Hi Kat,

Your sharing this difficult situation sure hit home with me today! I am very close friends with J since December. We were very attracted to each other and he was all over me. I slowed things down and we have been enjoying so many things together: walks in the woods, sharing stories, exchanging an amazing amount of creativity. But every time we’d get close he’d create a smokescreen of something: the old relationship with the x girlfriend Narcissist and her entire family whom he would visit for a few days out of almost every week. He’d come back and vent out the horror stories and I’d comfort him and help him understand what he may be going through: since I had a lot to heal from myself with a Narc mother who had just recently passed away. He lives very near where I do. We have spent many days out of the time he is here together. I’ve helped him with my art skills and he has helped me. We both love the friendship and sometimes we have been intimate, but not kissing, or in the usual affectionate way.

Although this man has tons of compassion, will work hard to please others (especially those who don’t appreciate him), and has many qualities I admire, this relationship has caused me as much stress and anxiousness as the pleasure of our friendship or intimacy. It seems to me he is has the Dismissive or Fearful Attachment Style and I am still not quite over being insecure attachment, although meditation and my other good habits has made me more of a Secure type.

I just wonder if your former friend/boyfriend may have been this type of person. They run from love and closeness.

J recently asked me, “What are you going to do when I bring someone over to my apartment? I want superficial sex, and I can have several too. I don’t want a romantic relationship. I don’t believe in love.”   etc, etc! But all the while he calls me and keeps me close by. Yeah, this totally sucks!! I feel your pain!!  And we aren’t youngsters either. We are in our 60s!

I never had such a fun and satisfying friendship with a man. We have gotten so close. But this is maddening.

Any comments?