RockBanana – Thank you so much for your thought provoking reply. It will certainly be insightful when I can actually achieve the results that you suggest. I think it will take time to get to that place. I am realizing that a lot of the negative feelings regarding friends and such are driven by social media. For example, I go on Facebook and I see people enjoying themselves with others and think, “Why can’t I do that?” or “Why wasn’t I invited?” or “Their lives are so much better than mine.” I need to get to the place with none of this matters and I can realize that I am social when I want to be and I do have things to offer others. I just think it will take sometime to get there.
In regards to the guilt by my father, it unfortunately wasn’t one or two times. It started when I was ten and I am in my forties now and it continued until a few months ago when I decided I had enough and I no longer speak with him. I think when a parental figure tells you that you are not good enough, you do everything wrong or thinks things would have been easier if you weren’t around, for several decades, it kind of sticks with you. I think that is a big reason I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy or enjoy the gifts around me, why I feel like I am not good enough to have friends. I know that I probably need several deep therapy sessions, but finding a place like this to put things out to unbiased people feels so freeing.
I will heed your advice and try your suggestions over and over until it sticks.
Thank you!