Forum Replies Created
January 29, 2024 at 1:26 am #427356
Also I would like to know about your values in life🌺🌺January 28, 2024 at 11:52 pm #427354
Wow, glad that you can tell more about yourself 🙂
I would like to know more about you, like how old are you, what is your profession, where do you live? Also, what bring you to this forum, how did you decide to help people here? Do you have any writing works, if yes, where can I found them?January 28, 2024 at 12:19 pm #427343
Your comments made think deeply and understand this situation better.
Firstly again I want to thank you for letting me practice mindfullness in this forum. Writing down my thoughts and reading your comments helped me a lot.
What I realised is, this is also a thing I discovered about myself, is when you mentioned “toxic shame”. I knew some things about it I mean I had some ideas but after your mention I read about it more.
As i said in the first post “We had same pain during our growing up”. We had a same childhood trauma, I even was shocked how our parents are similar and the pain they gave us was the same. Like we grew up together in same family. I realized that this same trauma gave us same complexity: toxic shame. But I think I am more aware about myself than him because I had therapy before and I read more things about psychology, he had nothing to do in psychology, wasnt interested at all.
So I understood how toxic shame effected our relationship from his side thanks to your comments. But I also discovered from my side: All this time after break up I was blaming myself for everything non-stop, In my mind I was aware about the situation and why it happened like that, but my feelings, my heart deeply inside there was a voice that told me that i deserve this pain, I deserve that someone I loved the most left me like I deserved that my parents were leaving me when I was a child and didnt take care of me properly. I knew that its not logical, but there was just a feeling deep inside me. But after reading about this topic, I understood that this feelings comes because the toxic shame snd I really understood that I need to practice more self-compassion and stop blaming myself for everything. Yes, i made some mistakes but the most important is that I admitted and apologized for them. I am concious about myself, I try to understand things and this is a very precious point from my character, I am proud of myself that I have ability to analyze my situation and asking for help from everywhere, for knocking the doors, instead of drowning in negative thoughts.
Also, I understood from my point is that I liked when someone put me on pedestal. For that time (the idealization period) I didnt question that much about why did he idealize me, I was thinking that it was love, I wasnt aware that its unhealthy to idealize someone in the beggining of the relationship. I was feeling that there is something wrong but I couldnt analyze, I was just enjoying love-bombing, thinking that it was real love. So our childhood traumas gave us both this kinda “narcisstic” characteristics, we both liked flying in our fantasy, being something “upper”, “bigger”, not living in the ground. But this is life and life is not easy, the reality hit me first with my job, and after the reality hit him also with his stresses in life. I could open my eyes and live in the ground accepting the reality and still loving him the most, but he couldnt handle all of this. His complexity was bigger than his love. I cant blame himself for that, he was growing up and working in toxic environment, he didnt have the chance or conciousness to work on himself psychologically, he is so used to toxic things that he doesnt know other things. With me it was different, I am more educated about mental health, i am more brave to change my job and place if i didnt like the environment . Wish he could work on this, wish i could help him with that, because as a person I can never say that he is bad. I feel sorry for him and for our relationship.
Also, I understood that you really need to work on relationship if you want to build something. Its a long journey where you need to know your partner and accept him and his complexities. That every person has their own struggles and you just need to accept it and move together. I begged him for this, but still he didnt even want to work on us. His emotions, his anger were so intense because of his complexity that he was ready to refuse me and my love. And I couldnt help with that.
So yes, I experienced so many emotions, learned things about relationships and discovered new things about myself, about my own complexities and character. I am young, Im still growing up and all this pain that I went through is normal, I am doing good and I appreciate myself for making lessons from my experience (cuz most of people they dont even try to understand)
Yes, as you said I need to grieve now. I just need time for grieving and to stop trigger myself and torture myself. I just need to focus on myself and mental health, what I am doing now.
Thank you so much Anita, it was pleasure talking to you, you really helped a lot. Is there a chance to know you more? I would like to hear your story too, about how you help people, because nowadays people dont even like to listen to you, but the way you gave your time and wrote down your comments are so precious. If you are okay with that, I would like to get to know you. But if you dont prefer, I will understand you
God bless you Anita🙏🏼🌺🌺January 28, 2024 at 4:42 am #427326
I agree with your inputs and I really appreciate them so much, it is very precious that you gave your time and energy for my post, it was so long i thought no one will read it. But i needed to write down my pain somewhere, I talked with my family and friends about it, their comments were similar but still i am so emotional and I am really so thankful to you for your input, God bless you🙏🏼
“I think that when you met him he had low self-esteem, he was depressed, overeating, overweight and feeling ashamed of himself.”
Yes, exactly like that. His ex gf cheated on him after their 1 year relationship and after that he become very depressed for 1,5 year before he met me. He told me that he liked me but he couldnt text me for a long time because he was so sure that a cute girl like is already taken, he told me that i was a kinda “super star” to him haha. These were the times when he started idealizing me. I liked your comments about movie. He had some fantasy in his head that I am a princess and he did everything to become a prince. In reality I was a normal girl who has struggles in life and tries to enjoy life as much as possible and settle her life, like any other girl!
”I don’t think that he cold-heartedly manipulated and lied to you. I think that he was able to play a role and believe in his role. But it couldn’t last, even if you stayed in your working country. The role couldn’t have become him no matter where you lived and worked, and no matter how hard you tried to make him feel valuable and loved.”
I just cannot understand, why would an adult person play all these roles? I never played roles with him, 1 month before our relationship we were friends, even best friends, we told each other everything, about our families, what we went through, our past relationships. To be honest I didnt even think dating him because i didnt find him attractive to become my partner. But after when he flied to me and literally BEGGED me to become his girlfriend, I accepted because i thought that appearence is not everything, our friendship, respect and his effort meant so much for me. After this he started to play this role. I cant understand, how after we had a strong emotional connection, after we loved each other so much, after I accepted him and started valuing him, how come in my lowest he could break up with me? I thought that feeling of love is above everything, isnt it?
Why would he destroy love? It is so hard to find love, someone who will love u regardless ur appearence or status
I think that his shame took a strong hold in him when he was a child/ teenager. It is very difficult to heal from toxic shame, it takes a lot of work, real-life work, as in psychotherapy.”
I also thought about toxic shame.. Last times he took so many things from my side as an insult. Even when I told him that i seriously think that he needs a psychotherapy he told me that i am insulting him again..
I just accepted and love him with all his flaws, complexities and struggles. I know what kind of hardships he been through and i always respected him and was proud of him. All the care he gave for me, hotels, gifts, vacations, restaurants I appreciate them all. No one ever treated me this much good and our dreams about the future together was best feeling for me.
He made me trust him and suddenly I am thrown again, i feel so bad.. And the thing is that I still love him and miss him, during our break up he told me that he is “not leaving me” and that he wants me in his life but not this way (romantic relationship). Also he told me that he has feelings but he just cant continue because he lost his trust to me plus stress at work and in uni and that he cant make me suffer by not giving me time and care…
I feel so bad that he is not appreciating my love. I am so hurt 😢 I told him everything to make him stay I gave him all my love..January 26, 2024 at 2:25 pm #427295
Dear Anita, thank you so much for your comments really needed them🙏🏼
Actually he didnt want to move to the country where i was working. But you got a right point, he wanted a connection there. Actually we were both in different gulf arabic countries and these countries were very near to each other. His country is very strict and he couldnt date freely in his country, so for him it was easy to fly to me whenever he wanted and going on dates, restaurants, hotels freely in my working country cuz although it was also gulf country but he wasnt a citizen there and no one knew him. So he was feeling more relaxed to do what he wanted there. So yes, he wanted a connection there and maybe really he get disappointed because he wouldnt come to me easily whenever he wanted..
“It’s not your fault, it’s not about your mistakes. It’s about him not feeling capable and confident in his abilities to make independent, adult life possible for himself,” – Wow, he told me the same when he was breaking up with me, he told “its not you, its me. I dont deserve you because i cant provide this relationship what it needs” But i didnt believe him i thought its only BS reason to leave me.. but after your comment I really understood it thank you so much
I just never experienced this kind of love bombing and devaluation before.. And i never had a serious relationship like this where we could talk about marriage and kids and future.. he promised me so many things and i trusted him. He was acting like he is very rich, very responsible, very mature, serious guy. In the first month of relationship he was telling me “i want to take care of you, i want to spoil you, i promise i will make ur life a paradise” , and in the last month of relationship he told me “dont depend on me” (: 😂
You are right, he cannot even depend on himself and all these showing off was a lie. He wants to be someone but yet he couldnt have any status in life, so maybe really he couldnt handle me and my love.
Because as i know, a really mature person will be with you in your ups and downs, when you are skinny or when u got fat, with job or without a job.. I was blaming myself for thinking maybe i wasnt good enough for him, but no, he wasnt and isnt perfect and i never even thought ever about his weight, muscles or his job or how much money he has. His love was so conditional to me.. I just still cant believe how a person can change suddenly after building emotional connection with me.. so sad really