Valora-

I’m really not looking for much support, I’m just looking for ANY support. I mentioned before that I don’t have many close friends to talk to about this and my mother who is very supportive, is very limiting in her perspective in this situation. And although comforting as she is, it still doesn’t replace the need for your (a) partner.  I guess that’s why I it was so easy to fall into this affair, and the least bit of affection was very attractive to me. Since it had been so long since there had been any form of intimacy with my wife (and I’m not just talking about sex). Emotional intimacy/connection is really what has been missing and the physical aspect was just a by product in the affair. The connection with my wife had been virtually non-existent for years, our relationship really isn’t as deep as I thought it was, especially if we can’t communicate on how to maintain our relationship without the added tragedy. I honestly want to work things through, but it is hard to see what that dynamic might be.

I am ashamed of the affair, as I am really not that type of person. I respect the person I had the affair with greatly and would most likely date a person such as herself if I were single, but I feel like the whole situation has mired anything that I could potentially have with her in the future,  if any such opportunity presented itself. As for my wife, I know my actions don’t say it, but I do respect her, I just wish that it was easier to communicate with her on just a little deeper level, especially now. As for Counseling it’s ok and helps get my thoughts organized and in prospective and I feel has been constructive, I plan on continuing and hopefully when the time comes I can include my wife for that. I really don’t want to divorce for the kids sake, but I don’t know if that is being true to myself or the family. Thanks for all your suggestions

Velora-

I think that was my point, really. You can’t possibly understand the pain she is going through, but yet you were placing expectations on her on how she should have handled her grief and the situation. Right I can’t begin to understand, but the only way I can understand is by her sharing why she is handling it this way. The dialogue has to happen, I would think I would be the one who would most understand our current situation. I guess I didn’t realize I was putting an expectation on how she should be dealing with things; I was just going off of past precedent as to how we have operated. Obviously this is a different animal. And yes, I guess I am a little upset that we can’t communicate and that we can’t do this together and how my wife is handling things. I’m sure she is frustrated with me as well. I’m not saying my way or her way is the correct way in any shape or form. No one can tell another how to grieve, I get that. I have never felt so distant from her. I am defiantly no perfect man, that is apparent here. But I have nowhere else to turn, I’m broken, alone, empty, sad and apparently she is comfortable doing this on her own, I am not comfortable or ok doing this on my own. I just feel that we should have some semblance of doing some grieving together, am I wrong in wanting that?

Thanks for your insight, it defiantly gives a different perspective.

Anita/Valora-

I did see the post from Valora and I appreciate the feedback as to what my wife may be feeling. I try to understand the pain she may be going through and I know the scars both physical and emotional will always be there. But I can’t pretend to know what she may be going thorough, as dark as they may be, if she doesn’t present it; even when asked.

This statement from above: Maybe she thought you will feel better if you saw her feeling better and functioning well- maybe she thought moving on was going to help you too. Takes into a lot of assumptions as to what I may be feeling, when I clearly stated that I was not happy with the way we were handling things. And you make the affair sound like I was out all night, never home, never paying bills, never taking care of our small farm, never running the kids to school or activities, never feeding the kids and making dinner so my wife could go out with friends or ride her horses, never cleaning or pitching in to help our household run. We share the responsibilities and I am thankful that she works hard both at home and at work. But marriage is more than just shouldering responsibilities and I know I have violated that trust.

I don’t know if you have ever been in a relationship as to where your physical/emotional needs have gone unfulfilled, but the death of our son has really brought into question the stability of the foundation of our relationship to the forefront and magnified the holes in our marriage. I know the affair does not help this in any respect.

First off, I want to say thank you to all who read through my post, I know it was long and I appreciate you all taking the time to comment. It means a lot.

There are some good points here, especially from Peggy. What track do I want to get back on? Jeez living as friends only or even more terrifying, brother & sister is not something I would be looking forward to and honestly if we only could get back to where we were when we were dating, I really don’t think that would do it for me. To be honest our 4 years of dating were ok. We have always had trouble in terms of communication on any real issues concerning our relationship. The years of dating my wife in my book were just ok. I have been in other relationships where physical intimacy, emotional connection and communication was not a huge issue. But what attracted me to my wife was that her personality was totally different from anyone else I dated. She made me laugh and we got along very well. Her inexperience (meaning I was her first serious relationship) in relationships was one issue that I first had, but I figured that things would work themselves out. And they did for a little bit. Quite frankly during the 4 years of dating no one else came along to make me question my decision. After we got married and bought our first house was when I first really notice a decline in physical intimacy and emotional connection. We rarely talked about anything else but our day, we were on different schedules and as much as I tried to keep the spark alive, there were many times that I reached out only to be shutdown or questioned as to why I think that she didn’t love me anymore. I was committed though and honestly I don’t give up on things very easily, I loved and cared for her very much and I thought she was worth it to try and correct anything I thought was an issue. But it can be very hard to change someones “values” or “convictions” to conform to yours. Make no mistake, though, my wife is a good and generous person, great mother to our kids and an extremely hard worker at home and her job.

The death of my son has really magnified the issues that we have in our relationship and I don’t want to abandon my wife and kids in a time when there is so much pain, but I can’t help “fix” my family if I can’t “fix” myself first. I am not using that as an excuse for the affair, but god when someone comes along and walks beside you in your pain, it’s hard to not follow it. And it is extremely depressing and sad when that person is not your significant other. So the biggest question to me, is if we can’t weather this storm together now, will we ever be able to weather another one or will I be out on my island again. Thanks all.