dear Mark
Thank you so much for good advice..I’ll try to improve myself rather than  stucking with  those negative thoughts…but sometime my mind is just so doom…it keep bringing back those hurtful feeling in the past and sometime I’m too weak to resist especially when I find no one to rely on.

Dear Dreamer04
Thank you very much for understanding my situation clearly and give me an advise. I will try to do what you say..focusing on my goal and being who I am even sometime I feel pain when I think of what she has done. Talking to her about this stuff seem to be very difficult for me. I hope time will heal everything.

Thank god that I have a chance to tell this to someone and get some advise back even I don’t know you guys in person. I feel very grateful to all your attention on my story.

Thank you very much indeed.. : )

Dear Peter

Thank you very much for your advise. Yes, that’s my ideal picture. We both could have a farm and sharing our product and knowledge. I should be happy with her but in reality, I don’t understand why it is so hard.

And it could be true as you said. With my life condition and financial status, to reach my goal is not so easy so I take a very slow steps. I’ve been read through few article about one up manship friend or someone who have been copied their dream or goal. It could be something about my egotism and identity because I feel like I am the one who came up with this idea before her. Then, I become the one who seem to be copying her because I started it later.

I and her had set up a small business together. Before she built her house in a countryside, we were working along and run this business together in the city. Once her house finished and she decided to start her farm , she just left those management part on me and only did what she can do from far away. That’s mean she can start her farm whereas I had to run the business and finish up those left over project in the city. Every time when she return to the town, she always tell me how beautiful her life is in the countryside and how shitty the city life is. That’s also made me frustrated to see her progress in something I wanted to do but I had to stuck with many responsibilities in the city.

Now, she has started her farm for a year with help of her husband and start selling some products while I just start building my house on an empty land. However, once I start sharing this story to you guys, it help me pulling myself back and focusing on what I want to do but I don’t know why I always feel down when I see her showing off her farming story and living a life I dream of.

I never expect that one day I will become this kind of person who cannot be happy for friend happiness. Am I a bad person? How can get rid of this negativity?