Hi Stepan. Sorry to hear you are feeling so empty:( I’ve felt a sort of hole inside of me too for most of my life (52 in May) and I’ve struggled trying to fill that hole with people, religion, drugs, etc…

You are very perceptive when you say it is up to you to find out your purpose, but try not to sell your friends and family short if you have them. The right conversation with the right person at the right time, can open your eyes/heart/mind to possibilities you hadn’t thought of before. Others may notice things about you that you don’t (things you are really good at, or seem to enjoy doing).

It’s a hard time to make recommendations as I would normally highly recommend getting out and doing volunteer work and helping others as that is a win-win situation, but I don’t want to advise you to do anything unsafe. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to do this, or if it will show up, but please feel free to email me at jackiegowest@aol.com (jackie go west at aol dot com) if you’d like to talk. You are NOT alone, I promise you that. Please hang in there and don’t do anything that can’t be undone. The sun WILL come up tomorrow, and tomorrow is a chance to start again, to keep seeking your purpose.

I’m not religious, but when I was going through a really tough time about 10 years ago a lady I worked with gave me the following quote written on a piece of paper that I still keep. It is Jeremiah 29: 11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” That last part about “plans to give you hope and a future,” is powerful. I was raised religious, so like the term GOD, but for me it now means galactic omnipresent divinity. I believe we are all part of a collective energy (that helps with the loneliness a little) and that we can harness that energy if we try.

Your post breaks my heart. I want to give you a big hug and tell you this: You DO have future, even if you can’t see it just yet. And guess what? Even if you COULD see it, the future doesn’t usually turn out like we envision it:) My life sure hasn’t turned out like I thought it would! I guess I’m right where I’m supposed to be though. I’ve dealt with incredible loss and heartache and seen some horrible things. But I have also had incredible experiences and seen GREAT beauty in the world and its inhabitants – even the humans:) Here is a poem by Walt Whitman that I think captures what you, me and a LOT of our species struggle with. It’s called A Noiseless Patient Spider.

Please reach out to me at the email above (or reach out to someone) if things get too much to handle on your own. You don’t have to deal with this alone, OK? I also recommend the book Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. Incredible book written about the time of the original Buddha (and maybe based loosely on him) and about finding happiness in just being I think. We have such a hard time with that in the West!!

Peace to you Stepan!