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March 6, 2019 at 1:31 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #283245
KkasxoParticipantMichelle,
Your little adventure sounds incredible! Honestly I absolutely love exploring new cultures and even more so recently I’ve really started to enjoy time outdoors and in nature so I know I would really love a trip like this myself! I’m glad you keep us updated so I can at least imagine it in my mind!
Yes, absolutely to the ‘I’ll believe it when I see it’ 100%. My ex has a thing for saying all the right things, something I learnt or at least acknowledged only after our break up. The sad part is that he actually doesn’t mean harm and he actually manages to even convince his own self that that is what he wants.. until push comes to shove of course and then panic sets in! So yes, the moving out comments are discarded at this point.. I’ll believe it when or rather IF we are sitting on OUR sofa in OUR flat. But I’m not betting on it and continuing my search on my own.
Regarding work, yes it appears the next contract will be up in St Albans which is only a short drive from London anyway but nonetheless will be lovely to get out of the everyday rat race here. I’m thinking of looking for a property around there to be closer to work. Don’t get me wrong it’s terrifying, it really is. At this point I am so panicky knowing that my family are due to leave the country in the next 3/4 months and I will be left here on my own. I knew this day was coming from a while ago but obviously my life looked different at the time, I had a settled and loving partner who I thought would hold my hand through this. Now I am a general mess with a complete lack of sense of self, barely managing to look after myself + with the added financial stress of having to do this on my own + the idea of moving up there to not only be away from family but also from friends – it’s hard. One minute I want to get away and think it’s a great idea and the next I’m like OMG IM SO ALONE IN ALL THIS AND I AM TERRIFIED!
March 5, 2019 at 8:24 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #283081KkasxoParticipantShelby,
No darling, honestly you girls do more than enough by choosing to communicate with me as I realise I am not great company or can’t provide much constructive input right now! It means the world to me that I still have the option to continue communicating with you all – you all feel like a little online family to me!
What is the deal now with your ex? How was the situation left/how is it going since the fishing day? Are you guys communicating etc?
March 5, 2019 at 5:12 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #283055KkasxoParticipantShelby,
If I’m honest no, I don’t feel like doing anything at all, ever. I do what I have to do i.e go to work. Other than that, no. My life is an absolute mess and I just don’t know how to get myself out anymore.
March 5, 2019 at 2:06 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #283041KkasxoParticipantMorning all,
To some extent I agree with Michelle, although I don’t doubt that you love your ex Shelby. From an outsiders point of view I can completely understand what Michelle is saying about the ‘need’ for him in your life to create a sense of safety, that comfort zone fuelling your hope for a future and that things will change etc. I get that. Although trying to apply that theory to my own self is where it gets difficult, I think the term ‘easier said than done’ applies here. It is very easy to be able to give you or anyone amazing and constructive advice, but doing the same myself? Well that’s difficult – so I’m right there with you.
IF/SHOULD you proceed with getting back with your ex I don’t doubt that people will be upset or advise you against it or even angry with you, I’ve actually recently to experienced that myself although not directly as my circumstances are way above and beyond more than just my ex, he is only a tiny part of this mess at this point. BUT yes nonetheless it is not nice to hear, even if I know there is a lot of truth to what they’re saying.
Just to maybe give you girls a clearer view of my life right now, I am floating, floating in all aspects of my life including my ex. ‘Passing time’ in autopilot mode so to speak. So he is kinda here, but kinda also not here if that makes any sense at all. He IS trying his best to understand, assist me in my healing and even make future-ish plans such as moving out in June – WOAH! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? But…. words are easy right? Although the moving thing has come into conversation some two weeks ago he is still yet to break the news to his family… Haha and the old patterns return! I guess what I’m trying to say Shelby is that from experience so far I can assure you, nothing changes. Nonetheless, if that is what makes you happy then you do what is completely and absolutely right for you! I’ll be standing right behind you all the way 🙂
March 1, 2019 at 7:16 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #282353KkasxoParticipantHi Michelle,
Ah that sounds so lovely! What I would do to be out and exploring the world far away from here right now! I bet it is an amazing experience! Please keep us updated, I love reading about it.
Yes the trauma weekend was tough but I suppose in a way it was the first and last major hurdle on this journey so there is a small sense of relief there.. perhaps next time it won’t be so bad?
My emotional and mental state have been at an all time low since, not that it’s been any better for a long time but this period has been particularly tough taking a complete toll on my physical health also. I’m struggling with sleep and basic things like even finding the will to bathe myself etc but I’m trying to keep on keeping on to the best of my ability. My therapist has been great throughout, gentle but at the same time helping me explore bits and pieces of this tough period so I am grateful for that. I have also splurted my struggle out to my family now (finally) and they are being a little more gentle with me now giving me the space that I so badly need so again, grateful for that!
I’m living in what I like to call autopilot mode at the moment but i suppose in a sense it is allowing me the calmness, time and peace to come together with my thoughts and really begin trying to understand myself again so I guess I’m just trying to go with it right now.
March 1, 2019 at 4:22 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #282325KkasxoParticipantHi Shelby,
I hope you’re well? How did the fishing trip go?
February 27, 2019 at 12:31 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #282051KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Sending you big hugs! I completely understand the confusion and exhaustion around all this! I know it all too well!
How did the plan with finishing come about? Was it his idea? Either way, I hope you enjoy your day together and just go with it for now, tell yourself that right now this is what it is. Try to focus on the here and now, not on what tomorrow may bring! X
February 24, 2019 at 1:48 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #281595KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Honestly darling, compare as much as you need because believe me when I say I 100% relate to you on so many levels. And you are not dragging me down at all!
I know exactly what you mean by receiving all of the knowledgable advice from people who have come out of similar situations out the other end, I get it, I appreciate it, I hear it, I even would go as far to say as I TRY it all out but it just does not seem to apply to me, to my feelings, my reality, my life… Nothing shifts. No matter what I try. I can wallow in pity for weeks and it won’t shift. And I can go out everyday, be outdoors, go to the gym, surround myself with people and things I love and it STILL does not shift. Am I just not capable?
And that sentence ‘good things are taken from me and I’m just supposed to struggle on’.. oh my, how much that hit home. Honestly you have no idea how much. Unfortunately it is my sad reality right now too, I don’t believe anything good will come my way. In all honesty, I truly do believe that my life prior to trauma, before my ex and then with my ex was the best of the best, and if that couldn’t last then really what hope in life do I have?!
When our communication started I think I was about about 3 months or so into this whole ordeal, we’ll look at me 8/9 months later and still in the same rabbit hole if not deeper..
I’m so sorry that I can’t offer you amazing advice like the other members can right now. All I can say is that I truly understand and relate and will be here to listen to the same story over and over and over again if need be because I too am living and ‘replaying’ each day.
On a brighter note, it is exciting news that your little niece/nephew will be here any day! Get some well deserved rest because you’ll be very busy in the oncoming days with auntie duties!
KkasxoParticipantDear Anita,
As always, thank you so much for your input. I will try to work on all four points to come up with a plan for the near by future I.e between now and when my family are due to leave the country. I will keep you updated on how I get on with this exercise.
KkasxoParticipantDear Anita,
It sure feels like I have lost myself in the process of it all. Often I can’t recgnise myself in my actions, the things I say, in my general everyday behaviour, my decisions and it is a tough place to be because I can’t explain any of it.. though that could just be my PTSD.
In regards to guidance, I have one friend who has been with me literally from the start of this whole turmoil and I trust her impeccably with my life. She is extremely understanding and knowledgable and the only person who I open up conversation with regarding any of this as her approach is straight to the point but at the same time extremely sensitive, which works for me. However, I feel that at the moment, or since the last few months I have not moved forward, I feel I have not gotten better and I cannot or do not want to keep dragging her into the same conversations as I realise she too has her own life to deal with or perhaps that my story has just gotten boring or she’s getting tired of it. With those thoughts, it is difficult trying to look for guidance.
I am attending therapy once a week, it is a therapy particularly aimed at the kind of trauma I am dealing with and it is going well, but do I feel like I am making as much progress as I should? perhaps not. What else would you suggest in terms of helping myself?
February 24, 2019 at 12:50 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #281495KkasxoParticipantMichelle,
I love the example which you gave of me. It does sound really simple when you put it that way and you’re absolutely right, those are my actual goals and desires for life. I think you might’ve opened my eyes a little bit and gave me a slightly clearer vision on how to proceed to eventually achieve what I want.
Shelby, I am glad your afternoon/evening went okay. It could’ve gone worse, you’re right. Although I do think that both you and your ex are somehow sitting in the unknown for the past few months not really sure of moving on, and that I think goes for both of you. What Michelle mentioned about the difference between moving on and passing time in the here and now only I think applies. It doesn’t sound to me like he is trying to actively move on either… it just sounds like he’s trying to figure things out (in the here and now only) and trying his best to be a decent guy by not dragging you with him into this confusing and unclear situation.
February 23, 2019 at 5:27 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #281469KkasxoParticipantShelby,
I’m crossing my fingers for you and I hope today goes as well as it possibly could.
I look forward to hearing from you x
February 20, 2019 at 1:04 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #281057KkasxoParticipantShelby,
No worries at all, I myself have been up and down and taking longer than usual to respond due to lack of energy so completely no need to apologise! I check back here everyday, even if I don’t have the energy to respond! Sometimes it’s good to take some time out.
The first part of your response is so accurate, you have hit the nail on the head, I feel the same, exactly the same although less to do with heartbreaks as I just don’t think it has anything to do with that anymore (maybe it never did, who knows?) I think mine is more to do with just the confusion of life in general at the moment. I too am not making any conclusions, completely unable to figure myself out, I have no idea who I am and as a result I just continue ‘being’ getting on with my day sort of thing. I can relate and believe me, I know it is very very exhausting and I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. As I keep saying, something needs to shift…
I thought about your question and I honestly couldn’t tell you. I’m like 100 ideas per second nowadays most of which I’m too terrified to do anything with if I’m honest. I want to move because I feel I need that privacy and personal space to aid me in my healing journey and at the same time I don’t want to take away from myself the comfort of being able to be on my own (in my room) but not completely on my own as there are other people in the house. I think a part of me is also scared that once I do move I will completely shut myself off to the world and away from everyone because I have done that already to a major extent and don’t get me wrong although I feel it’s needed right now maybe it’s not the best thing for me in the long run? I honestly do not know, I have no answers Shelby. It’s almost like I am waiting for some big epiphany like AHA!!! THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE ANSWER!!!
Let me ask you the same question, what do YOU think is the best way to deal with your situation?
KkasxoParticipantDear Anita,
Oh how you manage to hit the nail on the head every time! Yes! I do need a plan! I think a plan is soooooo important right now. Amongst all of the chaos in my life, my mind, my heart I feel a plan would be so beneficial.
The issue I am finding at the moment is in the process of this whole journey since the summer I have completely lost myself. Everything I thought I was, my beliefs, core values all went down the drain and fundamentally I have no clue who I am anymore. With that, I am so up and down with my thought process and emotions right now and I feel not stable/rational enough to make any life decisions. One minute I think something is good for me literally the next I panic and run in the other direction. I am living in constant fear, uncertainty and a complete lack of stability, probably adding to my lack of feeling safe. Every decision terrifies me right now. How do I shift this? How do I move forward?
KkasxoParticipantDear Anita,
In all honesty I didn’t ever really think much about being apart.. even into my adult years I didn’t ever think of the situation and therefore didn’t see it warrant a conversation so no we haven’t discussed this ever. Not in depth anyway, I mean we’ve had brief and very general conversations as a family reminiscing about how times were and where we are at now etc but as I previously mentioned, I only ever recall happy memories from my childhood. It is only now during my communication with you that I am beginning to unravel and consider what my true feelings at the time might’ve been.
Likewise with my biological father, many years have passed since we last had any contact and with that my thoughts of him are very very very far and between.. but again, my communication with you is brining insight into this also.
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