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Padawan

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  • #168358
    Padawan
    Participant

    I guess what I really was struggling was:

    1.  I had to request it:  I guess offices are seen as a synonym of status. I was afraid that my manager hadn’t  approached me offering one because I am not good enough.  Part of me still thinks that I was/am under valued. It would have been easier if my manager came to me acknowledging my experience and my contribution than me having to remind him and myself.
    2. Accepting that at work appearances matter:  I’ve been reaching the conclusion that it looks like there are unspoken agreements in the work place: the office gives you a status. If two people are comparatively good in what they do, the one with the office may tend to get a bit more trust
    3. Feelin responsible for my “undervaliousness”.  I felt that if my peers didn’t see me as experienced and competitive or as a go to person. it was because of my own attitude and lack of confidence. I always thought that if I did my job well, and showed commitment, people would notice me and value my experience and offer me opportunities.  Unfortunately, it seems that for people to notice you, you have to do a bit of self-publicity, and I really didn’t want to do that.
    4. Feeling that wanting the office for status and sending the message of I am moving up,  contradicted the approach that is based on letting go, or accepting that you can’t control what others think, and acknowledging that people in general hide behind armours to hide the vulnerability.  I am afraid that the office would become an armour.  A part of the costume of the professional version of myself
    5. Anyway, I guess I am going through a period of finding myself, my voice, trying to learn to remain open to people with kindness while being able to handle criticism, snarky comments or the lack of connection with my colleagues.
    6. I guess that’s the other part of the story. I am looking for a connection with my colleagues which I think I am not getting. I was ashamed of me potentially seeing the office as a scape to that, or as I way of saying: hey look! I am as good as you are!. Can we be friends now? now do you respect me?

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years ago by Padawan.
    #166154
    Padawan
    Participant

    Dear Yvar and Anita

    Thank you so much for your kind inputs. They have been very helpful

    The insight about the things that may be keeping me stuck was very useful. I think it put me of the track of noticing that anger in underlying the whole situation. I have been holding grudges and frustration for many reasons and that has been manifested in jealousy, lack of confidence and in feeling threatened all the time.  I think this puts me one step closer to accepting that it is ok for me to want to move forward in the company,  in trusting my self more and that accepting that I  don’t have control about what others think or how they behave.

    Regarding how to address the behaviors of my colleagues that bother me I think that becoming aware of my anger will help me figure out a kind and gentle way of setting boundaries, which goes in line with Anita’s advise. For now, I think the first step is looking inside, recognizing my anger and letting it be there without running away from it. This last part is what I think I have been doing. I think this approach will make me less reactive and will help me act more wisely when my colleagues trigger my insecurities.  Unless I do that, even if I tell them that they are being rude, or how to behave, I may end up feeling confrontational  and defensive with them.  I would like to avoid doing to them what I don’t like them to do to me: telling how to behave and what to do.  I think there is hope!

    Thank you so much!!! I feel a lot better today!

    #166020
    Padawan
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you so much! and yes you are making all sense

    Yes and I am aware that the feeling of isolation I have is another type of beast. However, it has been one of the reasons why I have been afraid of making the change.

    Today I had two events with two colleagues that gave me more determination to make the move. Unfortunately, in both cases I  felt disrespected and I am under the illusion that having the office will send them the message that I am not another junior staff with requests that don’t matter or that doesn’t know how to do her job.  At the same time, I also know that they may still see me as kinda of a loser if that’s what they choose to do, even if I become president of the company one day.

    I want to avoid changing my behavior for getting their approval and I don’t want to spend time and energy competing with them or proving them that I know what I am doing and that I have a seniority.  But at the same time, I feel that if I don’t do it they will take over my projects, continue treating me as they can tell me what to do, jumping in conversations I have with other colleagues about my projects, with a sense of entitlement; and challenging my decisions and opinions.  I care about their actitudes because their actions may affect my work.

    Among the many practical and professional reasons I have for getting that office is the message I think it sends.  However my worst fear is that even after changing places I won’t be happy until I resolve whatever issues of confidence I may have. It is hard sometime to know if I am being bullied or if I am lacking confidence.

    Thank you so much!

     

     

    #165936
    Padawan
    Participant

    Hi Priscilla and Hana

    Even though I may not be facing discrimination as most people in my group are inmigrants and see favouritism. I can see an example like the one with the flyers happening to me.

    What i have been doing is:

    Realize that is a reflection of who they are

    Try to identify the things I have been doing that may have contributed to the situation. I realized that I need to be more clear i  the way I express my messages for example

     

    I realize that I am my own voice. I would love having the mentoring and nurturing environment that makes you feel safe. That’s  my need and I had to accept that they just can’t provide that as they are fighting their own battles

     

    I repeat to myself constantly that I belong. If I want respect…i give myself respect. I want toletance. I give myself and others tolerance. I speak. I trust my ideas and I am prepared to respond back and defend my ideas when someone says no.

     

    I realize that I have to trust my achievements and my skills  and be open with them with kindness ans compassion

     

    I have worked in forgiving ofenses and letting go grudges.

     

    All this of course has taken a looooot of work, meditation, coaching,  listening to Pema Chodron and similar teachers etc…but it has been al worth  it.

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