Hi Anita,

I am actually married with kids. Back before I started school I was working at the same job for 10 years, but barely making enough to get us by. My wife was a stay at home mom, because daycare was too expensive for us to afford. I was really tired of constantly stressing about money, and I wanted to advance and actually have a career instead of just a “job.” So I thought and thought about it, considering the possibilities and how realistic each one was. I couldn’t imagine turning my writing hobby into a career that could sustain us. At the time I hadn’t learned anything about psychology, so that wasn’t even on my mind. I decided on business because there are business jobs pretty much everywhere you go, and some of them pay well. I was already in a job where business knowledge could possibly help me climb the ladder. So I bit the bullet and went into business classes. To be honest, I knew almost from the very start that I did not enjoy them at all. I got good grades, but still did not like the work. But I was determined to finish what I started. Even after I graduated and had advanced to the position I’m in now, I still do not enjoy business. It is far too rigid, inconsistent, and brings me no satisfaction. Maybe it’s the specific job I’m in… I’m not sure. Problem is they pay me a good salary, one I’m almost positive I cannot make at most other jobs. The main reason I got this job is because of my experience here, so if I move somewhere else I’ll likely take a large pay cut…one I cannot afford to take. We’ve thought about moving away, but again the pay cut looms in my mind, and I can’t imagine making less. So I feel completely stuck. My wife has recently started working again after many years of being home with the kids, which helps, but she is not satisfied with her job either. So we’re both unhappy, and feel powerless to change anything about that. I want to change careers, but can’t afford more student loans. I want to move away from where we live now, but can’t afford the cheaper economy in the areas we want to move. I’ve perused job ads many times, and it’s ludicrous how little some of these companies offer, even to candidates with degrees.

Sorry, rambled on a bit there. I’m feeling increasingly frustrated lately, because the demands on me at my job are starting to pile up, to near impossible levels, which is another story for another time… all I can say is I go home each day, feeling completely drained from stress and the emotions that roll around in my head throughout the day. And I feel like I have so little to offer my family at that point – that my stress is a downer to everyone in the family, but I can’t seem to shake it off.

I guess that’s it for now. Thank you for listening…

There have been several instances where I basically decided I’m not going to put myself out there anymore. For instance, I have had some bad breakups in the past, and the women sometimes completely betrayed my trust by using information I have told them about myself against me. Also, when I was in school I was not popular. My self-esteem was beat down quite often by other kids. I kept my mouth shut most days, choosing not to open up to people for fear that they would tell others. I can’t remember if there were other instances that contributed to this issue, but those are the primary causes.

Another part of the problem is even when prompted to interact in deep, meaningful ways, I freeze up and can’t think of anything to say. It seems that it must happen spontaneously or not at all sometimes. Other days it just flows out of me. I get so caught up in the effects of a long day at work, or even just in my mood at the time, that it’s often an obstacle for me mentally.

Thanks Anita, you have a point. I took one course in psychology and loved it. But I guess I’ve taken on the mentality that if it accomplishes nothing, why put effort into anything. So self-destructive, I know. I think my battle with depression really takes over more than I’d like it to.

As far as poetry, I’ll post one I wrote about an hour ago. My poetry seems rather dismal lately, because that’s the outlook I have right now. But it’s a very therapeutic way to express emotion, whether it be happiness or sadness. I guess I’ve just been feeling more of the latter lately.

Anyway, here’s the poem:

Another gray day

And I feel so far away

From everything I once enjoyed,

From the company with which I’m employed.

The joy in my heart feels dead

Just as my mind when I lay down for bed.

Don’t get me wrong

I have a million thoughts and a song

Swimming through my brain

At any moment just to keep sane.

But I can’t express them in words

For fear of being misheard,

And I’m tired of saying the same things

Especially when to my heart no joy it brings.

I just want to scream out

Everything I’m about

And have someone listen with anticipation

As my life runs through their imagination.

But is it worthy I wonder;

Will it matter even when I go under?

I want to leave an impression

More than just my depression.

I don’t want people to remember me

For all the pain and misery.

I’d rather they understand

That I was a conflicted man,

But my heart was always in the right place

Even if I could never keep pace.

But where to begin?

And what is my goal in the end?

Questions I have no answers to

But how I desperately wish to know the truth.

I guess it’s just part of life’s big mystery

That we all must form our own destiny,

Even though some of us may fall flat

And not have the will for another at bat.

In the end

I just want to comprehend

Why I’m here

And what I hold dear.