Younger Brother Update:

I realize a big part of my psychological stagnation is because I have walked on egg shells around my brother for 10-15 years. Over the years I have built up this mentality of anticipating what I will say when he’s around, seeing if he is around or not… I’m tired of being the polite, quiet girl who tries to win people over with niceness. I’m tired of wasting brain cells over this. I want to live my life and be me. I know that if I can be myself around him and not allow his comments to affect me I can be myself around anyone. This is going to be hard because I have to go against a pattern that has been ingrained for 10-15 years. Advice is welcomed and encouraged! Has anyone dealt with either undoing a pattern that’s been set for years, people pleasing habits, or conflicting feelings about family? How did you deal with it and what have you used to make this work?

Hi Anita,
Thanks for the insight. To be honest, I don’t want to do either. I just want to be heard. I tried for a month arguing with him for everything. To him this was normal and didn’t deplete his energy. If anything, I think he gets something out of arguing. For me, I was exhausted and wasted valuable energy that I could be using for friends and other family members. I get that arguments are healthy, but with him it’s power play. I want to have a relationship with him, especially now that he’s more stabler, but there’s a part of me that, like I said, still is flinching inside, ready for the verbal punch.

Hi Dina,
My brother and I are 1 year and 8 months apart. I’m afraid of his words. He’s very witty and can be extremely manipulative. If I have a comeback he fires right back. If he is called out he admits it and continues. He’s never used physical force and I trust that he would never do that. For the most part, my mom sticks up for me. Even though he is so much better I become a little nervous when it’s only me and him. In the past, it’s been a mix. I have stood up to him before and it would be fights that didn’t end well. I would end up feeling worse. Other times I haven’t stood up for myself (convincing myself I’m being overdramatic…) or have been passive aggressive towards his comments (i.e. eyeroll, “uh huh sure”…)

Dear Anita,
What you said does ring true: the literal weakening of strong neuron pathways and also betraying myself in order to make sure my mom’s image isn’t tarnished. It’s conflicting because my mom and I can have these deep conversations and she has apologized sincerely (more so as she has gotten older). She has been there for me emotionally and physically at my lowest points and have supported me in my endeavors, yet I’m starting to realize most of my life my “negative” (anger, sadness, annoyance, frustration, irritation…) feelings towards her weren’t validated or on the rare occasion that they were, we would have to go through these long, heated arguments in order for them to be. Long story short, I just wanted to have them recognized whether she agreed or not. I wanted to feel heard and seen when I expressed these certain emotions, not twisted to feel bad or worse crazy.
By the way, I appreciate your patience and taking on this challenge 🙂

Anita,
I can say the same to you. You could have responded to my comment with passive aggressiveness or dismissing it, but instead you chose to reply with raw vulnerability. It does take discomfort (at least for me) to express my concerns, but I believe it also takes equal discomfort for you to sincerely take the assertion in stride. I’ve never had someone respond to an assertion so positively. Honestly, I felt surprised in a good way and was smiling when I read your post. You have helped teach me that not everyone responds to assertions negatively, and that an assertion isn’t always a gateway to a heated argument.
As for my mom, she’s done both: she has done the half hearted apologies that, while they don’t feel like blows, they are definitely not apologies. It’s like the “I’m sorry you feel that way” defense. She has also apologized sincerely so it’s a mixed bag. She has the potential to be really manipulative.
I have felt “crazy” and “stupid” in the past because of this manipulation. Without going too much into detail, I felt she had made an elitest comment about my boyfriend (my boyfriend wasn’t there just FYI). I later confronted her about that, saying that while that might have not been her intention, I felt offended by her remark. She responded that it’s all in my head. When I respond with “no it’s not” she says “of course it isn’t” and then continues with how she can’t believe I can’t trust my own mother to not be an elitest, that because I know she isn’t an elitest I shouldn’t call her out when she says something that I find elitest. She has said “it’s all in my head” I believe another time and “you must have a lot of stuff going on in your head”, and she has said “you can’t expect me to be perfect” and has commented how she has felt I expect her to be so perfect. While she has only said the comment “it’s in my head” a couple times, it really hurt since years ago I experienced a period of clinical depression in high school and at times felt like a crazy person. She has also made comments like she would do this or this when she was my age… or so-and-so behaved like that. For instance, I expressed a grievance and she responded that my aunt is like that with a chip on her shoulder, but then she said “well she’s in her 40’s and you’re only in your 20’s”. It’s her way or the high way. My brothers and I have talked about it and have come to the same conclusion. While she would never kick me out of the house or do something that severe, what I’m trying to say is that if I express a deeper grievance (not a milder one like knocking on my door first before entering) we would have a heated argument and more often than not my feelings aren’t validated. I have learned that assertions usually come with heated arguments. When I imagine myself telling her these things I can picture her voice saying “you really do hold grudges…that is so in the past…” or I can imagine her saying “when have I ever done this?” and then I feel immensely stupid, crazy, and embarrassed and start questioning my sanity. Just the fact that I feel “overdramatic” and mildly crazy writing this stuff down indicates something is up. I guess I feel like I’m going against my mom who has done so much for me and that I’m betraying her by posting this for some reason.

Hi Anita,
Thank you for your concern. I’m alright. I’m aware that my mom isn’t perfect so that image has long shattered. That tidbit is awakening because I had thought I felt safe going to her for anything. In most cases, yes I do feel comfortable going to her. It’s not black and white with her. There are times when she is apologetic and then times when she becomes manipulative and defensive when I confront her with an issue. I guess what sucks is the inconsistency. It is easier and feels safer to go up to my dad and express my feelings because he’s pretty consistent with his responses. I don’t usually feel stupid with him. With my mom I risk feeling like a crazy person if I confront her with an issue. I remember there was a confrontation between my mom and I and I had wrote her a letter about it with the intention of giving it to her, but never did. I believe now I didn’t want to risk feeling crazy. A couple months ago we had an argument and I expressed my anger when she has said those things, especially when she has told me “it’s in my head.” She eventually did apologize, but she doesn’t remember saying that to me. I think she believes that if she apologizes consistently it means she is a bad mom because she keeps on making mistakes. I wish she knew that everyone makes mistakes including her and that she is only human and actually that’s a sign of strength.
On a slightly different note, I feel that with your last post you are starting to border into telling me this is how my parents are only getting a glimpse from my perspective about their behavior. I appreciate your support, but I need to draw my own conclusions about their behavior for myself.

Dear Anita,
I never thought of that–tell my mom to stop pressuring him. I feel like in order to do this though I have to tell her right after she pressures him becasue she gets really defensive. I think I will assert myself with her when the time is right becasue the relationship between my dad and me isn’t her business.
I don’t know if I will tell my dad that I told my mom to butt out. Maybe I will. I”m not sure. My dad is so stuck in his ways that I’m not sure if it would help.
I’m close to my mom. She has made it a point to be a part of my life. We hang out about once a week and talk about every other day. She has her quirks and I get annoyed with her at times, but overall I’m appreciative that she tries.