I think that frustration has turned to anger.

    I’m trying to pick myself up, but I have a migraine today.

    This entire thing is just awful.


    Thank you Anita.

    Your butterfly analogy is very beautiful, thank you for that.

    It genuinely was a very good relationship. We had such strong communication and love.

    But a global pandemic has thrown him way, way off course in his recovery, which makes me want to throw a tantrum and scream that it’s not fair. I know that’s childish, but today is day one so I’m allowing myself to have that today.

    I’m physically disabled, with a condition that doesn’t react well to stress. Today I’ve been in bed. I’ll start gently with exercise again tomorrow and build it back up.

    I want so badly to talk to him. We’d talk about everything and always had a goodnight call before bed.

    I know I’ll be ok in the end, I’d very much like to skip on to that part. I’m sure I’ll learn and grow from this, I’d just rather not have to.

    I also feel guilty for not being able to stand by him through this. I love him enough to. But it was starting to feel as though I was drowning.

    I feel as though he’s the love of my life. But if that were true we’d be together now, wouldn’t we?


    Thanks Anita.

    I did feel good with him, for a long time. He was my closest person and we shared an incredible bond.

    He coped with his issues. Good days and bad, obviously. But he had coping mechanisms (support groups, the gym etc).

    We’d been trying for a baby and all was going well. Until lockdown. His coping mechanisms disappeared overnight and he went downhill fast.

    He has pushed me away and embraced his addictions more and more. He doesn’t want to get better right now. Probably won’t for some time.

    I’m nearly 40 and he’s desperate for a child of his own (I have one from a previous relationship). I can’t have a baby with an active addict, I am not well enough to raise the baby alone.

    So that factors in to the decision too. If he wants a baby, it’s now or never with me. But he’s not ready. So it will have to be with someone else.

    And, of course, he just doesn’t want to make time for anyone or anything other than addiction. I find that incredibly painful.

    I’m grieving, because it was a beautiful relationship in many ways. Loving, supportive, affectionate, honest.

    But now we’re here. I’m hurting and missing him.

    This was the best decision for my sanity, and probably for his.

    It just hurts.


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