Shelby,

I am still trying to convince myself to work out but instead I’ve run myself a hot bath and am relaxing (slightly backwards haha) so we’ll see if the workout happens. I feel a tad bit better in regards to anxiety, my heart rate is still increased but at least I can’t notice my heart completely beating out of my chest – all hail breathing exercises!

Yes, so the intervening period. When we first faced the issue it was difficult, extremely difficult and very soon we turned from perfect couple to two people that couldn’t and didn’t want to hear or understand one another. We spent maybe a total of three/four weeks arguing, bickering, I felt like I saw a completely new side to him, as did he about me I’m sure. However despite all of the arguments we were still very much in love. Reassuring one another that we can pull through anything, that as long as we have one another we’ll be okay. I remember quite clearly crying to him saying I’m sure he’ll leave me. He laughed pulled me in close and said ‘Silly! I would never leave you! You’re stuck with me’. And I’m sure only days later he actually left. He left and didn’t come back. He wouldn’t see me, wouldn’t speak with me – it all got too much for him and he withdrew, as I do now. That to me was the point at which we split up. Then the lack of communication/light communication continued that way for about two months or so until he finally showed up again.

On that note, he is definitely in desperation mode as he has admitted this to a friend of mine. He reached out to her earlier on asking for advice as he ‘cannot get through to me’ and ‘he doesn’t want to lose me’. Very desperate indeed. He did also confirm that he booked the weekend for the 1st of February and that that’s all sorted so I don’t have to worry about it and he hopes to see me before then. I didn’t reply.

Yes I remember you mentioned the baby moon some weeks back! That sounds so lovely! Honestly what I would do to get away and just be somewhere quiet! When is your sister due? Do you know if you’re having a niece or a nephew? This is all exciting!

Dont worry about the travelling! Believe it or not you are doing much better than you think and before you know it you’ll be back out there seeing the world!

Shelby,

I feel the anxiety mainly in my heart because I can feel the physical repercussions of it, my heart going 100 miles an hour, as a result my breathing increasing and at one point I started shaking/shivering uncontrollably. My resolve was to try and do some breathing exercises to calm my heart rate down and also just to try and bring me back in the here and now. Unfortunately, the heart rate continues, it almost feels like heart palpitations but at least the shakes have stopped. I’m just trying to throw myself into work to keep distracted but can constantly feel my heart..

Michelle – Yes it is extremely difficult to withhold contact when your body irrationally tells you that you are in trouble. At one point it got so desperate like I NEED to contact otherwise I will pass out and then God knows what will happen next! I journaled instead, as if it was a text directed straight to him and left it at that. I honestly can’t pin point what brought it on. It doesn’t often happen to me but I recall having this exact same feeling, the heartrate, breathing and shakes when I first found out that my ex had been withholding the truth about his past.. Built up anger maybe? Fear? No clue. Maybe subconsciously I am thinking about the fact that he is a quite rational person and there will come a time where he will say ‘It’s okay, I get it, you want me to leave you alone, I accept that’ and he will move right on.. Perhaps this is bring up all of the anxiety/extreme feelings I felt around the time of our initial split when he went from being the best person on the planet to someone so emotionally distant, cold and adamant there is no longer an us within the space of a few days (because that is how he copes with things). He seemed to have crossed us out so easily and quickly and I recall him explaining to me after that it was a defence mechanism because my behaviour towards him prior to the split was confusing, in his words ‘one minute I wanted him and the next I didn’t. Of course I see this very differently but nonetheless, maybe I do worry that the up and down will result once more in him simply leaving. Am I ready for him to leave? Or am I indeed pushing for him to leave because it’ll be easier for me to move forward that way?

To add to the comment about finding the right man to solve happiness/security. This is a major issue for me. See, before I met my ex I was single for a long time, completely out of choice. I was all ‘I am completely and utterly happy on my own’ and ‘a relationship would only be an addition to my already amazing life’ and I genuinely loved my life. I was so happy within myself that I knew anything else would just be a bonus. And I can quite honestly say that throughout the years of being with him I have completely lost that, completely and utterly. He IS my happiness. He IS my motivation. He IS my drive. That is just what it is. And this gives me no hope for the future, because I could probably go on and on this self-loving journey once more, discovering happiness in life as a single woman like I did before and then loose it all again in my future relationship.. Maybe it is just the kind of person that I am? A hopeless romantic who genuinely believes I need a partner to make me happy. Maybe it goes down to what I want from my life? When you speak of happiness in life and goals etc many of my friends would say they want a great career, to travel, to go to festivals etc in other words experience the world and life. My goals? I am not career focused, I don’t want to travel, yes I want to enjoy life but above all I want to be a wife, a mother and a home maker. I want a simple life with my husband and my children. That is when I feel I will be truly fulfilled and happy with my life. So maybe everything I do is continuously try to work towards that?

Shelby,

Believe me, I know, my friends too convinced me to try the whole online dating thing. I think I logged on for 30 minutes and just felt sick at the thought.. what has happened to this generation? I think that’s part of what is so scary about being on your own. Am I going to have to eventually get onto dating apps to find my potential happy ever after? Scary thought. I suppose maybe it’s easier for men, it certainly worked as a great distraction for my ex it appears – ugh, the thought makes me sick!!

I can imagine your nephew is a little light at the end of your tunnel, my little sister does that for me (she’s 8) and I love her to bits.

I too wish I could just fast forward to the part where I am unconditionally happy, sat on my cosy sofa snuggled up to my husband and I think ah this is bliss! Now I see why I had to go through everything that I went through. Instead, I just want to reach out to my ex even if it is just for a moment of comfort..

Shelby,

I guess you’re right, it is out of my control it the time away and space too makes him realise that this relationship is no longer functioning. I must stop thinking too much into everything and just let things flow.

I’ve kept myself occupied by purchasing a few bits to honour the memorable date, was emotional to say the least but also a slight relief knowing that I am trying my best to make the day as comfortable for myself as possible.

There could be two sides to the contact with your ex. Either he was just being polite and agreed to meet up or he’s sitting there wandering why you haven’t reached out to arrange it.. I guess you won’t know. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you get on okay for most part, it’s only when you really think about the situation when the pain arises again. And I suppose that’s normal. You didn’t want things to end, you love him, it’s only natural to hurt.

Well done on not drinking since the breakup! I think that’s a big one for me, I do enjoy a drink and I suppose it’s a way for me to relax too when in social situations which I seem to hate at the moment. But it definitely play a major part in me caving in on Saturday. After all, who doesn’t want to be cared for and looked after after a few drinks?!

I’m glad you’ve got the evening planned and are treating yourself! I just got home myself and climbed straight into bed. I have no plans whatsoever for the rest of the day so without a doubt I’ll be wandering in my own thoughts soon enough.

Hi Dan,

It is understandable that you are upset and hurt over this. I do believe however that it has somewhat been escalated because the person who she had sex with is indeed your brother. I don’t think you would have been so upset to find out that she was sleeping with other people prior to your relationship.. as were you I’m sure, we are all adults, it is just what happens!

As mentioned above by GL, technically you do not have a right to be upset with her for her actions PRIOR to you two being exclusively together. She was single at the time and in turn able to do whatever she wanted without the worry of hurting anyone – she had no one to hurt, she could only vouch for her own self. However, I say technically because this is where things get complicated. It would be great if we could all live in the ‘technically’ frame of mind but unfortunately it just doesn’t work that way. Technically you shouldn’t be upset, but you are. Technically this shouldn’t hurt you, but it has. I feel that the fact that it was your brother she slept with has crossed some boundaries for you. I am currently dealing with something similar and I know just how difficult it is to get past the technically, because it hurts! It hurts regardless of whether it should or shouldn’t, it just does.

I think this is a deeply personal issue to you and it is only you who can answer the question, can I really move past this?

Shelby,

Theres absolutely nothing wrong with thinking that he might take some action. I think where you have reached out and made contact a few times and he hasn’t as such it’s only natural that perhaps you’ve ‘gotten the message’. So now the tables have turned and you are waiting on him to make a move. That’s okay because the idea is that by the time he does/or doesn’t you’ll be in a better place to be able to accept whatever happens without it crushing you.

Yes to my surprise I don’t feel the contact has set me back which I am grateful for. He actually reached out this evening as he has had to leave his car on my road earlier today to go to a football game so when he collected his car he wanted to see me seeing as he was already practically outside my house – I declined. Don’t get me wrong, I have thought a million times in the last week ‘Why are you doing this to yourself?!’ Because every moment away from him I feel is time wasted. But I know that I need to look at the bigger picture here. As much as yes go with what makes you happy, it just isn’t that simple anymore. All of the ups and downs have made this all more complicated and hurtful in the process. I can’t bring myself to make decisions as such, perhaps due to fear, but I am making small short-term promises to myself to keep me going in the meantime. I.e don’t contact him for a week.. then at the end of the week set a new goal according to what you feel is best for you at the time!

I think that’s what it’s all about, taking it all one step at a time..

Shelby,

Yes I would have always put his needs before mine, as I do with anyone else who I love in my life and it is proving extremely difficult today to go against that natural instinct. 6 days later and I now really badly want to reach out to him, to just forget about the distance and the pain and make this all okay. My rational mind realised that this isn’t going to change anything, the past still is what it is and it hurts the way it hurts. Maybe it feels that with this distance and time apart it hurts a little less.. or maybe those feelings just aren’t prominent right now but will surely resurface at some point today. I don’t know.

I am trying my upmost best to stay away. It is a constant battle this morning because I just want to forget about all this and run back to him to be happy.. I guess in the back of my mind I’m probably thinking that there is only so much that he can try before he gets the hint, maybe soon enough he’ll just leave me to it and accept that we are done. Will that break me?

I have managed to squeeze in almost 12 hours of sleep last night though! My body needed it!

i hope you’re enjoying your 5K and that you feel better for it! How are you feeling today?

Shelby,

I am definitely physically exhausted.

I got in from work and straight to bed, managed to get about 30 minutes worth of a nap and woke up shivering. My muscles and bones ache, my head feels heavy and I am currently wrapped in layers under my blankets watching movies. All the symptoms of coming down with a cold/flu except I do not actually feel unwell, I just feel absolutely drained.

I was meant to be meeting a friend tonight for some drinks and have had to bail out on her as I cannot physically get myself out of bed. So bath, movies and sleep for me tonight.

Just in addition, he reached out again asking if we could meet tonight. And then allowed a few hours pass without my response and text again apologising. He said he understands I asked for space to clear my mind and he is sorry for reaching out but as the days between us grow longer and more distant he is missing me more and more and wants to show me that he is fighting for us.

I don’t have energy for this right now. I will deal with that another time.

I hope you’re having a nice evening!