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JenniferParticipantInky,
Thank you for your response! That had been suggested to me in the past when I was out in Reno by a pro kayaker who also worked at a “high end” gentleman’s club to make ends meet. She’d been all over with rich guys who wanted the company and while appealing, I know it wouldn’t be in line with my own personal intuition. I have a hard time asking for anything from people and on rare occasions that I do it feels as though they have me on their layaway plan and will collect when convenient to them, you know?
traveling with an older woman sounds pretty good, though. I’ve never considered that option. But that, too, sounds like a difficult prospect.
JenniferParticipantHey Patricia,
Your share is really beautiful and I identify with so much, especially the difficulty in looking over your past and the relationships held there. I’ve found that the growth is in the awareness and acceptance of the past. I must first become aware, which I avoided for years because it was painful. Once aware, I couldn’t become un-aware, so acceptance was the key. One of the best things I heard someone say was “I must give up all hope of a better past if I wish to have a peaceful now”.
I also have gotten bogged down with labels, co-dependent, alcoholic, you name it. But I believe those behaviors are a symptom of that pain, operating on a level just below consciousness. Once aware we get the opportunity to change.
I have become aware of many things and can look over my past at the recurrent and destructive patterns and truly feel compassion for the child in me. And frequently I continue the behavior well after awareness….and that is okay.
Its wonderful to have found this site and see other people seeking to grow. You have so much to offer, you’ve certainly offered much to me in sharing!
JenniferParticipantThis was a great read for me! I was following one prescribed program, which had a purpose of personal spiritual growth. It offered me so many things I’d never encorporated into my life before, yet I still decided it wasn’t the sole solution for me.
Since leaving I’ve told some of my friends and the overwhelming response was “when you bottom out again you know where to come”. I was told The guilt I felt was because I’m letting myself down, but I don’t see it that way. Life is so dynamic, and I love how flexible this is.
The fact that you felt no guilt in the original reading for your son while in 1st grade and sought to improve, which you did a year later….that is how I want to manage my own life life.
Right now im not sure what direction to go, I think there is still a massive void where this program used to be, and like ending a relationship, it’s just going to take time to adjust.
JenniferParticipantYes, I miss it. That feeling of being tired has not left but my motivation is starting to improve and I’m writing lists of what I need to do next to help organize and subdue my thoughts. I need to renew my nursing license in a couple states, get a position back in the hospital to get recent experience (a prerequisite for any agency is having worked in the position you’re applying within the last 4-6 months), and get recertification for acls, pals, and bls.
It’s the urgency with which I wish to accomplish this and the difficulty in doing so because of the hours I currently work that I’m finding unmanageable, so maybe that’s where the psychotherapy would come in, I’m sure. But I must admit I’m reluctant to consider that as an option as my last experience focused only on my drinking or on medications as a cure.
JenniferParticipantI so appreciate you speaking with me….one thing I think I may have lost was the self reliance I once had, which “failed me”. I find myself unable to make a choice unless I share it with 2 or 3 people, which had never been innate. Right now I’m afraid to make any decisions and/or don’t know where to start. I’ve been in this non-clinical position for about 6 months now. The urgency is in getting my life back to where it was; traveling nursing, free time to adventure, but with the ability to connect with people which I’ve gained in this process.
I want my old life back while keeping the many positive gains achieved through trying another approach with AA.
JenniferParticipantRather than spend most evenings going to meetings after work, I’ve been taking my dog for walks, going to the gym, spending time with my boyfriend and family. I’ve been using guided meditation at night if I have trouble sleeping.
Since “going out”, my drinking has been in bars on the weekend. I love the energy, atmosphere, and dancing. I find myself talking about the same things and in the same way as I did with people in AA…..they are not the only crew who live life with depth and curiosity. I do find it harder to do mundane redundant things now. When I started in AA I was a traveling nurse. I’ve since “stopped running” and work a boring 9-5 for an insurance company that is stable, predictable, and has good benefits. More than wondering how I wound up in AA back then….I now wonder how I wound up here, now. I want to get back to where I was with a feelings my of freedom, rather than feeling trapped now. I’m trying, though, to move slowly and consciously through these things without blaming AA for anything….including the guilt I’ve been feeling. The drinking hasn’t been negative, my feelings in general haven’t changed, it’s the urgency that I’d note more now.
JenniferParticipantExactly! I feel doomed in some way, even though I now have evidence that there were ups and downs in life regardless of being sober.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 