Thank you all so much! Your words have been so helpful!!

I’ve been fortunate enough with my mom that we’ve been able to talk at length about her death. I’m incredibly uncomfortable with burials and she’s fine with cremation. She loves the idea of a necklace that carries ash so I can always have her with me. She also knows that I want to be there at the end. But….that’s not right now; we also know our time is short. It’s the anticipatory grieving, the fear I’m not doing this right, the sense I’m being self centered and the unreasonable expectation of self that I devote myself to increasing her happiness that is absolutely driving me crazy!

Anita and Peter, thank you both for your replies! I appreciate that they are both so sincere as I tend to feel like my posts are petty.

Anita-

Growing up, my brother was violent and 5 years older. By the time I essentially started living with my friend at 12 (as my parents didn’t object due to my brothers behavior) he had escalated to regular destruction of their home and choking, typically because he was high. In retrospect I can see that they did the best they could and loved us indescriminantly, but at the time I felt disposable and as though he was more important. After my friend seemed to abandon me I did not form close relationships again, but preferred disposable ones. As a child I never expressed to my parents that I felt unhappy, not until I began doing it by acting out by about 15, which is when my brother went to jail.

The whole family dynamic has changed tremendously, starting when my brother stopped using about 5 or 6 years ago (without a 12 step program and as the result of a divorce). It has continued to improve and I’ve begun to recall some really happy times and as such feel guilty that I’m tracing my adulthood shortcomings to their parenting. One of my loudest defects now is my tendency to bounce back to an ex only to withdraw, typically with a feeling of disgust. Someone told me about emotional anorexia and after looking it up (much like a horoscope, it’s so broad and roomy I’m sure most people could more or less fit the bill) I feel less unique and have a little better understanding. I selfishly use a man when I feel empty to effect a change in how I feel, then withdraw. I can make it a month or two, but then that deep emptiness returns and I begin the cycle again. I cause a lot of damage to myself and others doing this. How does not feeling safe as a child translate into using men to escape the emptiness; how do I let that behavior go?

Peter-

I had to look up cognitive dissonance; not surprising…I have always called myself a dichotomy and this seems to be a similar concept! The example I read was of the fox and the grapes. Because he could not reach the grapes he dismissed them as being sour. Yet, subconsciously he did want them. So he now has two opposing beliefs about the same bunch of grapes.Would you mind elaborating with an example so I can better understand? I’d like to better see the areas in which I might be doing this so I can challenge the behavior that stems from that feeling!

I had an interview today for a per diem home care position, it went very well! Should know for sure tomorrow but regardless I will be ok and I made the right choice in leaving. Finishing the last 3 days of my notice and won’t make the same mistake again! On top of that I bought a cheap little motorcycle for fun this summer and while I realize I’ll always be financially responsible I also am trying to move beyond my financial fears by allowing myself to SPEND some money and let go a little! I can always tighten up funds dramatically down the road if desperate measures called for it. I’m done letting fear rule my life….once I identify I will take actions to move through instead of standing still, staring.

Anita,

My parents were always there for me, I believe, but during that time I was the low maintenance child and allowed to stay over my friends house on school nights to avoid the majority of his behavior so I think they just weren’t aware, thus I didn’t talk about it. When that final explosive attack happened I became very resentful for the remainder of my teens and blamed them for all of my emotional pain. Over those years I think they were on the defensive because they just didn’t realize or were in denial, but we’ve talked at length in recent years and it has even included my brother to a small extent.

Anita,

When I think about it it wasn’t my mom who was financially afraid, it was my dad. He would make the limiting or fearful comments, the most memorable of which was when I was around 7 or 8 I asked for a toothbrush when we were in the grocery store; he told me we were going to lose the house. My mom took out equity from their house to loan a friend in trouble a large sum of money who never repaid it…years later (I was maybe 12) my dad found out. That was another epic fight I was privy to. I felt like a burden and couldn’t imagine why they wanted kids when we were just a financial drain. It was my dad who had the financial fear. Neither of them seemed discontented by working, though. They just simply didn’t make enough.

The vacations came into play because so many of my peers vacationed and as I got older I would go with them and their families, but never with my own. One particular friend became like my family, I spent all my time with them, including school nights as my brother had become violent at that time. I recall thinking of them as family but realizing I was not when they would have me take their family photo at Christmas or other holidays. That was never pointed out to me by my parents, it was a comparison I made myself. Traveling became very important to me and something I wanted to do.

When I did get to do things, like ski, I knew they couldnt afford it and felt guilty. My dad worked in a highway department for the government and there was a single ski run there for the cadets that employees could use, so I got to learn. I also did sports in school and got to be a part of the ski club.

Im not sure if my mom or dad felt trapped, but when I was young and there were frequent divorce threats I certainly perceived it that way. Also, I could see their choice was made for them.

The ‘it’ other people have, I’m not sure what it is. It could be complacency or contentment, laziness or gratitude. My first nursing job was on a surgical unit and I met a nurse who had worked there since the year I was born. At the time I was 21 and I couldn’t imagine walking that same hall for 21 years, 5 days a week with every other weekend off. It completely blew my mind. She seemed content to me, though.

Anita,

I’m monitored heavily in my current position so I’m not able to step away except during approved and short periods of times that we’re assigned. There is a lot I could change as far as managing my time after work rather than predominantly spending evenings with my family or boyfriend or running errands; seldom have time for myself but I see that’s been my choice. My fear is not in staying in the job (this time), I know I could but it’s not what I want; years past I would leave jobs overwhelmed due to inexperience, which is luckily not the case anymore. My fear is in trusting myself enough to leave. Believing it’s okay, that I will get a job, that it’s not a defect or emotional issue causing my desire to leave but rather a job I dislike and that’s ok.

I believe my mom and dad are happy together now, but that was not the case during my childhood. They lived on very little and my moms spending created a lot of problems the details of which we were privy. I was often scared they’d lose their house and/or divorce. During this time my mom impressed upon me the importance of taking care of myself and not looking to depend on anyone else. She had no help from her parents and after being told she’d have to pay rent at 17 she moved out. By 21 she and my dad were married and she depended on him. They could not afford to divorce back then, and that was when I knew marriage and kids weren’t for me. Fear of being trapped have been profound Throughout my life and financial fear runs deep. My parents also frequently pointed out how something I was interested in might fail. I know it was from a place of concern but they passed their fears on to me; financial, interpersonal, second guessing self, etc.

My fear in letting my mom down far preceded her illness. I was a wreck less adolescent and needless to say when I arrived in AA I definitely needed to be there. But over the last 3 years a lot has changed internally and I’m far more capable of setting boundaries, etc, which a lack of ability to do so years ago caused me to burn out quickly in inpatient setting jobs. I had wanted to move away years ago but I felt guilty and stayed. In hindsight that was a good thing but I make so many decisions based on the needs or opinions of others. I feel myself slowly becoming aware of my most deep rooted fears on a more objective plane where I hope I can start changing my behavior around them.

My thouhts are all over so I hope that wasn’t too flighty!

Anita,

I have heard of CBT in my teens when (I believe) misdiagnosed bipolar and subsequently heavily medicated. So you caught me in your earlier description of psychotherapy. I’ll google that but I’ve already googled psychotherapist, not much came up but I live in upstate NY so that’s not a shocker! Thank you for the suggestion, after viewing one practitioners site I’m going to make a call after work and see what it is this person has to offer. They spoke mainly of learning to live in the present with satisfaction while steering your life in the direction you’d like. We will see!

Anita,

I think your statement that once “xyz” is resolved I’d come up with ” uvw” was completely accurate and what I was trying to elude to. No amount of savings, safety net, etc, will provide that security I’m so afraid of losing. So I keep delaying and resent my job and especially myself in the process.

I think most of my anxiety stems from having Taken some career back steps (in my opinion) and I’m afraid of being stuck where I am; that I’ve trapped myself because of how many positions I’ve had and that my current one is not clinical. I’ve been out of the hospital too long to take a travel assignment and I’ve had too many jobs for a new facility to want to hire me. The only time I felt comfortable was when I was either working per diem and took long trips or when I was on a travel assignment. I feel like quitting my current job today, but I know it’s easier to get a job when you have one.

I also think I’m feeling a bit lost, and as such I’m looking for something or someone to step in save me, help me find my way to something I feel good about.