Hi R,

I was moved to register for the site here and join these forums because your post resonates very strongly with me. I hope that what I have to say may make some sort of difference to you in a positive way.

Like yourself, I am an (almost) 40 year old guy. As I type this, I am sitting in what was once the bedroom of the house I am losing. I will be moving across the country in a couple of hours, driving back to my parent’s house, to try to figure out what I am going to do.

Came out of a relationship with a wonderful woman who I connected with and love very much. We are still close friends, but losing the romantic part of our relationship was one of the most painful things I have ever dealt with.

I say these things not to inspire pity or anything, but to illustrate that I have been in a similar place as you. So many relationships failed, so many connections lost. This is what I have learned, and I hope it helps:

1. It is what it is. Seems simple and even flippant. But it sums up Acceptance, which to me is the most important step of moving forward. She is gone, and nothing I can do will bring her back.

2. It takes two to make a relationship work. In my case, I certainly played a role in the downfall of our relationship through insecurity and co-dependent behavior. Recognizing this led me to search for the roots of those insecurities and I’m working on those things. She also played a role, and I cannot be responsible for the role she played. The same is most likely true for your situation as well.

3. I want somebody. I want a partner to share life with. However, I do not NEED somebody. Being happy and whole in my own skin is something that is new to me, and it is still a work in progress. The ability to look back at times in that relationship and others which caused me pain is good because I have been able to laugh and be glad that I don’t have to deal with THAT particular brand of strife. Try new things, new hobbies, go new places. Try to look at it from a perspective of now you are not chained down with obligation to anyone but you. You are free!

I wrote journals to deal with my strife and pain. I wrote letters to her that I never sent and never would. But venting that pain, getting it out of your head, is crucial.

Most important I think is time. There is no formula that says you should be over it by now. It will happen in its’ own time, but you can help the process along. Vent, work on yourself, move forward.

I read this over and I hope it does not come across snarky or mean. I mean it with the best of intentions. There is so much more I could say about where I have been and what I have done to get past it, and if you want any help or advice or anecdotes I am happy to share.