Dear Anita,

Wow!  I forgot what I wrote and where I wrote it lol.  Just to be clear the neighbor I wrote about and was involved with was never aggressive toward my children, my ex husband was.  The man I am in love with has those tendencies only when he’s been popping pills or drinking heavily, and he only gets verbally aggressive with me behind closed doors, although it’s not near what my ex husband used to do (sober) and I understand it can get there.

I currently work with a mediator and teach/have my own business with Polynesian dance.  I enjoy it and thrive in both.  I had taken a state exam for a position I had no experience in because I was invited to apply and the money was tempting.  Not only would I be financially free-er, but I would have been able to own my house and acquire more things.  Right now I live within my means and make it work.  I live in a rental where both my boys have their own room, I can provide, make it through the holidays with little suffering and have enough left over for a once a year vacation.  It’s more than most, so I’m super grateful.

Thankfully I’m not where I was two years ago.  I know I’m a strong person, I have always had a propensity for positivity and have been able to turn things around, I don’t doubt I can do that in this situation, it’s just HARD.  Being strong is HARD and I’m lonely.  I have built my life for myself – traveling the world on my own (and alone), working to maintain a good professional job, I was never too proud to seek help and I know to most people in this world, it’s admirable to be a person like me.  But it’s lonely and for all that I give, the mother that I am, the volunteer work that I put in, the children I teach through dance, the amount of self love that I have (which is questionable due to my choices in men),  I long for support and companionship.  In short…I have no idea what I want and what I’m doing at times, I try and count my blessings and complain along the way.

And I still love this mutherfucker, who called me up last night clearly on Valium so that we can get his things out of my house.  It’s a good thing he was high and it’s good that he hung up on me because if he would have said something nice, I might have taken him back.  But as it stands, I will be ignoring his calls and we will arrange for him to get things when the kids aren’t around.

When he’s sober, he’s lovely.  He has a beautiful heart but I can’t hang onto his potential anymore because the reality is hitting me in the face…and it’s killing me too!

Anyway, thanks for your reply.  I’m going to surf the net to see what I had written a while ago. 😉

KLA

Thank you for the reply Eliana.  I definitely have a lot of support and normally don’t have a problem talking.  I’m actually just very tired of talking.  I go to a therapist bi weekly and a spiritual counselor monthly.  I have several single mom friends and even lead a group.  Heck, I even have my own divorce blog! lol  I’ve loaded myself up with distractions that are now becoming habits, can’t manage them because my depression is kicking in and now I’m exhausted.  I almost feel like they took away from my healing because I wasn’t addressing them.

I stopped the anti depressents because they were making me sick to my stomach.  I wasn’t eating as a result, I had to force myself to eat and lost 10 pounds in 1 month.  And now that I’m off them I feel like they did worse for me than any good because my roller coaster is on a major low.  I know I can get through this without medication especially since I’m not suicidal or dangerous.

As for the neighbor, it’s fine but very painful because he lives next door.  I thought I did everything I could in terms of communication.  I would tell him that I’m going through tough times and that I’m probably not in the best shape for a relationship but I like him and if anything changes between us to let me know.  I got hurt and angry that he couldn’t honor that as honest as I was with him.  I’m also tired of being the strong, the one who communicates.  It’s so frustrating.  I gave up on communicating with him because it was almost like communicating with my ex – I was as honest as I could be but my ex would just get to a boiling point, hold it all in and yell at me in front of my kids; this guy just didn’t talk and did a disappearing act and now my 6 year old asks about him all of the time.  Then again, he may have done me a favor, I suppose I don’t want a man like that in my life.

Sorry I’m throwing a major pity party lol.  I’m soooo tired.  Tired of being strong, being unique, being myself.  I want to be positive, to have an endless resource of energy for people that I love, I’m just having such a hard time lifting myself to that point.