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KodenameKnd

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  • February 23, 2018 at 8:25 am #194069
    KodenameKnd
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    Anita,

    I agree and I want to thank you for your replies and advice. You have helped me to understand my emotions more.

    February 23, 2018 at 5:05 am #194041
    KodenameKnd
    Participant

    Anita,

    Wow definitely I do remember refusing his hugs a lot. I also remember me and my younger sister used to fight a lot – very badly. Like you said a parent passes on that aggression.

    By the way I’m still in contact with my father and after everything I forgave him. I think I feel sorry for him in a way. Sometimes I wonder about his childhood and if he went through some form of abuse. Another thing I remember was my father calling me weak for being emotional. This led me to hold in my emotions til this very day. Our relationship is not strong. He’ll occasionally meet me to give me money and he will ask me if I’m eating healthily and looking after myself well. He only calls me to arrange a time to meet up to give me money. Sometimes I feel guilty he gives me money all the time but deep down I know I shouldn’t feel guilty.

    February 23, 2018 at 4:26 am #194027
    KodenameKnd
    Participant

    Anita,

    I don’t understand either but that was the advice I was given by my therapist. She then sent me a letter in the post confirming my dismissal and a list of counselling services.

    And I do fear criticism, also embarrassment. Yes I did receive such criticism as a child from my father and older sister. At home I remember my Dad was very serious and he used to beat me as discipline and call me names such as worthless. I can’t remember why I used to get beaten but I believe it was over innocent little things I did as a child. This made me fearful of father and I was also confused emotionally as he would hug and show me love sometimes then criticise and beat me. Also my older sister would tease and criticise me as a child calling me a big head, skinny, anything to do with my appearance. This affected my confidence. She would also embarass me alot aswell. I remember at family event I was getting told off by an elder and she was making faces behind the elder’s back making me feel shamed. I then attacked her out of anger.

    My mother was the only one who showed me love and appreciation so when she passed away it was really hard for me. I found it difficult to express my emotions as I didn’t trust anyone. My mom was the only one who didn’t criticise me. I remember as a child askin her to split up with my Dad.

    February 23, 2018 at 3:41 am #194019
    KodenameKnd
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thanks for your reply. I have tried CBT but I was dismissed as my therapist suggested counselling to help with understanding my emotions. She suggested I could return so I think I might give it another go.

    The origin of my anxiety around people was when I was slapped in the face by a bully in public. This made me feel shamed, embarrased and worthless. I was angry at myself for not being able to defend myself. In social situations I would feel these same feelings. On top of that I already had low self esteem and confidence due to constant criticism (I’m very sentitive to criticism) from people. This led me to hide from social situations to protect myself.

     

    Mark,

    Thanks for your reply and advice. I’ll definitely check out Metta Meditation and try making one friend.

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