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Jeff

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #360951
    Jeff
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    So what you mean to say is that the actual problem here is the OCD. That what I need to work on and find a solution for is the OCD. And not this situation? Because last week for example I was much more at ease with the situation. While this week it’s pretty intense again. Just the same thoughts over and over. I’m just a bit scared that the only option would be to tell them. As I know rationally that it’s not an actual solution. I just want to get rid of these thoughts. My other fear is that somehow the story will unfold in the future. At least that’s what my thoughts keep telling me.

    Jeff

    #360332
    Jeff
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    My first feeling was that I felt like you can’t be an authentic person if you have secrets. I was just expressing this thought that had crossed my mind. The question I were asking is: What is the relationship between excessive thinking and OCD from your expierence or knowledge?

    Thanks!

    Jeff

    #360085
    Jeff
    Participant

    Hi Anita

     

    Wow this is an extremely interesting take on the situation. As I actually suffered from OCD when I was around the age of 13 years old. My doctor advised me to get into therapy as I faced a lot of depressive periods in my life. I’m working on this now. Lately I felt anxiety over covid 19. And also I was getting a new job. Which caused me a lot of stress as well. This guilt situation started around the time I was applying for this new job. And I think your right the obsession is the problem. Also the fact the thoughts are very self-destructive and pretty extreme are problematic. The idea that you can’t be an authentic person when you keep secrets. Could you maybe explain what the relation between OCD and thinking can be from your experience?

     

    Thanks!

     

    #359848
    Jeff
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Well I do think everyone at one point in their live questions their sexuality. Especially at that age. I always try to question things. That’s why I kind of saw it as an experiment. What I found out is that I felt bad about taking these pictures. I also didn’t think that much off it. As I actually forgot about it. I identify as straight and I’ve never in my life had any feelings for a man. I also don’t think I am keeping my sexuality a secret? As there’s not much to confess. I’m very open minded. And maybe in a few years I will have a different out take on this. But I don’t necessarily think that to be honest. It would just be so much easier if I could just confess this, move on, without causing harm. Well that’s not possible so I have to deal with it.

    #359830
    Jeff
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    1) “I took naked pictures of my team mates.. Purely out of curiosity and to find out what this might mean for me”-

    – what do you mean by “out of curiosity”, curiosity for what?

    – what do you mean by “what this might mean for me”?

    What I meant by these statements is that I think it was a way of finding out more about my own sexualility. I think I was curious if I would like having these pictures. So I could draw conclusions from there. At least that’s what I think it was. As it’s so long ago, that I can’t completely remember.

    2) Were you ever angry with your team mates/best friends for the friendships becoming one sided, for them backs tabbing you and for not apologizing to you?

    If your answer is yes, what happened with this anger, did you express it or repress it?

    Yes I have felt a lot anger and frustation towards them. For a long time. I never decided to adress it during that period. But I did addres it years later. Getting little compasion or empathy. At that time I felt like I already moved on from it though.

    3) “I must say I feel mostly guilty towards two persons in this situation”- did these two persons two of the team mates who had a one sided friendship with you, then back stabbed you and then, did not apologize to you?

    Yes, this is right. I simply don’t really know what I feel.

    but it’s just that their names keep popping up in my head. Maybe I feel guilty for holding them accountable for their actions towards me.  At that time that I didn’t like at all. Completely forgetting that I have done something towards them that is wrong too. In the bigger picture I just think it’s sad how relationships with people can change so much. Even though I know it’s completely fine. That people change as persons. And that we didn’t held each other back in our lives, just to stay friends. My biggest issues is most likely self-forgiveness.

    Can you tell me about the nature of your guilt toward the two, what is it exactly that you feel guilty for?

     

    #359764
    Jeff
    Participant

    Hi Bill,

    Thankyou for the suggestion. I have watched many video’s of eckhart at this point. They always seem to give me some sort of relief. It’s definitely consuming my body and mind. And it’s exhausting. I wish I could forgive myself. But that seems to be the hardest part. As I’m trying to solve a problem that only exists in my mind. Also the constant relief, and then my negative thoughts that are returning is so exhausting. Any more depth on how to let go and forgive?

    Thank!

    #359762
    Jeff
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you for you’re reply. You have an interesting take on the situation. I will now explain the situation a bit further. The people I took photo’s of used to be some of my best friends. I didn’t take photo’s of them because of them, but it mainly happened to be them. During that period our friendship started to show some cracks. As they seemed to have different priorities. Fast forward 2 years we completely lost touch. As it was constantly me asking them to particapte in our friendship. It was all very one sided. And in this period they constantly back stabed me. Deciding to part ways was a really though decision for me. But we did eventually and I think it was the right thing for all of us. Even though they could have apologized for the things they did to me. They didn’t. And years later I decided to talk to them and we sort of spoke things out. I’m probably not holy either so it was great to leave things in the past. We didn’t become friends again, as our lives are just completly different. And that’s fine. But I must say I feel mostly guilty towards two persons in this situation. They used to be my best friends. And for the others I feel much less guilt. Which is weird but also understandable, I guess. The weird part is that there does not seem to be any emotional connection between us anymore. Anyway I ofcourse deleted these pictures as I felt so bad about it. It just didn’t feel right to have them. As it in a sense is a sort of power. Which is wrong.

    one part of this situation I can understand, that it’s just completely not who I am as a person. And that this makes it such a big deal for me. On the other hand I have no idea how this thing can control my life the way it does. As my body has completly identified with this ungoing state of stress. And it just doesn’t feel healthy, I feel out of balance. On top of that it seems like i’m the only who has done this. And the entire internet is holy. Especially on social media. Where people keep calling other people out for past actions. This scares me. Even though I know I never hurt anyone. It’s so weird how my mind seems to be in ungoing state of confusion. Spirtually I can’t understand how this might be some sort of awakening. As I read about it online. The hardest part about it as how I thought to be over it so many times now. And it keeps coming back. It indeed controls my life. And I have no idea what I’m supposed to learn from this. Also I have a hard time forgiving myself. Which I know is so important in this process. But I’m always very tough on myself. So if you have some tips that would be great.

    Thanks!

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