Hi Daisygrayce,

It’s been a long day at work and my brain isn’t quite where it should be but I didn’t want to read and run. I got a little muddled reading your post. I’m going to make some statements, correct me if I’m wrong:

You are 45 and caring for your mother. You had a well paid career which you gave up to care for your older relatives. When they died the situation changed and you found a job that was satisfying but wouldn’t take you to where you want to go? You applied for Grad school and after some problems were successful. Due to ill health your grad school course got cancelled two years in a row. You are approaching the third attempt and wondering whether or not to go through with it?

No offence to your grandfather and mother but I think it is worth trying for something you want even if that something is hard. I also believe life is too short to be whatever “normal” is considered to be. My own father is a lovely caring person but he will always pour cold water on any plan that isn’t 100% safe because he worries about me. I’ve learnt not to take my plans to him for feedback and just enjoy spending time with him in other ways.

My question would be – is this what you want? Will it take you in a direction you want to go? It doesn’t have to be foolproof or a forever plan but do you feel it is a step towards what you want in life or is it a step away? Only you can answer that question really. I’m not clear whether this new graduate course is in a different direction to the work you have already pursued in the past? Did you enjoy your well paid career? Your post is very thought out and contains lots of your thoughts, but not many of your feelings. What emotions do you feel when you think about this issue?

Hi Charlotte,

I’m new here but I felt a connection so I’ll try to explain my thoughts.

I used to say that guilt was the emotion that defined me. I felt guilty about everything. A counsellor told me that if you strip guilt back and look at it closer, it’s anger directed at yourself.

I, like you, have been on a journey. Five years ago I was in a bad place. The death of a friend made me realise if I didn’t do something now, my life would end like hers. I was depressed, compulsively hoarding and struggling with OCD. I reached out and got help.
The guilt in hoarding disorder is huge. It’s one of the things that stops many people getting better. The guilt is so painful they can’t face even looking at the problem. Guilt can create a vicious circle.

You are brave. You have been working on the problem and it sounds like you have turned a corner. Is that how you feel? I love your words “I can feel interest in people and things in a completely different way. I can feel myself.” You sound strong.

When I was dealing with the hoarding behaviour I would feel such intense emotions. The fear, guilt, and sorrow were so strong they would take my breath away. Someone told me about acceptance and commitment therapy. (If you want to find out a little bit about it look on youtube for a video called “passengers on a bus ACT metaphor”). The basic gist is that you accept your negative thoughts and feelings for what they are, don’t deny their existence but still live the way you want to live.

I name mine. I say “Ooh, there’s fear here” “I’m feeling anxious about this” “I feel guilty that this bottle cap can’t be recycled” and then I throw out the bottle cap anyway. I was part of an online support group and I would post on there “had a thought that I am insulting my grandmothers memory by throwing out a damaged gift she gave me but I’m throwing it out still. I still love her.”

It is hard but I got there. I can honestly say that I am in a better place now than I have ever been. I’ve dehoarded my whole house. I am truly living my life for the first time. I still have negative thoughts. I still find that voice “You’re so useless” popping up. I say “mmm, interesting” and then carry on with what I’m doing. It’s made me strong.

You sound like you are in a good place. Keep going. Accept those thoughts and feelings, but don’t let them be the boss of you. It is my opinion that these feelings were always there, I just obeyed them before. I hoarded, I allowed guilt to define me. When I stopped doing what they told me to do, they started shouting louder. I think this might be what has happened to you? You have had a breakthrough and the thoughts and emotions are rebelling. Carry on with what you are doing. You are doing great.

You said “I actually feel free to make deliberate choices” and “I feel all these new possibilities in my life and with myself”

I love these words. It sounds like you are coming towards purpose. That was the major, major breakthrough for me. I realised the reason I was being so self destructive was because I wasn’t letting myself be creative. My creativity was coming out in weird ways. I let myself be me, started writing and expressing myself and the desire to actively gather (increase the hoard) diminished so greatly.

To quote Mary Oliver ‘Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?’ Be aware, it doesn’t have to be one thing. Why not write a list of possibilities and then start moving towards some of them?

Kitsune