Shelby,

It may well be linked to your hormones but the fact that you are approaching it the way that you are is incredible. One step at a time, dealing with the moment rather than dwelling on what is to come next. That is major progress.

Yes exactly. He has already expressed his remorse etc and at the moment it has not changed anything for me. In fact, I don’t buy it. As sad as it sounds I just do not buy it right now. I understand human beings are complicated creatures who mistakes at the best of times, but conscious choices that you do not seem to learn from are not those. They are perhaps a part of the persons personality, intentions or whatever else. I am not interested in hearing the reasoning behind things right now. I am angry, hurt and feel absolutely betrayed. That isn’t shifting right now so as much as I would love nothing more than to reach out to him, there is no use in that.

I am yet again in one of my lower moments, journaling every moment I can to refrain from contact. It is beyond my understanding why I would even want to contact him right now. Silly if you ask me.

I bought an inspirational 2019 diary a few weeks back that I forgot about and came across yesterday. It is crazy because in the first week of January (and I had written this at some point in October maybe) I put my motivational quote for the week as ‘Every end is a new beginning’.. well ain’t that the truth!

This week it is ‘People change, that’s a fact of life. Sometimes we have to accept that the person we once loved no longer exists though their heart beats on and their lungs draw breath’. Just a little reminder to myself. I am also trying to remind myself that his actions do not reflect on me but completely on him. It is not my fault.

Did you manage to find a new hair dresser in the end? I remember you saying you needed to change as your previous was in your ex’s area. I will be going to get my nails done today and then my friend will be coming to stay the night with me. We will probably get a workout in and have a few drinks as we do. I have also scheduled myself in for a consultation tomorrow for non-surgical nose reshaping. Something I’ve been wanting to do for as long as I can remember but always put off. I thought why not! Maybe it’ll boost my confidence a little bit? I am trying to put as much effort into my self at the moment, exercising, eating healthy, booking in facials etc, actually going to schedule an appointment for the doctors to deal with my extreme breakouts of acne now! Gotta start somewhere.

I guess I am just trying to keep busy, distracted, and to do as much for myself as I possibly can!

Shelby,

It is good that you are able to feel and see your emotions through at this stage. Seems that you are taking your own advice on this, the only way is through it! You’re not fighting it anymore and now your mind and soul are giving you some time off from feeling the constant misery – that is amazing!

Your therapist honestly never fails to inspire me in ways. There are many things you mentioned here and I’m like that makes total sense! I am probably trying to protect myself from the pain also – by avoiding any kind of conversation with anyone or anything about the trauma, including my family.

The trauma has made me take on a shut down approach as means of coping and it is affecting all aspects of my life. It is something I have discussed with my therapist and apparently is a very real thing, it is an instinct that kicks in to protect us from excruciating pain. You hear of many stories of trauma survivors where they actually confess that their brains have completely blocked out the trauma or any details around it, again, that is your brain protecting you. Fortunately or unfortunately I remember everything very clearly, I have just gotten extremely good at blocking it out. And if a situation arises which triggers reminders, or my gut feels I am going to get hurt I go into complete shut down mode.

Perhaps the reason why I am able to go through it in therapy is because I feel safe? Because there are no trigger warnings or fear, I know this person is there to help me. I’m hoping that with continuous therapy I will learn better, more fulfilling coping mechanisms, ones which will help me deal in all situations in life rather than avoid situations so not to get burned.

I have no doubt that the date will be hard for me. It is most definitely something that I will never ever forget and will take with me to my grave. But with time I hope to learn to live with it and not let it take over my life. I am however hoping that it won’t be as bad as I am preparing for. Nevertheless, best to prepare for the absolute worst.

I just want to say again, Shelby, only a few weeks ago you were frustrated and the lack of progress in your recovery but you do not realise just how much progress you have actually made. You are able to be rational with yourself, you are able not to act on impulse, in fact, like you said ‘if I don’t feel like contacting him this week, so be it’.. You’re accepting your feelings. You’re accepting that although somewhere in your mind you have that nagging voice I WANT TO BE WITH HIM you actually don’t particularly want or need to speak to him at present moment. It isn’t a necessity. That is huge. You’re looking inwards for answers rather than trying to find them out there in the world and coming to conclusions such as ‘I want to be stronger’. I feel as though the last few weeks have been an absolute breakthrough for you and I am SO happy to hear!

Michelle,

My family members were all witness to everything that was happening over the summer so they are very aware. But at the time although the situation was deeply personal to me and me only, I felt I was also responsible for their hurt, to see me hurt. I felt almost as though a part of me died, but also parts of them and that was very painful to watch as they cried with me, held me and kept me alive by all means necessary for weeks on end. For that reason, the topic is a complete no go for me and I will not discuss with them – to prevent them any more hurt. According to them I am alive, kicking and well. Although they know me very well and are aware I am attending therapy so they probably know I am struggling in one way or another however I do believe they think i’m doing much better than I actually am. Perhaps out of respect or to not bring up any traumatic memories for me they too keep quiet and let me get on with things.. Nonetheless, it is definitely not something I want them to experience in any way as it is too painful. So much so that I will be going away for that date and a few days following the date. With him (which was the original plan) or without him I need to be away, in my own space, in my own privacy to go through this whichever way it decides to go.

I think I just need to get through this first date by all means necessary. I need to do whatever I possibly can to make it as comfortable as possible for myself because I am aware that I have been in a really dark place before. Maybe the date itself won’t be so painful in the following years.. Once I’ve done that first hurdle. No clue.

Shelby,

I am so glad to hear that you have managed to keep Martha at a distance! My Martha equivalent is literally beating the crap out of me at the moment. As I read more and more into Trauma Bonding I think I am more and more in shock. How did I get here?!

As I continue to struggle to understand myself, I am trying to do as much reading as possible to explore different ideas. Some I can most definitely relate to and are a real eye opener. So for now I will continue exploring.. 

I think trauma does really change people, it has definitely changed me and it has changed him for the worse. I am lost, he is too. He has admitted that several times, that he underestimated just how much things have affected him. Often, not even in the worst of situations he struggled to find a reason for his certain behaviours/reactions. He admitted that he feels lost, that he cant quite grasp his way of thinking or doing right now and even went as far as saying that he would like to maybe attend therapy too. I have this major longing and crazy belief that after the beautiful years we had together, we owe it to one another to heal together.. that that is what should’ve happened in the first place, we should’ve never separated and instead go through all of this together and help one another get through it. I know that at this point in time I cannot afford to loose the only source of comfort (him) I have in my dark times. Although they do not come as often as they used to, they do still come and they come in heavy each time. Maybe he feels the same? Maybe none of this is love anymore. Maybe we have both outgrown the idea of us ever really reconciling the romantic relationship but we just have this unhealthy bond with one another because of the trauma and all the effects of this on our lives in the here and now.

It almost feels like we are both in a world where it is just me and him. And only we know the trauma, and only we feel the effects of it and only we can help one another and no other person will quite understand it? I can’t kick the image of who he used to be for many years. How I knew him. I feel guilty for walking away when he may indeed be needing me the most right now because of the trauma, and I get that, because I need him too and I would be devastated if he walked away. How can I fail someone who needs me more than ever? Isn’t that what love, relationships, friendships are supposed to be about? The reality is life is shitty, but sometimes you find people who just ride it out with you regardless of how bad it gets, and eventually you are thankful for those people. How can I decide to not be that person for him?

But the on the other hand why do I feel personally responsible for his well being when he did exactly that, leave me when I needed him the most? I understand he was dealing with things in his own way at the time but is this just because we are different people and I just would’ve never done that to him? Or is it because I truly love him and he just doesn’t truly love me enough to have stayed?

Can you tell I’m in absolute overdrive?! I realise I sound like a crazy lady right now.

I did indeed manage to get myself into work today but I must admit I am doing the absolute bare minimum. I can’t quite focus on work at the moment with everything going on. I did however manage to have a few hours undisturbed sleep last night so that is a start. I haven’t been eating well the last week or so. In fact, I had to remind myself to eat something yesterday at 8pm because I realised I hadn’t eaten at all! I have been suffering with terrible acne for the past two weeks or so also (I have always had perfectly clear skin), my body is really starting to show the signs of distress now.

Throughout my communication with my friend yesterday I said to her, ‘I do not recall my split from my ex (partner I had before this) ever ever everrrrrrrrrr being even remotely close to this’. Granted, I was young and thought I was in love, it was love to me at the time, but it was never my future so maybe that was the reason why I didn’t suffer when letting go. Or maybe it is really the truma and the idea of isolation, that only me and him have this unspeakable bond because we are the only ones who truly understand because experienced this together that is making this so complex.

Shelby,

I guess you’re right. I do need some time out and I am entitled to feeling as shitty as I do.

I was discussing the whole situation with a friend of mine this morning, the same friend who has been with me through thick and thin throughout the whole thing. She shed some light on the fact that the circumstances around this aren’t exactly not in his favour, what he’s messed up on is the fact that we were already in a very fragile position and (whether that was his reason to whithols truth or not) he did it anyway and as a result abused the trust that was always so unconditional between us in a major way.

That was a major red flag for me. I still keep replaying all of the truths in my head and I actually had to say aloud at one point today STOP DOING THIS!!! YOU ARE TORTURING YKUESELF, YOU DONT NEED TO TORTURE YOURSELF LIKE THIS!!

I’ve managed to keep distracted for the day. The morning was probably the worst part of it all as I really felt the pain then more than any other point of the day, to my surprise I even managed to cry a little. My only disappointment is that as the day went on and the anger wasn’t so fresh anymore my pure stupidity, clearly, decided to do the thing I do best, see and understand two sides to the story, analyse, over-think and as a result the feelings of ‘Am I sure this is the right decision for me?’ creeped right back in.

Again, my friend shed some light on this from a different perspective. Bless her heart considering she really does not approve of him at all at this stage she is trying to be as understanding as she possibly can be. She explained that perhaps the reason why I cannot physically let go at this present moment in time is because maybe his role in my life is not yet finished. For one, going back to the trauma I experienced in June, and with this being only the beginning of my journey to healing from that, I am still somewhat reliant on him to pick me up in the dark moments. And if not pick me up then just be there as he is literally the only person who can get through to me there and then. I realise this sounds so unhealthy but that is literally my truth. It has been like that right from the start. She believes that I have indeed outgrown the relationship itself (hence the lack of energy to put any real work) but I can’t quite afford to let it go just yet so that as I move through my healing I’ll come to my own conclusions and ease away from him – I.e not be so afraid of essentially ending my life if my ‘safeplace’ (him) is not around. I’ll learn ways to be self-sufficient that way on my own.

Also, there is a major major major trigger date fast approaching for me around the trauma now in the next 3 weeks. I have no real idea how I am going to deal with this. No clue whatsoever. I’ve never had to deal with this before so it is a complete unknown. And knowing just how bad/how low I got over the summer I am simply afraid of that happening again because it was terrifying. So again, at all costs I am trying create a ‘safe space’ for myself to try and get through this time – and at this point in time he is a major part of that. She believes I will be in a much different place this time next year and I will be able to deal with this all by myself and far away from him.

I didn’t take any of that into consideration. I tend to separate my trauma from my relationship completely forgetting that they are so closely entertained, in fact they branch off of one another so it sounds like a reasonable explanation for this whole ordeal. Other than that it must be pure stupidity. Because I feel stupid.

Michelle,

Trust me I do not feel brave right now. It wasn’t even a choice I wanted to make, it was one I had to make as his stories no longer added up and everything was becoming a real mess. When I realised that for whatever reason he may have had, he got caught up in all the lies and holding onto him meant that I will forever question everything. I will forever seek extra reassurance to feel secure, my heart and soul will never be calm.

I feel I am still in a state of shock. I actually woke up crying from my short sleep because I dreamt of everything and I said to myself aloud, ‘You do not need to do this to yourself. Stop re-living the past. You can’t change it. Stop torturing yourseld’ I can’t tell you if it worked or not but I’ll try anything at this stage.

I don’t think reality has really hit me yet. I feel abdeep ingrained sadness. Like my chest is closing in on me and I can’t realky breathe properly.

Shelby,

I do think there is a mutual understanding for the issues that need to be discussed, dealt with and moved forward from. The problem lies with the fact that he chose not to take the opportunity to come clean when we had that initial conversation right at the start, he chose to withhold information that he knew would make him look the bad guy there and then, but he also knew that they would eventually bite him. I’m upset that he’s allowed that to happen as I do think I’m quite an understanding person and I gave him the opportunity to start a fresh, clean slate. So now it is just disheartening as it feels as though whatever contentment and happiness we may have had in the last month or so was all built on a lie – but that could just be my perception of things.

In regards to the embarrassment thing, I think where I truly believe I’ve been taken for granted multiple times now i suppose maybe my ego is getting in the way now? Or is it self-worth? I don’t know. It just feels awfully difficult to start over this time round after all the hiccups we’ve already had. It’s kinda like when does it end????!!! How many more times are we gonna start again?!! When will I finally bloody learn?!