Hey brother I completely understand the situation that you have been going through. I have and am going through the same exact situation, except I have a daughter I can’t see her and spend time with her because of situations I put myself in. And like you when I’m down on myself i end up punishing myself. I was so down I was in a super self destructive mode. I didn’t care. I escaped with drugs and super over indulged in anything that would give me pleasure. I’m 30 now and this spiral started at 26 27. I was in my own personal hell. Being through hell and back has gave me deep scars but now the only thing that comes from those scars is love. I have always believed we as humanity has always been here for the wrong reason. We are so caught up in ourselves as with possessions and careers and having the best of the best. We miss the things that makes us humans. Once we can get passed the woe is me part of it and try to live outside ourselves, we can get to see the purpose of why we are here. What I tend to feel is for each other. Love ourselves and loves those who can’t love themselves. I don’t want to preach or tell you anything. I just wanna say you are loved and I’m glad you are finding answers for yourself. What works for you. You are not alone in this fight of self exploration. I wish you the best of luck my friend and I hope you can feel whole again soon. Before I go though. I want you to never forget this. Everything you will ever need you already have, it’s all within you. You are the answer. Best of wishes