Thank you both for your replies, it lifted my spirits a little to know that people had taken time out of their day for me. 

Mark, our marriage counsellor has always been positive about our marriage & our ability to work through our issues. She has said she sees no red flags that would indicate otherwise. Every time we leave her office, I do feel positive about our future but this is always short lived. I think that my hormones at the minute can’t be helping the situation, but I feel pretty much the same as I did about all this before I fell pregnant, except that now I’m not able to numb the pain by occasionally drinking a little too much and reverting to smoking the odd cigarette when I had given up 10 years ago. I appreciate these aren’t ideal “solutions”! 

I feel like I may have withdrawn from my friends a little, and I’ve become embarrassed at how up and down my marriage has been, and that I’m saying one thing one minute & the complete opposite the next, that I’ve just kinda given up being honest. I think if they knew how dire our situation can still feel for me, then they would want me to just step up and make some decision or take some action. Our counsellor said that if we couldn’t make it work under the same roof at the point where we were at, then myself and our daughter should stay in the family home to prevent any further disruption to her, and he should go to his parents. Part of me wants to make that call, but the other part of me thinks it will be the final nail in the coffin. But then again I’m not sure what I’m trying to save?! Again I’ve been in floods of tears tonight because he’s been cold and dismissive with me, and keeps doing the complete opposite of everything I’ve said I need. It’s just silly things, like I told him he has this knack of making me feel like the dullest person on the planet, and then again he’s made several “jokes” today about something I’ve been telling him, that I need to start repeating it when he’s in bed and needing something to help him nod off. I don’t know if this would probably come off as trivial to others, but when it’s things like this, and so much more, and it’s sustained over a long period, I feel like this relationship has really eaten away at my self esteem. I’ve said I don’t expect everything overnight, but I would like to see a small step in the right direction, and I don’t. I do need to focus more on me and what I can do for myself – you’re right. I have a midwife appointment on my own tomorrow and I guess I should speak to her about any support I could get. Thank you.

Anita, I guess I did feel lonely before I met my husband. I hadn’t had a serious relationship before him for many years, and instead I became too fixated with a series of people that ultimately were bad for me and didn’t want the same things I did. I was always just trying to find love, in totally the wrong places! My childhood and home life were a bit of a mixed bag really. My biological father and my mother split up when I was 6 months old and he tried for full custody but had no reason to be granted this, and so he decided if he couldn’t have all, then he would have nothing. I reached out to him by letter when I was 9 / 10 (I think) and we had a brief “relationship” whereby he would come to our flat for visits, but he just stopped coming one day after him & his wife bought tickets for a pantomime a little far from home, and I at short notice, decided this was too much too soon for me, without my mum. I guess he then couldn’t be doing with the hassle of me! I met him again when I was 16 and we had another unsuccessful attempt at a relationship, but ultimately I decided this man brought nothing good to my life and I cut contact at 18 and haven’t seen him since.

My mum always tried to do her best by me, but I seem to recall her struggling with anxiety and depression on and off when I was young, and she had a series of dysfunctional relationships over the years. I guess I don’t want our children to remember me in this way, or for me to perhaps pass this on. Maybe there’s always been a bit of a hole within me, and currently I’m looking to my husband to fill it, and getting nowhere fast. Thank you for your interest, and if anything, it has been somewhat therapeutic getting all this down. 

Katie