Hi Inky,

Thank you for taking time writing to me.

Out of the entire event, the only right thing I have done was to leave my ex spouse. My child is so much happier now because she is less insecure and her daddy is now spending better quality time with her. She used to reject him and cried all the time when her dad was around. I always put her as my priority . No matter how bad I feel, I ensure she has a ” happy ” mum. It is actually tough . Not only I have to deal with the my emotion towards my colleague but I have to face the constant emotional abuse from my ex spouse . Looking after a 3 year old for 5 days a week is challenging too esp I don’t have any help while my ex spouse just gets his mother to help looking after my girl on the weekends .

What you said about my love interest is true and I have thought bout the same on and off in the last 3months. I have told myself all the time to think bout his wife and kids ( in trust me I don’t want to hurt anyone because I know how painful it will be for them)so I can’t do anymore wrong . Despite me knowing in my heart that he is a ” jerk” , I also know how his mind works since we have been friends for 7 yrs. He met and married his first love for 15 years and I know I am the only person / female that he is close to besides his wife. There is a part of me believed it was real. However , I will never really find out what was going on in his mind and it is irrelevant as I said I don’t live in that fantasy anymore . I just want to be able to move on and rid the feeling . I guess it is still so fresh and raw and it doesn’t help when we work together .

Kangli

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your reply. I honestly don’t know. It will be a lie to say I don’t want to be with him but I don’t actively seeking and fantasizing that possibility. If he ever comes back, I won’t put myself back to the same position. I am not going to settle for less anymore.

I have felt the sadness and pain of losing him. After my ex-husband found out, he still stood by me saying he would be there for me but we were just going to be friends. He said he thought about us and he wanted to be with me. However, he can’t hurt his wife and kids anymore so he has to give me up. I went with it and just stayed as friends. Time to time, he still gave me hugs, allowed me leaning on him when the situations with my ex husband was tough. There was just one time, he kissed me and he couldn’t explain to me why he did that. One day, I had enough because I can’t be friends with someone I love and he said he can’t give me what I want. So I told him I can’t be friends anymore. So we stopped communicating at work. we avoided each other. I cried every day, I couldn’t sleep and eat. I saved all of me for my daughter. She is the only thing that keeps me going. I wanted to quit work but I told myself I couldn’t let a man destroyed my established career.

One day (prob a month later), I had very bad argument with my ex-husband and I needed him so much but he wouldn’t talk to me because he wanted me to move on. I texted him saying if he still has feeling for me, pls don’t abandon me like that. Guess what, his reply was ” I no longer have anymore feeling because you are too clingy and it is getting too much for me ” . I literally shattered…the next thing I remembered was taking 3 weeks off work, just buried myself in sorrow…I lost 6 kg in that period and I was small to start with. I went about my life like a ghost. I kept my sanity to my daughter….I kept asking me what have I done wrong..

It has been three months since then. We hardly communicate. I miss him, I still do, I tried not to think, I tried to keep busy, I tried to hang out with other friends but I know he is still there in my heart…He brought out the best of me, he made me challenge myself, he taught me to be confident , he told me not to care about what other pp think and be true to myself…. he made me happy for the first time in so many years…and now they are all gone. love is not logical, love is blind….I have been forcing myself to stop loving him but I can’t. My heart keeps asking my brain why do I need to stop. I guess I probably will never stop..there will always be part of me continue to love him.

Kangli