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Kumo

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  • in reply to: Having a Problem With a Friend and I Don't Know What to Do #40185
    Kumo
    Participant

    Hi there Buddhist Wife.

    To be honest I agree with you. I think I am being unreasonable to a certain extent. And I guess that’s my flaw. But I know that it’s something I intend to work on and I think it’s something she should know if we are going to continue working together (or just in general). I am usually very afraid of conflict and I when I get scared of how someone will react to my honesty, I can’t really be honest with them or myself and then resentment and frustration sets in. I understand what you are saying and I thought the same things plenty of times, but what good is my relationship with her if I can’t be honest with her? It feels like I’m walking on eggshells because I’m scared that every time I do or say something I’ll get a negative reaction. But then I always feel relieved afterward because she wasn’t upset or annoyed. That’s not a healthy relationship and I don’t think that’s fair to me or her. She is a very nice and understanding person and I admit that many times I don’t know how to respond to that kindness. But I’m not a mean person myself and I can’t risk holding myself back any longer because I might push her away from me. I want to trust that she’ll respond in an understanding and hopefully positive way, and if can’t trust people, then I don’t see myself going any further in my life.

    in reply to: If you're going through hell, keep going! :) #36023
    Kumo
    Participant

    Is it really true that venting to your friends and receiving validation, compassion, and empathy from them is better than receive advice on how to fix it? I’ve strongly thought that the advice is more practical and would help you find progress, rather than just feel better from what is most likely just temporary support. Perhaps I’ve had it backwards? Or perhaps it only becomes a problem when you constantly rely on that validation and support without believing in yourself and finding that inner strength?

    Kumo
    Participant

    Thank you very much for your response. I think I want to try that as well, I just hope my family doesn’t think I’m crazy lol. Have you actually gone to a professional? From your response it seems that way. If so, would you suggest I talk to any particular kind of therapist? Because I’m guessing they’re not all the same.

    in reply to: I Don't Have a Love Life, so Why is This Happening? #35937
    Kumo
    Participant

    Hi Peter and thanks for responding. To be honest, the idea that I’ve developed such attachment is actually something I very much agree with. I think I already found the root of where my attachment comes from (or somewhere close), and actually wrote about that exact thing in the following post:

    http://tinybuddha.com/topic/im-freaking-out-and-i-feel-stuckdont-know-what-to-do-next/

    While I don’t necessarily feel like Im walking on eggshells with this particular person, she does make me feel happy most of the time. I think she is one of the few friends in my life who I really trust, and I feel like before I met her I actually didn’t know what “real friendship” was, in a sense. I never really had a consistent group of friends until I got to high school, and when I finally made some I was so afraid that it wouldn’t last so I became a people pleaser. I held myself back a lot and grew to dislike conflict entirely. I at least knew deep down that I wasn’t handling this in a healthy way, but I guess I felt like this was as good as it would ever get for me. Then as I got know her, I realized that there I could have better. Meaning, I could fully express myself and there would be people who would accept me for that. I learned this after meeting other people too, but she was the first person to show me that. I know attachment hurts, but I don’t know how to let go. It was bad enough that I started relying on her so much to keep me from feeling lonely, but now none of my friends and family are close enough to me for me to feel any better. For as long as can remember, I’ve been alone in my thoughts, feelings, and myself. I didn’t fully express myself to anyone, not even family. It’s so hard to express myself now and I hardly know who I am, but in my relationship with her, along with some others (but very few), I’ve gotten as close as I could and it felt like I was leaving the dark place I was stuck in. I know I should learn to be ok with myself and not rely on others to make me happy, but what am I supposed to do when everyone I feel close to is not near me right now? And even if I didn’t feel as attached to her or anyone else, based on how I grew up without many friends, my idea of a friend (or someone who cares) is someone who is always there (at least in my heart), and someone I can spend time with in person, in the flesh. I guess when I see others spend time with each other in person and I realize that I can hardly do the same, I don’t know what to think about my relationship with someone (especially my friendship with her). Isn’t physical presence in a relationship important? What am I supposed to do or think when I can’t have that?

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