Confus3d,

I am a single woman and have been in your position before. Sometimes I obsess over someone I’m interested in, and I realize that it can be unhealthy, but thankfully as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned a few strategies to deal with these situations.

1) First of all, you should not feel ashamed of developing feelings for your roommate. We are human beings, and we biologically seek compassion and love. It is often natural to develop feelings for someone in your situation because your roommate sees you in the every day – at your best, and at your worst – so he probably knows you very well. This is something natural – to be attracted to someone who can sense your ins and outs and doesn’t judge you for them, who has compassion and empathy for you even in your worst moments. Isn’t that what we all strive for in relationships? Someone who loves us and accepts us exactly as we are?

I suspect part of your worry about this situation is the guilt and shame you feel about being attracted to him, but you should feel no guilt or shame. Despite your lack of experience with men, you are a woman! You are allowed to develop romantic, sexual feelings for men! Don’t feel ashamed!

2) Try not to hide from these feelings of attraction and instead embrace them within yourself as you would like them to be embraced if you uttered them out loud to him. Despite your lack of experience, try to imagine what it would be like if a different man that you cared for very much revealed romantic feelings for you to YOU. How would YOU react if someone told you this? If it was someone that you generally had a good relationship with, even if you did not share those feelings, you likely might react with compassion, and quite frankly be flattered by such a revelation. It always feels good to be told by someone that they have affection for you – if you respect the place where it is coming from, it is a deeply flattering sentiment, and most people in caring friendships will react with appropriate care. From what you say about the way your roommate treats you , your roommate sounds like he has deep compassion for you — trust in that compassion because it is real. Trust that even if you reveal your feelings for him and he does not return them, he will not hate you or feel awkward around you. You are not a horrible person for having feelings, like every other human being on this planet.

3) Consider telling your roommate how you feel, and think about how you will accept the consequences of doing so. I have found that sometimes when I start thinking a lot about someone, it is better to just tell them, because thinking a lot about the person and not doing anything about it only breeds more unhappiness. But be realistic with yourself. Think about how you will move on from the situation if he doesn’t return your feelings. If you think it could harm your living situation, think very carefully and realistically about how you would manage that? It’s important to stay based in reality – obsessiveness sometimes allows you to get carried away in fantasy, and away from the realities of a situation. If you look at it very honestly, and come to a place of understanding that he might not return your feelings, that might prevent you from getting carried away in obsessive fantasy. But do consider telling him your feelings, because once you say it out loud, you might just discover that it isn’t as big a deal as you worry about, and that once you release that feeling into the open, the obsessiveness often goes away.

4) If you do decide to tell him, do it with a sense of humor! Don’t think of it as a life or death situation, because it is not! Be able to laugh at yourself, and your feelings! Often times, if I decide to tell someone I like them and I’m worried about how it will be taken, I make sure to make them aware of how embarrassed and silly I feel about what I’m about to tell him (not that it is embarrassing or silly – but admitting that I am embarrassed allows me to be honest and laugh at myself). I’ll say something like – “I have something really silly that I need to admit to you,” or “You know, we have a really great relationship, and I value that and wouldn’t want to harm it, but…..”. Always let them know how much you value the relationship you already have with them, and that you are concerned about maintaining positivity no matter what happens. I think this gives people a safe space to be honest with you back, without feeling the pressure of being obligated to say yes or make you feel better if they don’t share your feelings.

And even if they don’t return them, again, just try to laugh at it, and don’t judge yourself so much. Everybody falls in love, everybody says silly things when they have feelings – it’s OK!

5) You might consider telling your roommate how you feel as a practice for getting comfortable telling other men how you feel in general. Even if it isn’t meant to be with your roommate, I’ve found that just by trying with different people, even when it doesn’t work out with that person, makes me feel immensely more comfortable with admitting and not being ashamed of my feelings in general with other people. You become more confident the more you share your real self with people, so look at it as practice – the more comfortable you are admitting your feelings now, the more comfortable you will be when the right person comes along.

Sorry this is so long! I hope this helps! And remember – don’t be scared! Don’t be ashamed of your feelings, and don’t let other people make you feel ashamed of them 😉

4)