Hi all,

Welcome back Michelle! I was hoping you’d bring the weather back with you! It’s gotten so cold again..

Thank you both for your kind words regarding the help I offered to the bereaved family.. I suppose it was the least I could’ve done in that situation!

I’m glad that you agree I am not being out of order about the lack of support from mr asshole – that’ll be his new name from now on. I think the close experience with death has opened up my eyes in some sense. I think I needed him around in that time more than I originally anticipated, and the lack of support has left me really bitter and questioning how I could ever possibly rely on him in times of crisis, because the reality is that I can’t. And is there really any use to walk through life hand in hand with someone who is never really going to help you in times of hardship? The reality is, life is shitty, brutal and unfair most of the time so it is so important to have someone you can really count on.

I think the last few months back in contact with him have been a very strange experience for me. It was like getting to know a new and completely different person. Not the same person I was with for so many years. There have been so many situations which I would’ve absolutely vouched that he would’ve never done that, and he has. And I think it’s all added up to be a bit of a shock that he’s turned out to be everything that I thought he was not. Quite frankly, not someone that I even like at this point… So doubts are very much setting in right now and I’m finding myself questioning why it has been such a struggle to let go of him up until this point. How much more really has to happen for me to be like okay enough is enough now?

Shelby – there will be a funeral but it is taking place abroad as the family have chosen to transport the body to the country of origin (so the poor lady can be buried with her family) so I don’t think I’m going to be able to go to that.

I took your advice and tried the communication route last night, I think at some point his defence mechanism kicked in and it was very clear the conversation couldn’t go any further. I left him today with the note of ‘I don’t think this is working right now. I think you have a lot to think about, as do I’ so that’s that.

I know what you mean about feeling less than when everyone around you is so against the idea of you two reconciling.. I know because everyone around me seems to think the same of me & my ex. Naturally, the people who love and care for you don’t want you to be hurt and let’s be honest, this guy doesn’t have a great track record of not hurting you right? However, ultimately it is YOUR decision, YOUR life and those who want to remain a part of it will have to accept your choices. Hopefully, if your relationship with him continues, with time it’ll become easier!

Hi all,

I can’t sleep (and I don’t think I will tonight) so thought I’d give you all a brief update.

So today I witnessed someone die.

I am so shaken, for a few hours it didn’t quite register with me, I think maybe the adrenaline? My neighbour (family friend) who is currently living in the flat above us, her mum has been suffering with end stage pancreatic cancer for the past few months. Just two weeks ago she was told that there was nothing more than can be done for her and subsequently released to come home and be looked after by nurses at home just last week Friday. Her daughter, who is very close with my mum, is a single mother of two, she has been struggling to say the least with trying to maintain a job so she can keep a roof over her children’s head and food in their mouths and looking after her sick mother. I worked from home today so she asked if I could see to her mum every half hour or so to see if she needed anything, food, drink, to use the toilet or anything. So I did, just a few hours ago her mum exchanged what would be her last ever words with me. She was so drained, unable to eat or drink as she felt sick, but she thanked me, she thanked me for coming to see to her and check that she is okay. She looked so poorly, not like how I remember her at all. About 5:45pm this evening I got a call from my mum to run upstairs (to my family friends property) as they knew something was wrong with the lady. I was on and off on the phone to the hospital, all different departments, being placed on hold until I was finally told I need to call the ambulance but it was too late.. It was too late and she took her last breath in front of us. I cannot get the image out of my head. I just cant believe it was only a few hours ago I spoke with her.

I don’t know how to gather myself right now. Her family and children are in pieces, as are myself and my mum who witnessed the whole thing.

Not to mention my wonderful ex partner of mine decided to ignore everything that’s gone on today and go off to a lovely concert with his friends. I was so upset at this point that I had text him saying that I don’t even know why I am disappointed, when I have had a really really tough day and witnessed something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, I just don’t know why I expected for him to say ‘Hun, I know I had this planned but do you need me right now? It’s been a lot to take in today’. Nope, instead he went to his concert, ignored my text the whole night and then decided to reach out to me once it was done to start an argument with me. Honestly at this point I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I don’t know if my emotions are all over the place right now or whether he is indeed being out of order.

I feel this experience has opened my eyes to a lot of things. Particularly that life is so short and can be taken from us at any moment. So tell those that you love just how much you love them. Spend time with those who truly matter to you. Pay close attention to your friends and family, give them the gift of your time, attention and love. Cherish every moment with all of your loved ones.

P.S I promise to catch up on all of your recent posts and reply properly, as soon as I have a little more energy.

Hi all,

Apologies for the silence again! I’m up and down with my so called spirals again.

I think the worst part of it all is that I feel I have finally accepted that I can’t get better anymore. I came to the realisation a few days ago after my spiral. The realisation that no matter what I try to do to better my life or my mental well being I will always end up back in that same dark place.

It is a shame, it isn’t how I pictured my life going at all BUT I have accepted it now. I’m happy to go. I feel I am just buying myself some time but ultimately I know exactly where this ends. And maybe that’s okay.

Shelby – shocker for real about your ex! How are you feeling about that? I suppose in a sense it gives you some distance to allow perspective on this new situation you’ve found yourself in!

Hi Michelle,

Hehe the image of your large other half sitting in a chair made for primary school children did make me giggle! Perhaps there’s just a lot of little people in Vietnam? Please continue enjoying the warm weather and glowy skin. I can confirm the UK is very cold, windy and rainy as per and I am starting to resemble an uncooked chicken in skin tone at the moment! Bring some sun back with you please!

I can’t quite figure out whether the moving out situation goes against his family or against him in the end.. I know that they have a particular life plan for him but he seems to be under the impression that their plan was his anyway all along.. I don’t know if that’s just his genuine wants in life or whether his parents wants for him have been instilled in him for so long that he made them his own?! To my knowledge he has let it be known that he will be moving in June. I of course was not present for the conversation with his parents and therefore am a bit sceptical hehe, as I am with anything regarding any kind of progress with him but like you say, one step at a time, time will tell all. It is not wise though to put my life on hold until that time comes. I’ve told him i’d like to view properties in the next few weeks and put down a deposit if I come across something i’m happy with – he seemed happy with this so who knows. In any case, one of my friends has a friend with a property in which he no longer lives so she has offered that as a back up option for me to fall back on should the move not work out in the end so I am grateful that I have that, even if it is a temporary measure until I get myself on my own two feet!

Michelle – I most definitely will enjoy the book!

The whole honesty part of your recent post really hit home for me. In all honesty, he is a drain on me, my energy, my healing, my moving forward etc. He is and I am becoming more and more aware of that… But I do think that the trauma we experienced has somehow tangled us both into this not ideal and yet extremely difficult situation of we need to be around to help because we are the only two individuals on the planet who really understand, that + the love that we shared and I suppose still share calls for an extremely difficult situation emotionally – I guess I am not strong enough to walk away?

I do also think that although things aren’t perfect with him, there are good times and that in this whole post trauma identity building again, and therapy and my living situation and everything else, he is the only thing that has remained from my old life and I find that I am grateful for that security blanket.. Honestly, I think you’re right, he is a drain and I probably know it isn’t going to last, but PTSD is so bloody complex I cannot understand why/how/what for I do things half of the time and at the moment having him just being around is some kind of comfort for me…

I’ve taken your advice and told him this morning that I found a property with a May move in and would he like to go view it? I said it’s only a few weeks off of June and it’s a nice place (I haven’t found anything yet haha so now I must look) and he said yes he wants to go view it… so let’s see… I’m gonna push quite a lot for the viewings now in the next few weeks and see if he comes up with any excuses as to not putting down deposits etc.. I suppose words and time won’t do it here, you’re right, I need to put him in situations where his actions can show BEFORE June, before I am homeless..

That way I will also have time to sort myself out SHOULD he bail.

Like you say, head out the sand and time to deal with this one! Thank you for the pep talk!

Shelby – I hope all is well? How is your weekend going?

Evening all,

Welcome to the forum Trio! Sorry to hear about your pain, don’t we all know it so well! I look forward to hearing some more from you!

I’m no better off at the moment. Feeling more and more anxious about my living situation as it is fast approaching. My ex keeps repeating that he is moving with me in June but I just KNOW that is not happening. Last night I had a very upfront and serious conversation with him about all the pain he has already caused and the trauma that he contributed to and I am having a hard time healing from and that him continuously repeating this ‘plan’ to move in June and then not pull through with it would actually make him a sick person. I have told him quite openly that as it stands he has already destroyed me and my life as I knew it, if he adds this one additional thing into the equation then God I really do hope karma catches up with him one day, because at that point I will be homeless.

I am still trying to continue my search by myself, although if I’m honest that hasn’t taken me very far. I am absolutely terrified. I don’t really know where to start. I just wish I could pause time a little..

I hope all of you are well!

Shelby, how are you getting on this week?

Michelle, I hope you are enjoying your time away and I hope to hear some more from you about your trip!

Griff – Sounds fairly similar to my situation with my ex. He was 20 and I was 21 when we had gotten together so the age difference is the same and I can quite openly say that there is quite a distinct difference in maturity levels now at this point four years later.. Of course it may or may not be what I suggested or it may not, I am simply trying to make sense of things using my own experiences as they are similar. By the sounds of things you will never truly know as she did not offer you an explanation, which I think probably wasn’t fair having spent so many years together. I know too well what it’s like to find yourself questioning everything with no real answers, its horrible so I’m sorry you’re having to go through that!

Michelle – Exactly that! I have to deal with the here and now, the rest will come in time! And that is exactly what I plan to do, so I will keep looking for my flat/flat share and just have to dive into it no matter how terrifying! One thing at a time!

Good morning ladies,

Shelby – it most certainly has been one hell of a week for you. I am so sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with your, your friends and family who have been affected. I’m glad to hear that you are able to get some space away from your ex but not in the way you did before, you do still feel you have the option to reach out. Sometimes that’s for the best.

Have you thought properly about scheduling any trips away?

Michelle – how ironic, a LARGE Buddha! It sounds lovely though. Lovely and secluded and full of colours and just everything I could do with right now! Your little updates make my day!

Also, thank you for sharing how you dealt with your living situation. You have really been through some sh** yourself haven’t you?! It’s so difficult to imagine as you are now doing so well and yet so encouraging as you have come out of it the other and AND you are now doing so well!

That is exactly the situation I am trying to prevent. Ending up homeless in June/July with no choice but to rely for a while on my ex and move into his family home which I do not want to do, that is a given fact. So I’ll continue to pursue my search.

I did think about a flat share however I think with my current head space I’m not sure if that would be good for me in the long run. It’s hard because I don’t quite know what is good for me anymore or what it is I want, I just know I don’t want to be here, living in autopilot, lost and confused. Like you said, one step at a time.

I have looked into my finances and I can afford a place of my own however I do realise that I will be living from pay check to pay check that way – but I suppose if that’s the way it’s got to be for a while then that’s just it.

I wish I could stop time for a little while so i could figure things out before my family move but unfortunately that’s not an option.

I saw a lovely quote yesterday; ‘At some point you have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening’