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I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO PURPOSE IN LIFE

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  • #175417
    magic
    Participant

    Dear all, first of all I have to warn you that this is gonna be a long writing, so please bear with me. I don’t have someone close to talk to, so I decided to write my problems here, in a hope that someone will at least give me some insights so that I can feel okay again.

    I am a 30-year-old woman who lives in a Southeast Asian country. I grew up in a small village for 17 years, then I moved to a big city to pursue my education (from 2005-date). I come from a poor family, where I have never had anything fancy in my childhood; I have not even had a gut to ask for a new t-shirt back then when I was a young girl. My dad only graduated from a vocational school, while my mom was only a middle school graduate. However, both of them tried very hard for their kids’ education; mom and dad have been living separately because dad has to work outside the island, and mom once was a herbal seller in another city (now she stays at home in the village). I have one  older bro and little sis. Bro has already lived with his family in a city, 2.5 hour drive from where I live, while my sis has just graduated. Three of us went to three different best state universities with scholarships. This is probably the best achievement my family has ever gained.

    Back when I was in university, I had to earn money to continue living in a big city alone, far from home. I taught English (private lesson) and applied for a job in an educational institution, working from 4 pm after class to 9 pm. I did not own any computer or a laptop so I went to a computer rental in my area until 12 or 1 am. I did that because my family could not send enough money for my living cost. Thankfully, I graduated within only 3.5 years even if I had to spare my time for study, doing my tasks, teaching, and participating in several extracurricular activities. Then, I applied for a job as an editor in a publishing company with a very minimum wages because I just wanted to have the experience and I was only a fresh graduate. The salary that I earned was not only for me, because I had to help my family too. So I could not save much, sometimes I had to eat only twice a day so that I could survive.

    One day, I met my (ex) husband on a Facebook, yes! He was actually one of my friends’ friend so we had mutual friends. We met in the first time in his city where he still went to his university. We were in a relationship for 4 years before we decided to get married. He was an okay guy at that time, a little bit stubborn, and rude when we were in a fight (he once pulled my hair and said bad words), of course I thought it was normal. His parents forced us to get married soon although part of me was actually not ready because we had very little saving for the post-wedding party. Then we really did get married in 2013. In the first three months after living in a small rental room, we decided to rent a home. But since we were broke and we did not intend to bother our parents about our condition, we only managed to live in a rent home near a slump area. Not only that, my ex-husband started to annoy me day by day; he never wanted to help me with the chores nor taken me out for recreation. I felt so bored with my life!

    One day, he told me that he actually had debts in a bank to cover the company’s belonging that he took (several piles of books) to be sold the next week due to flood hitting in his area where he lived before we got married. It was a shocking news for me because it happened before the wedding and he never told me that! yet I told him to not be worried as I still worked for both of us. So, long story short, we agreed to let his earning to cover installment he made for the bank, and my earning went for our daily expenses. For the past 1 year, I had to share my income for myself, my parents, and my husband! I felt like I was so broke and sad at that time, because the marriage that I was depicting in my mind was different from the reality. Not only that, my ex started to ignore my needs and saw me not as a wife. One day, he was throwing things when we had an argument and I ended up crying in our room, he did not care.

    I could not stand the life I had. We then got separated. It made me feel like I was a failure in my family. I cried and sobbed for the past three months, thinking the whys and what ifs. I thought I had done enough for us. I remember one night I was thinking about ending my life so that all the problems I had would have gone forever, but my mom always appeared on my mind. I survived that night.

     

    One year later, I found a guy in one of online site where he commented on my comment about a meme. I did not know why but that guy followed all the comments I made in that site. One month later we ended up sending DMs in instagram where I could see his posts and he could saw mine. Not long after that, we had intense talks in Whatsapp. That guy was from another country, 6 years younger than me, and kinda hot. We were then building a long-distance relationship. It was not in my intention to fall in love again after my divorce with my ex, but the love I felt was really real and pure. We talked once in every two or three hours and then had a video chat at night. He was living in one of South Asian countries with his family and working at a smartphone company. Apparently, he is from a rich family where his dad has a big smartphone workshops, the most popular one in his city. Things were great and he was kinda cute, attentive, and funny guy. One day, he told me that his parent asked him to break up with me because he has to marry a girl of their favorite, yup, an arranged marriage. I was so devastated and crying all night long, asking him to not break up with me that moment and he agreed as he still loved me. In December, I paid him a visit to his country and we went to a very nice city together (I almost cried writing this, looking back the good times we had), of course his parents did not know this because if they knew that he was in relationship with me, they would get angry at him and asked him to cut me off. I appreciated what he did to me during that time, he lied to his parents so that he could be with me traveling to another city.

    In January, he was sent abroad to pursue his masters degree, a country which is actually closer to mine. I gave him supports and we continued video calling each night to just say good night or talked about our days. Three months later, I paid him a visit again to his apartment where we had a lot of fun for the second time, we went to clubs together, had fun and made out each night. I was so happy!

    Then, 2 weeks ago, he broke me up because I was asking him to reply to my message which I sent 1 hour ago. He looked active in messenger but didn’t reply me, so I was a bit upset saying ‘babe just reply when you were active, if not i will kill you’. He was so mad maybe because I said that when his friend was visiting him, so he could hear what I said in video call. Then he called me names and saying that this relationship is over. To be honest, we did fight a lot in our relationship due to many reasons, be it him being so lazy to text me back, or he forgot to check on me after his class finished. And during our fights, he always said rude things like “fuck you”, or “go to hell” kind of phrases. I knew he was rude but I still accepted him by giving him some advice that all women won’t like to be treated that way. Many times he apologized and I always forgave, even when I checked his email and caught him trying to talk to girls in a dating site, in which he was crying for apologize and prevented me from going ( I was visiting him when I caught him doing so). He reasoned that he did that because he felt so upset we always picked fights and he swore that he never replied to any girls’ messages. I forgave him!

    But I made a small mistake by saying “i will kill you if you dont reply me back” and he was mad at me big times, and broke me up in a bad term. I tried to explain that it was not serious by calling him again, but he rejected all my calls telling me to fuck off.

    I WAS SO ANGRY AT MY SELF AND I FELT SO LOST!!

    Three days later, I tried to call him again and he picked up. I asked him did he really want to break up and he said yes. He made an explanation that the relationship was not working because his parents always told him to cut me off and be with a girl of their favorite. I was asking will he see a girl before he gets married, he said he does not want to be in a relationship with anyone.

    I feel like all my time and efforts I put for this relationship is wasted. I feel so sad about what have happened to me, to my life. Why is it that I felt like I found a new love after my divorce, but then the universe did not conspire?

    I am feeling like i hit the bottom twice! I cry every night thinking about the possibilities if I did not say that sentence, would he still stay?

    #175425
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear magic:

    Reads to me quite clearly that even if you did not say that sentence to him, that this relationship was going to end because of his parents disapproving of you as his wife (being from anther country and what not). His loyalty, emotional and financial, is to his family, not to you. So he wouldn’t have married you.

    You are a hard worker, hard studying and working. What are your plans at this point (to get up from the bottom you mentioned in your last paragraph)?

    anita

    #175847
    magic
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks so much for your kind response. I think I just need to continue working hard and pursuing my dreams. I just feel like I am not lucky, like any other girls outside . Those who have rich family who can help them out financially or spiritually. I kind of feeling lost in this world. I feel like life has beaten me up many times every time I try to pick my self up. My parents can’t understand what I am dealing with because I can’t tell them what I have been through, my mom is sick and if I tell her my problems, I am worried that she will keep thinking about me and it doesn’t sound good for her health.

    So I am trapped with my emotional baggage alone without any back up. I have to face the world in my own feet. I try to be strong day by day, but sometimes I feel so weak and just wanna cry out loud.

     

    Why is it so heavy?

    #175849
    magic
    Participant

    Btw, regarding my ex boyfriend, I knew that I can’t be together with him in the end. He always said that many times when we’re still together. I just didn’t understand why he shut me down like nothing has happened between us. All I wanted to if he really felt free without me, was just end this well. Talk to me with a nice, calm voice. Or at least speak to me in a good manner. But no. He tried to end up the conversation as soon as possible when I called him the last time. I felt so broken! Didn’t he remember all the things that we have done for this relationship??

     

    Why can he do that? 🙁

    #175863
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear magic:

    Regarding your most recent post: when you texted him that you will kill him if he doesn’t respond to you, you killed your right, I believe, for a “nice, calm voice” on his part, as a response. You… killed your right for him to “speak to (you) in a good manner.”

    This is a consequence of your threat to kill him. It doesn’t matter that you weren’t able to kill him, being physically so far away. The .. threat of it is .. how should I put it… unacceptable.

    I hope you accept the understandable consequence of your threat to kill another person. What you lost, again, is further communication with him. You did not lose a future with him, as such was not to be no matter what you said or did not say.

    As to your post before last: it is kind, that you don’t want to burden your sick mother. I understand that. You asked: “Why is it so heavy?”- my answer: because you carry your burden alone. You need a friend, a boyfriend who is kind and loving, present, who will help you carry your burden, so it is not so heavy.

    anita

    #175877
    magic
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I did not threat him for real. It was just my expression of being upset because he didn’t text me while he was active in messenger. My threat was not supposed to be taken seriously cos I even said it in a soft tone. I think he was angry because i said that in front of his friend. His ego kicked in that’s why he reacted that way. But let’s say if he said that to me. I would just say “well, sounds I don’t have a choice than replying to your messages then”. I won’t be angry because if he said that in a soft tone, i would not think he is serious in saying such thing. But no. He tok it so far; breaking up with me, while 1 hour ago we were joking around.

    The fact that he just wanted to shut me down like that really made me broken. Even if I did a wrong thing, I believed I deserve to be treated better, like maybe being given awarning first. Not suddenly being cut. Then what have we done the past one year for?? It’s not like I was just a regular girl, i was his girlfriend. Previously, he did many mistakes, but i always forgave him!! Many times! And i just made a mistake he didn’t wanna forgive me. This thing sucks.

     

    Oh, btw, last night i dreamed of him…he died. Not only that, i saw how he died. Very tragic and horror . I saw his blood everywhere, he was hit and crushed . I woke up from my dream and got panicked. I cried out loud and i wanted to text him, but I can’t since we don’t text anymore.

     

    What kind of sign is this or what does it mean?

    #175899
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear magic:

    Before talking about your dream, I ask: if you believe it was not wrong to text him that you will kill him, why do you call it “a mistake”?

    anita

    #175991
    magic
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I said even if…not that I think I made a mistake by saying i will kill you, because honestly I really didn’t wanna kill anyone in tje world. I knew what my intention was. And I knew that I was not sounding like i threat him. I said “if he saw it as a mistake”, then I guess I still deserved to be treated better than “fuck off, i hate you, bitch!” kind of phrases. Because back then when he made many mistakes, I never said rude things. I just cried and forgave him. So why he can’t forgive me for my mistake if he saw it a mistake?

    #175995
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear magic:

    In your original post you wrote: “I made a small mistake by saying ‘i will kill you if you dont reply me back'”. In your most recent post you indicated that you don’t believe that you made a mistake, neither small nor big.

    You and I disagree big time. I think it was not only a mistake, it was a verbal act of violence, a wrongdoing on your part.

    I think you shouldn’t say that to people again, regardless of the tone you use or your intention.

    anita

     

    #176019
    magic
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thanks for always responding. I think what i did was not equal to what he did to me the whole times. He was rude every time we picked fights. He also didn’t want to care about my feeling although I already told him if he made me sad. I only said “i will kill you” in a not serious manner and it was not me being so furious, i kept my voice soft indicating its only an expression.

     

    Trust me, in our relationship, I think I always forgave him no matter how big his mistake was. And what I wanted you to understand is that I believed he only wanted to push me away because he was ashamed of his friend! Not because my wrongdoing was unacceptable. Anyway, whether you still agreed that I was the one to blame here, I just want someone to understand that I did become a good girl the whole time, and he behaved that way just because he wanted to be free from me and because of his parents too..all I wanna understand is why he could do the cutting right away even 1 hour before we were laughing together in a video call and joking around!

     

    His quick change of behavior was the one that I never forget. I just need to spit everything out here to reduce my heavy emotional baggage.

    #176021
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear magic:

    I hope you do feel better and that posting here will reduce your “heavy emotional baggage.” Post as many times as you would like. I wish someone else, another member, will reply to your thread. Maybe someone who … agrees with you that it is okay to say what you did.

    Maybe you can start a thread with a different title so to get more attention to your thread, attention to this question of the saying we are discussing here. It may be a good idea, or not. Your choice.

    I will answer your question before I withdraw from your thread (hoping, again, that others will answer you here or in a new thread). You asked: “all I wanna understand is why he could do the cutting right away even 1 hour before we were laughing together in a video call and joking around!”?

    Because your last joke (defined as a statement you didn’t mean, that you will kill him) … wasn’t funny.

    anita

    #176183
    magic
    Participant

    Anita, thanks again for your time to reply. I really appreciate that!

    I know that as human being, we all make mistakes. That’s why I always tried to forgive him. Maybe for you I was making a big mistake that’s why he pulled away. But as someone who could make neutral opinion, what do you think about his behavior when we were still together?

    1. He always called me by names when he was angry; I never did when i was angry.

    2. He always said rude things to me when ww picked fights, like “yeah, go to hell and don’t come back”, that’s where you from.

    3. He liked to play video games and spent moat of his time playing rather than talking to me even for 30 mins.

    4. He always followed new girls on his social media although sometimes i told him what I felt when he did that. If they’re from school or people he knew, I don’t have problems, but most of the times it’s random girls who followed him.

    I knew all of these questions didn’t change my situation, but I wanted to know others’ perspective.

     

    Waiting for anyone to respond.

     

    Thank you so much!

    Love,

    Magic

    #176197
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Magic:

    You are welcome. Well, I am not withdrawing from your thread yet because I have something to say about your last post-

    Regarding #1 and #2: these are not mistakes that he has made when calling you names and saying you should go to hell. These are verbal wrongdoings. A mistake is something someone does when not paying attention, for example, forgetting that the stove is on and overcooking an egg.

    What you are describing, on his part, and your threat to kill him, these are not mistakes. These are wrongdoings, offenses: intentional, born out of anger, and intended to hurt or scare another.

    anita

     

    #178411
    Rachel
    Participant

    Dear Magic,

    You sound like a hard working intelligent young lady.  I think you deserve to be treated better.  You have overcome so many obstacles in life that not everyone faces.  You should be  proud of yourself and not settle for men who sware at you.  Next time someone does this, take it as a sign.  You are young and you are still learning about people and life.  You will make wiser choices.

     

    Best wishes,

    Rachel

    #199689
    Jerry
    Participant

    Dear Magic,

    We all do or say things we regret. But if someone instantly cuts you off without asking for clarification or an explanation, then they are probably not worth your time. From your story, it sounds like this guy you were talking was looking for a reason to cut you off. Maybe it was because of the pressure from his parents. Maybe it’s because the long distance thing wasn’t working for him. Who knows what the reason may have been. But the simple truth is that it sounds like he didn’t deserve you anyway. You have had to work for everything in your life, while he has probably been handed stuff since he was young because his parents are rich. I know you feel bad now, but just know that there is someone out there for you; someone who will understand you and care for you, and never tell you to f*** off or say anything rude like that. Keep your head up – life is a rollercoaster, and sometimes has more downturns than upturns. I’m going through hard times in my life as well, but I keep hoping better days are around the corner. That thought is the one thing that really keeps me going.. and I hope you can realize that not all of life will be this sad. Best of luck to you.

    J

     

     

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