Forum Replies Created
January 26, 2015 at 1:59 pm #71919
Well, I’ve been talking a lot to my therapist this past week and how i am handling this change in my life….and the very negative ways i am dealing with it – drinking mainly. I am doing the right thing in talking to her and sharing things with close friends, but the alcohol has become a little bit of a crutch (I’m not an alcoholic by any means, but I’m abusing it). And quite frankly, i feel like my life amounts to nothing now (rationally i know this is not true, but the pain of my divorce has been so much more than i had ever anticipated)
She has suggested CODA meetings, AA meetings….i need support from my peers nd people in my shoes. Does anyone have any experience with this? How can i get to place of acceptance and self-love….i am failing here. Im struggling and my mind is in bad shape. What else can i do? She has even suggested i might consider going into a 24/7 treatment centre for extra support because my head has now developed some unhealthy thoughts/obsessions. my desperation is reaching new levels.January 19, 2015 at 7:19 pm #71650
raventrue – what you said about maybe the universe is telling me to use this as a bridge to a new life is a good point. It really resonated with me, because, you see…right now, i feel like I’m stalling in my ‘recovery’ because i feel so torn about where i should be. it’s weird being in ‘his’ country and feeling like i ‘don’t belong here’. and yes, most other people would return to their home country but my situation is a little more complicated – my home country was merely my country of birth. my army parents moved me around the globe and neither of them (now divorced) even live there. I’ve never felt that ‘connection’ to home, so in many ways the world really is my oyster (visas pending of course), but when something so earth shattering as this happens, you need and crave familiarity. i truly feel like I’m starting from scratch, not just as a newly single woman. thank you for writing what you did, i really appreciate your words and i wish you well.
christine – also, thanks, knowing I’m not alone in such a lonely process helps. youre right about the guilt factor…all these ‘should be better’, ‘should be over this’, ‘should be stronger’ crap wears me down. i used to take such pride in my strength and yet…it has been obliterated. maybe i was naive to believe anything such as a marriage could last forever. I’m not religious and our vows reflected that, but i truly did believe he was my life partner and was willing to out up with a lot of his shit (infidelity, lying0 early on in our relationship because i believed in him. we grew stronger and really got over it. yet….the struggles i fced in moving my life for him..he wasn’t willing to show me the same kinds. and I’m not sure ill ever be able to let that go.
everyone – thank you. your words are so important to me right now.January 18, 2015 at 1:53 pm #71540
thank you, thank you.
this journey has been a lonely one…when kind people like yourselves reach out to reply to a random internet stranger, you have no idea how much it lifts me or makes me feel a little less alone.
I’m trying not to isolate. i actually flew across the country to spend this long weekend with friends in the mountains thanks to my airmails but..wow, even being with them, i feel the envy creep in and a sad desperation for what i once had. It makes me feel selfish and a shitty friend, but I’m glad to know they love me and know I’m having the hardest time of my life.
thank you so much for reaching out to me. please know your words, the effort to communicate and share…means so much to someone so desperately sad and hopeless.January 18, 2015 at 10:19 am #71532
I think you may be right. I was in denial for a long, long, long time. I obsessively read our correspondence from years past, text messages between us, the love we once shared in some kind of sick and twisted ‘connection’ to him. I couldn’t even move his things out because having them there were a comfort to me. I did, only recently, put his belongings (he left and never took a thing) in boxes and ask a friend to coordinate with him picking them up. I did not have any desire to see him…which i was desperate for not long ago.
Still. The pain. I am so lost and confused and hate that this is my life. Im not sure ill ever recover and find myself, my happiness, my purpose ever again. I gave him so much and thought we were good. thought we had something special…gosh ,we certainly didn’t rush into marriage and the decision to make this global move.
I just want to go back in time and make things right…and that’s the part i fear. That i still have those thoughts. That i can at times get swept up in the idea of not existing without him..because i am so =, so unhappy. it seemingly takes years to detangle yourself emotionally, physically, sexually from a partner, yet since he left, i know he left rather easily and happily and has moved on to his ‘new’ life. I can’t ever imagine meeting anyone and ever trusting, being open to the things i did with him. I worked hard on myself and my fears/trust/self-love before taking the plunge in committing and agreeing to this move. And this is how i’ve been repaid. Maybe it was always going to happen? Maybe he was in a bad place? I will never know, but how do you accept that? Belive in yourself again, believe you’ll love again, trust that someone has something you want/love.
I’m very detached from my family. Always have been and in many ways I’ve been lucky to have fantastic friends who i consider my ‘family’. He too, was my family. As was his family. And now…silence.
We still live in the same town (though I’m desperately trying to get myself back to the country we loved prior – it was a place we both loved but its where my friends and comfort are). It looks increasingly like i need to stay here though before i can leave, to complete the divorce and attempt to ‘fix’ myself.
I am really am tired. I just want to be loved again. this has shaken me to my core and made me feel like i am worthless. And as an outsider looking in…how sad is this? I don’t always want to live because of this. It’s painful. My patens have distanced themselves as they seem to think i need to “get over it”. Like I said, we aren’t close and this kind of reaction is standard.
I am jealous of my wonderful friends so avoid them on email and text. Everyone my age is having children, enjoying family life, living fulfilling and happy lives and I’m bitter and angry and have convince myself ill be alone. I know people care and want to help, but being surrounded by it…reminds me of my loss and the great sadness i am experiencing.
And yet he walks around happy and without a care in the world. Who does this? What kind f human being is like this? did i get him wrong? Did i make the wrong decision? Did i jump in too soon? I can’t cope.January 17, 2015 at 1:19 pm #71495
gosh i really hope someone can answer you. because i sadly do not have the answers…yet.
my husband left 6 months ago. the pain is oftentimes unbearable still and the anger i hold over him for doing this to me…i have never felt more powerless and hurt. it made me question myself, my resilience, my strength, my worth as a person. he left me, stole money, abandoned me in his country with no friends or family (we had left our home overseas to move here) and then within 2 months, he was gone. he didn’t stand by me as i struggled to settle and find my feet here. i will never understand, and as much as i want to, people keep telling me i need to let go…and not try to understand.
I’ve been in therapy for 6 months and I’ve learned so much about myself, the role i played and who i want to be. BUT, it STILL hurts. I am still angry. And i get it! I really do – hanging on to the anger is damaging. Im holding myself prisoner. I’m hurting me, not him. but how th hell do you let go? If anyone has these answers, id gladly hear them. I’ve done it all…read inspiring books by strong, wonderful women who have overcome betrayal and had it much worse than i, I’ve had ‘letting go ceremonies’, I’ve faced this divorce with grace and dignity and held my head up and fought for things i know i am owed. I have no let him crush me. But i am stuck in this crazy 8 pattern where i feel so angry and helpless and then the depression comes. I then get fed up of the depression and get angry but then it continues. it’s awful. this has been the single most painful event of my life, too…i get it. I really do. I had given up my career for this man and I’m still unemployed. I can’t deny my depression and lack of support has crushed my confidence in my ability to do anything…..i have contemplated suicide because i didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. I still struggle with the suicidal ideation at times, and i wrk on this. I wish i could return to my country (complicated visa restrictions and a loooooooong story) but i can’t..so I’m stuck in this country with no one. I dont have the energy or the motivation to meet new people. to start over. I’ve convinced myself I’m unemployable.
and yet, i find myself thinking about how happy he is. with his new piece on the side he left me for. happy to have gotten rid of me…while i sacrificed..compromised EVERYTHING for this man and i am stuck.
so..yes, HOW DOES ONE GET BEYOND IT? because I’m sure as shit I’ve tried it all. I’m fucking tired quite frankly…so i get it. i get it. i really do. I can’t imagine ever finding joy, peace in life. that’s the bit that bothers me the most…knowing that in some way, i wasn’t good enough for my husband. even though he told me and convinced me i was…so he was content for me to give up everything. and then when he got home, got everything he wanted…SEE YA. I feel SO beatrayed. so, so deeply. the pain runs deep and i wish more than anything i was a strong, confident woman who could walk away, head held high and say “He didn’t deserve me and i deserve better than this!”. but I’m not. I’m weak. and quit frankly i don’t see how ill ever recover and not be bitter and twisted. EVEN THOUGH i know that outcome will just prolong the pain…
how do you let go? seriously? beyond telling myself, day, after day, after day…LET GO, KATE! He’s a small blip on your journey! i shared my life, travelled the world, compromised, loved him and supported him when he went through his darkest days and suddenly….bam. How do you ever learn to trust again? Im 34 and i can’t see a way out. i really can’t.
sorry i hijacked this, but i need answers too. i am desperate.November 11, 2014 at 6:23 pm #67706
beautifully put….thank youNovember 10, 2014 at 2:57 pm #67656
Thank you everyone for well thought-out and kind replies. You know, it really feels good knowing I’m not alone. You all made fantastic points – comparing our lives to others is so detrimental, and rationally I think a good many people know this, but we still do it.
I am fortunate – I have travelled the world and lived in 6 countries. I loved my 20s – doing all these things. Yet in my 30s i feel a sense of “must be sensible and get a real career now!” type of feeling. I know Ill always travel and see the world, that’s a great passion, but I do want a purpose, a goal to reach, something i work hard towards, knowing it’s the right thing and fulfils me. I’ve always struggled to know what I’m meant to do with my life and always envy those that seemingly have their goals and purpose in life figured out. I never knew what I wanted to do…and was ok with that. For a long time. Yet now I feel a sense of urgency because my god the clock is ticking! and the sense of envy i have toward these kids who are 20/21, thinking….damn, you have so much time! Crazy, i know. I am 33 and i know ppl in their 50s and 60s that still don’t know, yet, they have chosen something and do it, to pay the bills and pursue their true passions. I am an educated, smart young woman, but feel so stuck.
Thank you for your advice…it makes sense and it’s all very true. I just need to have faith like you said Michael, and that’s the hardest part. Believing in myself and knowing i can reach a happier, better place in life.
thank you so much