Some time ago, I watched a short clip online where someone said, “Our life from 30 to 45 is when we come face to face with change. Someone we know is dying, someone we know is moving on. Death becomes something we have to start familiarizing ourselves with.” This statement has been on my mind because it rings strangely true. It’s not that death hasn’t occurred before the age of 30; rather, before that age, life is often filled with youthful pursuits and a different reality.

Twenty years ago, my grandpa passed away after suffering from his illness for less than a year. Eight years ago, my grandma passed away after battling a chronic illness for more than two decades. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that my only grandmother will soon leave me due to her illness. Isn’t that something that seems inevitable? This time, I feel the heaviness of grief—anticipatory grief.

Perhaps it’s because I’ve sat across from three different doctors who have told me how incurable her condition is and that she only has a couple of months to live. Maybe it’s the knowledge that her children have failed to visit her. It pains me to think that they have taken away her choice to know about her condition and how she could have spent her last moments in this world. The grief I feel is compounded by my realization of what I know and my inability to change that situation.

She will never learn the truth, while her children had already given up on her long before she had a chance to fight. I’m not sure if it’s grief or guilt I’m experiencing—guilt over what I could have done better. I know I could have acted differently, but I’ve convinced myself that excuses for her children’s actions justify my own inaction, even though deep down, I know that isn’t entirely true.

Sometimes, life takes unforeseen turns. It could happen to any of us—we are all vulnerable to the unpredictable nature of life. But how do we make sense of it when we grow up learning about right and wrong? Life seems cheap in this corner of the world; that much is true. How do we know what to do to get through this? Is it too much to ask for a single true note to guide us?

The person in the clip mentioned that “by the age of 50, we begin to accept that death is inevitable; perhaps we have come to embrace it.” This shift in perspective isn’t discussed enough. We often get so caught up in worrying about making enough money that we forget to consider the pain we might feel from someone else’s suffering. No matter how much we earn, a sense of security is merely an illusion.

I don’t fully understand how grief manifests in this stage of life, or how it will change over time, but I’m grateful to feel it, as it represents a love that has transcended. If I were to follow the path I envisioned in my twenties, I would never have believed I would make the choices I have made to do what is right. Because of this, I allow what truly matters to guide me through this phase of life, and perhaps, in the end, I will find peace with it. We cannot escape death; it is essential, as it gives life its meaning.