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June

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  • #398661
    June
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    next time a member posts about her struggles with having “the talk” with her boyfriend, or otherwise asserting herself in a relationship, can I direct her to your thread?

    For sure, you are welcome to do that. I’m happy if my post can help at least 1 person have a relationship that they want. Reminder to myself (or anyone like me) we have a lot more power than what we think. How you communicate your feelings and thoughts are really powerful too.

    The way to negotiate with another, be it in a private or in a business setting, is to negotiate from a position of power. I don’t mean abusive, or unfair power, of course.

    Nobody can said it better. I don’t think the result will change that much in my case if I asked him in a lower position, but the balance of the relationship will fall to him who make/end, which will determine the course later on. And of course you have to lead with the power of love and high value of yourself, otherwise it will feel like manipulative moves.

     in regard to the relationship, he is your greatest source of information, not people who never met him.

    I understand, however I feel more comfortable if  I understand my feelings(is it sad of him leaving? or is it hopeless that i can’t go with him) and what kind of options I can make, in this case, reading a lot from Nomad’s blog and other subreddit, so I know more perspective and also understanding his position better too. Maybe it’s a way to “control” my anxiety too, I feel it makes me double anxious if I didn’t understand the topic well enough, same with what exclusivity means in my head, so I have a clear answer and communication with him.

    With that information I will then get to know his views , and also I will feel less of a burden who keeps asking this and that (maybe it’s not healthy to think myself as a burden, but I also don’t want to add to an ongoing worry like you said earlier)

     

    What’s up with you Anita? I’m now in Thailand, last week they just had a Thai New Year celebration called “songkran” , and basically people will go to the streets and spray water to other people lol(some with bucket of water, some with watergun spray), it was a very fun and exciting culture they have here.

    June

    #398574
    June
    Participant

    Hi HoneyBlossom,

     

    Sorry, I didn’t see your comments there,

    I think that after such a short time together, it’s understandable that he doesn’t want to commit – that’s healthy. I think that the healthiest thing is for people to take things slow

    I think everybody has different pace in relationship for sure. Some do like it fast, and they can burn for so long, some are more slow like you said, but I think you should communicate your expectation with your other person if you do have some certain expectation/ style in the relationship — that is healthy too

    Having said that, I can’t do relationships anymore although that could change. The anxiety is part of it. Last time was so bad, I just couldn’t put myself through that.

    I hope you are in a better state of mind now, I also had some bad experience that makes me go for healing for years and it was hard to fully become yourself again. But it did come thru for me, I become much stronger, and it also makes me feel I grew a lot after I manage to conquer it.

    Best thing is to just get on with your life. It’s best if he comes back that you have more to tell him about than you were waiting for his texts or calls. You will feel better too.

    I normally will put somebody who do ghosting as a major red flag, especially when we already dating for sometimes. I don’t feel they respect you enough to give you the closure you need, so I would not bother it anymore and I will move on. But in this current case, he never ghosted me, and we did have exclusive talk and it went well so far, so I’m very glad about that 🙂

    June

    #398573
    June
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    I’m glad to hear you are well 🙂

    Lol, thank you very much, it was also thanks to you partly because you give me a good advice too and not to get into my anxious headspace too much that I can control myself better.

    In terms of ‘the talk’ it was definitely scary and really feels vulnerable, especially to the person who ask the question. I had to muster up my courage for a while. At some point I feel that it was him that had all the power and the answer, and I don’t like the feeling of it. That is also part of why I don’t want to present it as a question for him, like, “What are we?” type of situation(feels like the balls are in his court). It worked after I shifted my perspective, it was clear to see that I have to approach it as in it will be a lot of positive experience that we both can share together. Seeing that we both in it together makes the strength of the relationship a lot more powerful and I think it makes him feel I have a lot of value to give, after that it just natural to move up to a better “level” (this is if the guy is also on the same page as you are previously *like with him not actively dating other women*)

    *Also PS. if anybody else is reading this, I(and a lot of my girlfriends) do think the best timing to ask is when the relationship is at it’s peak, when you guys are really enjoying every seconds of it. I know it’s scary and it feels like you risk a lot, but don’t wait until things start to bother you and your action change around him, he can feel it. And it’s more natural to move up when you’re at the peak, rather than when things starts to become stressful. It’s really about the right timing.

     

    “but watch for the habit of your Anxious Attachment to kick in from time to time and calm it down every time it kicks in.” 

    Oh it already went up and down LOL. I almost didn’t sleep after he told me that his friends already booked the flight to EU, I had to calm my every nerves and went hours researching how Nomad life affects the relationship and what did the other person do loll.. I had more infos now of how things works, and I know I can’t do much anyway when they already made decisions. I talked with him when I met him about his plans, he said he will definitely speak to me and discuss if the time comes when he have to make a decision. Which I feel I am okay with it if both of us can come to a middle compromise plan about this.

     Remember that it worked before to present yourself in his life as his Gain, not as his Loss (the loss of his close friends being there physically in his life, in this case). Imagine how lonely he would be without you if he moves away.

    I did tell him that lol. He just joke about bringing me as well to EU(or I thought it was a joke), but I know he had a lot of fun here with me and it’s heavy for him to leave it, thats why I figures he decided to stay for a while even when his friends will leave. I also think he should start making new friends here outside his community.

    #398562
    June
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I’ve been really good thanks! A bit busy with work. How have you been?

    In terms with the guy, I have had the talk with him. We met on weekends and we had a pretty chill day just spending time together, and around the evening when it’s just the two of us, I start asking him if he still swipe on dating apps or not (he answered he is not active anymore) with this information I just go ahead and move to the heavy topics.

    I approached ‘the talk’ first by positive affirmation and mention I had a lot of fun with him during the past 2 months. I don’t know if this is good or not, but I read a lot about effective communication and how to ‘pitch’ the idea LOL, and I settled on presenting it as this is not a compromised from him to stop dating other people and just be exclusive with me, but to make this as a new step and a great opportunity for him to continue ‘the fun’ that we have been doing (I also had a very clear understanding about what exclusive dating I had in mind, so it’s very clear for me to explain to him). And it worked!! He said he had not just fun, but A LOT of fun, and he said it’s just a natural move to continue what he has been doing anyway (as in he was not dating other people at the same time).

    Not much has change after that tho, it was really just a natural thing to do when we already in the same mindset, I just need assurance from him for my own overthinking ass at night lol. He keeps being the same before and after the talk (we have been exclusive together for a month now), in terms of dating apps, I notice his profile has not been active at all after we had the talk.

     

    I know this is a bit too early, but he is a Nomad, we met in Asia (and still in Asia now), and his community (close friends) are traveling back to EU next month. He said he might not follow them and nothing has been set in stone yet at this moment. But deep down I keep thinking he would be lonely without his friends here. He’s a pretty private guy, so he had a bit of problem to meet or to approach people and making new friends. I am a bit worried about this part tho. I asked him if he would be lonely without his friends, and he was just like, “Meh..” For me, I’m not in position where I can move as much as him with my work, so this has been a bit troubling for me for a while now. I know I can’t make him stay for me but at the same time, I had a lot of fun with him near me.

     

    That’s with me, LOL it’s a lot. But how are you Anita? I hope you’re healthy and happy. Thank you for always helping me with my problems lol, I really appreciate your input 🙂

    #394755
    June
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Glad to hear other perspective! Thanks for helping me in this journey

    “More Attachment => More Anxiety” – Yes, i think i started to attach myself to him as I find him interesting and has a lot to offer. He also thinks like that of me when we talk and share our feelings.

    “how many messages did he ignore a few days ago? Did you send him a 2nd message even though he didn’t answer your 1st, and then a 3rd, etc.?” – He sometimes still do it, but usually will reply when I sent him 2nd message, and I have never send a 3rd in a row.

    “did you meet him since and when you didn’t meet, did he message you, as before the suspected withdrawal?” – I did meet him again, normally we meet about 2 times a week, mid and weekends together. When we meet it seems like it was normal. He’s very attentive, he did not touch his phones unless I’m out of the room or it’s really urgent, but when we part, he’s back to cold again.

    This week he seems really busy, he don’t even want to meet twice, and his messages was totally dry. But one night I saw he was online again in dating app, I don’t know if he opened it by mistakes (because he have not use it for a while) or purposely being active again, and I started to become really conscious if he text other girls or went out with other girls for dates.

    I’ve been thinking to ask him to be exclusive and not to see other people while we are still hanging out pretty soon. We’ve been together a lot for the past 2 months, I think he should know or at least to talk it out where is the relationship is going. (wish me bravery to ask! lol)

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)