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laelithia

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  • in reply to: Let a good guy go. #366831
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I apologize for the late reply, I can’t believe 3 weeks have already flown by! I’ve been very busy with work and clients especially during the pandemic and dealing with family health issues but it seems like things are stabilizing a little bit in that area so that’s good! I hope you’ve been doing well.

    To reply to your questions:

    1.  When I speak about “my damage”, I am referring to the issues that you and I have discussed from my past that have led to these significant blunders I make in dating. I was discussing this with a very good friend of mine and she brought up the point that I was so sheltered by my mother in my childhood (not allowed to socialize or date until I was upwards of 16 with anyone that was not family) that I am experiencing these things later in life. Such as being “boy crazy” and having crushes and things that are usually associated with behaviour of school-aged girls. It reminded me of comments you have made in the past about how I should practice engaging my inner child.

    2. I’m a little torn with this one. I have two trains of thought when it comes to this. The first is that rather than it is about trying to earn or win these men back, that it is more that I value them higher/are more interested in them because of their emotional unavailability/elusiveness which feels safer to me. Safe because they are not pushing me for commitment/coming on “too strong” and therefore I do not have to face my own fears of commitment and the idea of potentially “settling”. The man that I wrote this post about was great in so many ways, but I think I simply was not ready for the commitment he was searching for (and if I’m honest, the commitment I was saying I was looking for that turned out not to be true). I notice this phenomenon because as soon as someone is showing true interest in being with me seriously romantically, I start to notice their flaws more and wonder if I can do better with someone else. However, as soon as that same person pulls away, I suddenly see them as this great catch that I took for granted and should try to get them back. But even still, once they do come back, I have the same initial reaction thinking I can do better and should not commit to them. I wonder if this has to do with the seriousness of my very first relationship (who happened to also be my very first date!) that lasted for many years and was very difficult emotionally, physically, and financially to separate. I wonder if that experience was more substantial than I have made it seem, and that I still have fear driving me to ensure that I don’t ever have to do that again.

    The second train of thought that I have in regards to this issue I have, is that maybe it is simply about subconsciously pushing men away and then making it my mission to earn them back to prove my worthiness. Or, maybe it is both trains that are correct, I’m not sure. Anyway, when I am attempting to win them back, it feels very difficult and a challenge and I find this is usually when I become my “best” self in certain ways, such as physically. I’ll find that this is when I am able to lose some weight, organize my home, work on getting anxious thoughts out of my head. It seems that this period of “earning” someone back is when I actually work on improving myself and usually have success. I remember with J (who the current man I have been lamenting over reminds me of in many ways), I did this several times. I would push him away, earn him back, lose interest/wonder if there was better for me out there, push him away again, and earn him back again. However, the final instance of pushing him away was permanent and no matter what I tried to do to earn him back, it did not work as he had moved on to someone else.

    I have been giving this a lot of thought over the past weeks. Especially since more and more S (the most recent man I dated in the other city) reminds me of J. Or at least the scenario, my mindset, obsession, etc. reminds me of him. With both men, the relationship moved extremely quickly, with both men they met my parameters in terms of physical “type”, with both men I became physical with them quickly due to the intensity of lust I was feeling, and with both men, I quickly began to build a fantasy in my head about a future with them. Also, both men showed emotional unavailability red flags in the beginning, showed inconsistencies in words and actions, and both men are very good at romancing women. With both men, the act of losing them and trying to earn them back was constantly on my thoughts. Even now, as I am currently in the other city for a while, I cannot stop thinking about S and wanting to reach out to him, even though I know it is not a good idea and that even if he did show interest in meeting with me, we are not compatible long term. That being said, there is a chronic frustration with his lack of contact, as just last week or so ago he mentioned wanting to meet for a drink when I was back. I know this should not matter at all and that men say whatever they want in the moment, but it bothers me that he spoke at lengths about his values being honesty, integrity, and loyalty yet does not exhibit those traits with me.

    Either way, I am trying my best to process these emotions I’m feeling without it affecting my behaviour, but I still struggle to ascertain what is a good choice in actions and what isn’t. I am leaning towards not saying anything to this man and just deleting his contact and all connections on social media, but part of me feels like sending a final goodbye. I will think more about it.

    Thanks again Anita so much for your continued help and support!

    L

    in reply to: Let a good guy go. #365480
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I ended up waiting and not replying to his text (yes, a text after midnight saying good evening. Mind you, he is one hour behind, so it was technically 11:30pm for him).

    We have messaged a little back and forth, but nothing really of substance, and when I tried to call him last night instead of texting, he didn’t answer and only said “sorry I missed u, busy night”. I haven’t replied, I suppose there doesn’t seem to be a point anymore. He has shown in many ways that I am no longer a priority for him, I almost find it more upsetting that he bothers to contact me at all anymore when it’s clear I mean so little to him. I don’t know why men (and I guess some women too) do this. I feel it puts me in an uncomfortable position. I don’t know if it’s right or not that I haven’t replied to his last message or not. Part of me wanted to ask if he was seeing someone else so that I could finally “get over” him and forget him, but I feel like this would probably just hurt me in the end, I don’t know. I also thought about asking if he was still planning on taking me on a boat ride when I got back, but again, I suppose what’s the point.

    I agree with all you have said about the Specific Relationship Rules I am to follow moving forward. I’m feeling quite deflated as of late, this silly dalliance (can’t even call it a relationship!) and its aftermath has had a significant negative impact on me, and I don’t feel very hopeful about dating and relationships right now. That being said, I do feel lonely and the odd man out in my friend group and family as everyone seems to be moving on with their partners and own families and I feel very stuck in this department. It’s a little sad, I’ve now had several groups of single female friends move on and find long term partners while I have not. I’m trying not to think and feel like this, but there are times that I really do think it will never happen for me, that my damage is too significant to work through at this stage of my life.

    I also feel quite trapped in my own taste in men, in that I supremely value men that have discarded me, and I disvalue those that show interest. Occasionally there are men like the ones that I have written about that I do value while they show interest in me, but it seems like soon enough my blunders occur and then their interest is gone, and I seem to value them more or want to earn or win them back. I suppose that’s what is happening with this current man. Last night I couldn’t sleep (was woken up several times in the night thinking about him and what happened) and I am so disappointed in myself, that I have wasted so much mental energy and time thinking about someone that barely held any significance in my life. I really wish I could forget him and move forward with my lessons, but for whatever reason, I can’t seem to. Perhaps it’s because he still contacts me from time to time (for what purpose I have no idea!), but I’m not sure.

    I was aware of the definition of OCD, and perhaps one small sign of my own self-awareness is that I could identify my behaviours within relationships as OCD related. I think RROCD you have coined is quite accurate for me and I will keep this in mind for when I feel hopeful of dating, but I just don’t feel up to it now. I hope this passes. Thanks again, Anita.

    L

    in reply to: Let a good guy go. #365104
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your response and explanation about the dates. That makes sense and as usual, very helpful.

    Ironically, he just messaged me “Good evening miss L, how has your return to hq going, I hope you’re doing well. Just checking in.”

    I accidentally opened the message so now he knows I’ve read it unfortunately. But I don’t know what to say… I hope it’s okay I leave it for the night since it’s late and I have an early appointment. But the people pleaser in me feels panicked that I should reply something since it’s rude to have read the message and not reply right away. Although I suppose he’s done that to me before, so maybe it’s okay if I do? I hope he doesn’t take it as passive aggressive that I don’t answer right away. Even as I type this though, I feel I am probably overthinking it…

     

    L

    in reply to: Let a good guy go. #365098
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Ah, once again I am totally impressed with your skills of observation and deduction. I hadn’t considered this, and I believe you’re right. It makes more sense too, as I didn’t think he struck me as the type to be dishonest. He told me this friend saw him on a dating app, but he didn’t say when and it does seem that he considered this date more of a meet/hang out than a “date” date. I should have listened closer and not let my obsessive thoughts carry me away.

    I wholeheartedly agree that this is not suitable for me. I think I let the “norm” or what my friends do make it seem okay for me, but you’re absolutely right, I cannot manage early physical intimacy and then stay objective. I suppose in the beginning I justified sleeping with this man early on as at the time I didn’t see him as relationship potential, and I figured as long as we were safe it would be alright. That being said, I now know that it is never a good idea for me, relationship material or not. I was proud of myself for a few weeks, as I did not drink with him or while I was seeing him, and even though we had sex early on, I did not feel pressure or anxiety to rush the relationship for quite a few weeks. I think unfortunately the act of disclosing to my friend about him and the situation (even though I didn’t want to, but felt the need to give her the information she was asking of me) triggered my obsessive thinking and compulsion to rush the relationship. In the past, my parents fit the role of my friend and caused the same pattern. Therefore I will add this to my list of lessons, not to divulge my private dating life to anyone in the beginning. I had thought of posting here and speaking to you about him, but I (stupidly) thought I might “jinx” it by posting (so far I only seem to post about men and relationships that don’t go well). I see now the lack of logic in this thinking!

    It does sadly seem like the ship has sailed. But even as I type “sadly” I am conflicted. Maybe it isn’t so sad, maybe it is for the best. I doubt that you can answer this for me, but do you believe that this man was possibly relationship quality and my blunders caused a good ship to sail, or do you think it might not have been a good match/he wasn’t ready anyway?

    The last we spoke, after I thanked him for lunch and told him not to work too hard while I was away, he wrote to me “Thank you Sweety, keep in touch. Let me know when you’re back”. Also the day before, he said “Hey, I’m heading to (friend’s), you’re still on the schedule for a boat ride tho” when I asked how since I was leaving the next day, he said, “when you return, flexible schedule”. I suppose this makes me feel somewhat inclined to let him know when I was back since I said I would, but at the same time as you mention, just because he said these things a week ago, it doesn’t mean they still hold weight.

    I like your metaphor of the corner of the picture vs. the whole picture. I also think you are correct in that waiting to slowly get to know that man rather than rushing into things physically and emotionally will help with this. I will take your advice and I will never sleep with a man prior to 4 dates, I promise! Out of curiosity, how did you decide on it being 4 dates as opposed to another number of dates?

    Thanks again so much Anita, you are really helping me.

    L

    in reply to: Let a good guy go. #365006
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    It does seem confusing but I can promise you I am not rewriting history. I think it’s confusing because it seems at one point or another, he was dishonest. I just don’t know which time this was. On Tuesday night he told me he did not have any dates scheduled, but he did tell me he would let me know if he did. On Wednesday night (the day he was to meet my brother) he told me he had the date with a “friend” scheduled a week ago, which means either he was dishonest about this, or he was dishonest earlier when he said he didn’t have a date scheduled. I regret not confronting him regarding this inconsistency but I suppose I didn’t want to make the situation worse.

    I will try to refrain from speaking about it all being my fault. That being said, do you have any suggestions on if I should contact him when I am back in his city or not? I am leaning towards not, but I am also feeling inclined to contact him to discuss certain things (i.e. his dishonesty, etc.) but I suppose it shouldn’t matter. I’m bothered though, as we had discussed honesty and integrity early on, and I truly thought at his age (39) and his life experience, he would have been more upfront, honest, and respectful in our interaction.

    I hope you have a good night too!

    L

    in reply to: Let a good guy go. #364990
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I’m not sure if this small correction changes anything, but when I had uninvited him to meet my brother, he had not yet said he was wanting to go on other dates or that he had one planned, he simply said he would let me know if he did. It was later that night (when I had dinner with my brother) that he mentioned that he had a date scheduled the following day. I have no idea if that plan was made before or after I got upset with him.

    You are right though, either way, after being intimate with me he still was planning on going on other dates. I have no idea if he did or not in the end.

    Yes, I do see how toxic the relationship with my mother was, I have definitely been angry with her. So much so, that it has strained my relationship with my father, which really is disappointing. Thankfully I do not do as my other asks without question, in fact, she does not ask me to do or not do anything anymore, since I had a discussion with her about boundaries about a year or so ago. I have to give her credit, she has stuck to this. That being said, we don’t have much of a relationship now at all, just exchanging niceties here and there when I speak with my dad.

    As an update, I’m embarrassed to say that this “relationship” and it’s ending has been very destabilizing for me. I keep myself busy most of the day with work and social engagements or exercise, but unfortunately, I find myself plagued with thoughts of this person and what happened at night, so much so that I’ve dreamt of the situation almost every night the past week.

    I’m beyond frustrated with myself about this. I find this so ridiculous, I barely knew this person. But that in itself is what I’m so upset about, I feel like somehow it is completely my fault for a) pushing/wanting too much too soon and b) drinking and lashing out rather than staying calm, that caused this interaction to end prematurely. I feel like if I had behaved myself, I would have the peace of mind that it wasn’t meant to be, rather than now, which is that I don’t know if this could have been a good person to be with or not. I’ve been watching dating videos online, and they recommend that if a man is 6 months out of a serious relationship, you should not push him at all for any sort of commitment, and should take things slow. I didn’t do this once again, and I’m so disappointed in myself for it.

    If he had behaved the way he did in the end if I had still behaved in a way I was proud of, at least I would know there wasn’t a true loss. As it is, I have no idea. I haven’t heard from him now in over a week (the longest we’ve gone without speaking) and my gut is that he is with someone else. I saw on facebook he added a new woman as a friend, who happens to look a little like me, but who knows. Maybe I’m just making things up in my head. He did say last time we spoke at lunch that he was very overwhelmed with work and other responsibilities, so who knows. Either way, I have not reached out to him even though I might be going to his city next week. I don’t know if I should reach out to at least say hi or see where we stand, or wait until I am back in his city and let him know then like I said I would, or not at all. I just wish I wasn’t thinking about him at all, and a part of me is angry at him for coming on quite strong and doing “boyfriend”-like things like calling me daily and checking in about the health of my family only to abruptly stop like this and leave things open-ended. If he met someone else, I wish he would have said that.

    L

    in reply to: Let a good guy go. #364659
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You are so very insightful, as always. I honestly had never thought about this before. The Fantasy doesn’t exist, it doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do to ensure it’s survival. I suppose I’m slowly getting used to the idea of coming back down to Earth, to reality, instead of floating away in the clouds of Fantasy.

    I think even my grief that I feel now, is grief for the Fantasy, not for this person, not for reality. In reality, there was nothing there to grieve. Just a fling.

    That being said, I’m finding today a particularly hard day not to be angry with myself nonetheless. I am SO angry at myself for what happened with that “friend” of mine. I remember vividly that day that I didn’t want to speak with her, that I was busy with work and deciding what I was going to do with S at the time, but she kept texting me “call me, call me right now” and like an obedient child, I complied. Not only that, but I also let her talk at me on the phone for 2 hours, and promise her that I would report back to her what I did with S, basically that I take her advice only and uninvite him to meet me brother and to come over to fix up my bike (which was a very thoughtful thing for him to want to do!). Even now, since I have been back home, she has been calling and messaging me even when I say I am busy at work and can’t respond. It’s hard for me to believe I didn’t see what I see now in hindsight, how toxic this person is in my life.

    It’s a painful lesson to learn. Perhaps (and more than likely) this relationship with this man would have bombed anyway, but it is a particularly bitter pill to swallow that I will never know. That I allowed old people-pleasing behaviour to destroy something good in my life. I’m not sure how to let go of this, to forgive myself for this. I just keep rereading all my messages and how I so clearly betrayed myself to make someone else happy. It’s really quite sad.

    I now see parallels between this friend and my mother. Like my mother, I felt with her I had to do exactly as she said, no questions asked. That I wasn’t allowed to have privacy or boundaries. I am so upset with myself that I didn’t see the parallels sooner. That being said, if I had allowed myself to follow my gut and be honest about my feelings, I would have been able to consciously identify my discomfort with this “friend”. But I didn’t, and now I am here wishing and imagining a reality in which I did.

    Anyway, sorry about the continued ranting! I suppose there is still a lot for me to process. I hope you have a great day ahead Anita!

    L

    in reply to: Let a good guy go. #364485
    laelithia
    Participant

    Dearest Anita,

    I’ve read your last reply over and over, and I am truly in awe of your gift of observation and insight. I am so sorry that my gratitude for your time, energy and patience was not always apparent. It’s hard to believe that it has been 3 years since I began speaking with you here. You have become the only person I can fully be honest and unfiltered with and that is such a special thing to me, thank you so very much. I hope one day I can help you in some way.

    I believe everything you have written here is spot on. When you lay it out as you have, it shocks me that I did not come to the same conclusions, at least not as precisely. It is somewhat frightening how similar my posts are, and yet each time these situations arise in my life, they feel so unique to me.

    You are completely right though, in that these patterns continue, unfortunately. I do completely lose my senses (even my friends and family are shocked at the shift in my priorities when I do this!) and I put this “budding relationship” to the top of my list. I suppose it has to do with that Fantasy you spoke about before. Despite trying so hard not to, I have this silly belief that one day when I meet my “Prince Charming” I will be so fulfilled, I will be so happy, and I will live “happily ever after”. Cognitively I understand how silly a notion this is, but it is so tantalizing to me that I expend all resources at that moment to ensure the budding relationship continues when in reality, I feel this is the behaviour that probably turns men off and destroys my little fantasy. Which in turn, fuels my negative core belief of being unloveable or unworthy.

    I’ve been thinking for the last few days about this. I think if I am truly honest, I think I am afraid of “attaining” my fairytale ending. I think I’m afraid that one day if I finally catch what I’ve been so desperately seeking, I might find that in reality, it is not that I will “happily ever after”. That life will still have its challenges, that I will never have that perfect idyllic Fantasy life I have been yearning for so long. So perhaps, I subconsciously sabotage each “budding relationship” so that I can at least hold on to this hope, this Fantasy, knowing that it will never be disproven. But by this logic, it will never be proven, either.

    I think this recent experience hit me harder than it should have, because not only did I see him as my typical Fantasy man, but also as my way to move to the new city in one fell swoop. When I think about it this way, I’m quite disappointed with myself. I do not need to be “rescued” by some prince to be able to move to this new city. But I suppose it would have been easier, especially since he had already purchased the property and begun building it and when he alluded to me moving right into that idyllic property and storybook romance, I lapped it up. I don’t know if he said this in the heat of the moment (it was over the phone, not during or after sex though) or if he intentionally misled me, but either way, I lost all my logic. I simply ran with this fairytale idea, even if I knew deep down it was not rational, not this soon.

    It’s interesting that you point out that for some men it is a turn on to be placed on a pedestal, and for others, it is not. He actually mentioned during our last lunch together before I left that it made him uncomfortable when some people are too “over the top” with their compliments and warmth too early on. We were speaking in the context of a new friend I had made that was like this, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt this way in romantic relationships as well.

    Thank you so, so much for your concrete suggestions. I have read them over and over, I have saved them on my phone as well. I will make sure to review them daily so that I can keep myself accountable for these changes. I have added a step prior to these suggestions, where I will work on myself and improving my life. This includes getting into better shape physically (and mentally for that matter!), organizing my life and reducing clutter, and focusing on my friendships and relationships with my family. I will also focus on spending time with my dog, and I will honestly do my best to forget about this recent man. Although he has messaged me a small amount since I have been home, I have felt a huge shift from the attention and affection he was showing me before. He told me at our lunch that he wasn’t sure he really wanted a girlfriend right now and was just “taking it easy”. He made sure to tell me he wasn’t going on any other dates though and to keep in touch and let him know when I am back in the city so we can go on that boat ride after all, but I think I have lost faith in his words and as you say, are likely things just said in the moment.

    I think once I truly heal from my childhood wounds, and continue to love and care for myself, I won’t be so taken away by these men. That being said, I think I will always require a man that can communicate openly with me and will be able to be patient with me. I suppose time will tell, but I will not rush it.

    Thank you again so much Anita. I hope you’re doing well!

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by laelithia.
    in reply to: Let a good guy go. #363974
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you again for your kind words 🙂

    And again, thank you so much for your thoughtful response to even review my past posts to find similarities. I didn’t really make the connection, but you’re right, I would say that my current life mirrors that of my childhood in that I am educated, well-dressed and not at all lacking anything material and yet full of relational distress.

    I am closing than I ever have to moving away, which is so alluring and exciting to me. I think that is one of the reasons I was so quickly attached to the man I made the recent post about, as he so readily mentioned how well it would fit for me to move in with him in his new home and run my practice virtually there. I think for any other woman this would have been a big red flag, but for me, it was a beautiful green light.

    Surprisingly, he called me yesterday and last night and we have been communicating again. I am meeting him for lunch tomorrow, but we will see how it goes. I am determined no matter what to slow down the pace of whatever may come from this relationship, which will not be so difficult as I must go back home tomorrow night for a while anyway while I tend to my dog and help my father with what I can. I will keep you updated on how this meeting goes.

    You wrote: “I don’t think that you happen to meet man after man after man who is dishonest and uninterested from the start. I think that what happens may be that your core belief expresses itself in behaviors that turn men off to you, sooner than later.” This really hit home for me. I have always felt in my gut that this was true, but at the same time unable to clearly point out what behaviours in particular my core beliefs cause to happen, but I think I am slowly learning. I think slowing down the pace of these relationships will help a great deal to start with.

    I think you are right about the psychotherapy I have been receiving may not be to the level for which I need to reintegrate the little girl and the woman together. I am going to begin searching for another therapist, as the appointment I had the other day was helpful in illuminating certain areas requiring growth, but was not overly helpful in tools or strategies to begin/continue this growth.

    Thanks again Anita!

    in reply to: Let a good guy go. #363713
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you once again for your quick reply. Thank you also for your kind words regarding my father! He was diagnosed with kidney cancer in late June and luckily was able to have surgery in July to remove what they could of the cancer. He’s doing okay now, but unfortunately, there were some complications that he’s still healing from now. Unfortunately a couple of weeks ago my dog was also diagnosed with cancer and had to have emergency surgery to remove his spleen while I was away in the other city. He’s recovering well from the surgery, but we have sadly been told his cancer is terminal. All of this occurred right after meeting the man that I have recently written about. In writing this, I am reminded of the initial person I began writing on this forum about, J, whom I began dating while my mother was also fighting cancer. I wondering if there are some parallels there with how I’m feeling now.

    He and I began talking late in June and met for the first time in person in early July. He was not my usual type, but he made an effort to call me before we met in person and he seemed to take initiative and was older than the men I had dated in the past, so I thought perhaps it would be a good fit. We became physically intimate early on, but I was alright with this. To be honest, at that time, I wasn’t sure if it would develop into a relationship or not, but I wasn’t too focused on it as I had not yet moved to this city. I was only able to stay for a couple of weeks this visit though, as I had to urgently fly back to my home city when my dog became sick as it was looking at that time that he would not make it. After I rushed back home in such a hurry, I honestly didn’t think I would hear more from S. To my surprise, he called and checked in every day that I was back home, despite me not knowing when I would be able to come back. He began calling me “Sweety” and other pet names and overall seemed to me to be treating me like a girlfriend. He told me at this time that he wasn’t planning on going on other dates, and I felt comfortable with this and also did not go on other dates. When I was able to come back to this city, he picked me up from the airport and we spent most of the weekend together. Throughout my time in knowing him, it seemed to me with his actions he was clearly showing that he wanted an exclusive relationship with me. He spoke about how he had purchased property here and was building his own studio for his business and house and how he could see me living with him and how I could operate my practice virtually there with him. He spoke about how he believed I would make a good partner, and mother. At no point did I feel like he was still interested in playing the field.

    My surprise came when on Tuesday of my trip, he alluded to the fact that he would let me know if he ended up dating or being with someone else. I told him I didn’t realize he was still considering this, and he told me that he felt that he wasn’t 100% sure he was ready for a committed relationship “right now”. I took this quite badly, as instantly I was reminded of all the times men in my life had said those words in my past, and how badly that went. It also didn’t make sense to me that he would want to do that, as he had acted so much like a partner/boyfriend the last month or so it seemed to me that’s what he wanted with me.

    You are right, it seems that he is the one that was pushing me away by dating others. At first, I told him I was okay with him going on other dates (he said he wouldn’t kiss let alone sleep with others), but when he brought it up more than once, I think this is when I became cold towards him. To me, it didn’t make sense that was what he wanted yet in so many ways it seemed to me his actions were making it clear that he wanted to build a relationship with me.

    I suppose it seems like I’m the one that misbehaved because we were not yet “boyfriend/girlfriend” official, but I believed we were exclusive. I suppose that was not clear.

    To answer your last question, I think you have a point in that I was not okay with him dating others once he had already scheduled a date. If I ever do discuss this with him, I will ask him why it seemed like he was doing things that seemed like he wanted a relationship with me, but also saying he wasn’t ready for this.

    I didn’t expect to hear from him, but ironically after I posted this to you, he messaged me saying “Hey there, just checking in, how are you?”. I replied back “Hey, I’m good! Just at the beach, how are you?”

    A few hours later he replied simply “Nice, I’m taking it pretty easy.” and then sent me a link to a funny video. I am not sure what he is trying to do with this contact, if he is just trying to be “friends” with me, or if he is trying to reignite what we had before.

    L

     

    in reply to: Let a good guy go. #363667
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I should rephrase, what I meant by “missed” is I didn’t see an email notifying me that you had replied, and I admit that I did not come back to check and read if there was one waiting for me. I am sorry about that. I think at this point my father’s cancer diagnosis had come and was focused on that. I do know what you mean though, and I apologize for not making more of an effort to reply to the thoughtful posts you have taken the time to write to me.

    Definitely I can understand how this would come across that I have not taken into consideration what you have written to me. I occasionally hear the same feedback from friends and family. I think what’s happening is that my progress is slow. It feels at times that there is some sort of block, that someone has to repeat what they say multiple times for me to really hear it and understand it. I wonder sometimes if that has to do with my diagnosis of ADHD, but I’m not too sure. I am trying my best to really work on this, either way. I was taking a different medication for this and the anxiety, however I didn’t feel it was helping and with the okay from my medical practitioner, I was titrating down off the medication. I wonder now, with what recently happened, if this was premature.

    Thank you Anita, I like and admire you very much. Believe it or not, I have been in continued therapy for over a year now. I have an appointment scheduled with my therapist tomorrow, I have decided I will be honest with her and let her know that I don’t think my progress has been going well, and see what she suggests in terms of a concrete action plan to move forward and make permanent changes. Maybe she has been holding back with her true assessment of me, I’m not sure. Either way, I have to do something, because my disappointment in myself and regret is not helping me.

    That all being said, do you have any advice to me in regards to the current man I have written about? I’m very sad it is at this state, as just a week or so ago I was thinking of writing to you with the opposite feedback, that I was very proud of myself for how I was handling the new relationship and that I was feeling very little anxiety in it, and even when I was, I did not project this onto the relationship or the man. I’m disappointed that I did not reach that point and am back at this place. Once again, I apologize for the lack of my response and will be much more cognizant of this in the future. Thank you again for your continued support and guidance!

    L

    in reply to: Let a good guy go. #363653
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I apologize for my late reply, I somehow missed yours! Thank you so much for your reflective thoughts on the man I mentioned earlier. I think you’re right, that these traits could have continued if I stayed in a long term relationship with him. Who knows, maybe in the space of us not dating, maybe he was able to work on these flaws too. Or maybe not. Either way, I don’t see it anymore as a fatal mistake that I didn’t stay with him anymore. Thank you for that.

    I also really appreciate your reflections on the feeling more “alive” vs. bland in your life. That gives me so much hope. I think I am slowly coming out of my bland emotional reset time, but it’s a process.

    I’ve actually returned here to discuss a different issue I am now facing. I might make another thread about it. To my utmost surprise, a week or so after posting about the man that got married, I met someone. He was not my usual type in many ways, but he was kind, assertive, generous, and brilliant with creating and designing things. I was somewhat more interested in another man, but I decided to pursue (let’s call him S) because he was so clearly pursuing me. I met him in the other city I’m planning to move to, and the experience was lovely. I felt somewhat alive again! But I was feeling even better because it wasn’t so flashy as you say, just a happy aliveness. Anyway, this continued for the month or so, even when I had to travel last minute back to my city because my dog became very ill. I thought we might lose him. Between that and my father’s recent cancer diagnosis and then surgery, I have felt it quite difficult to be away. Yet at the same time, I wanted to invest in this person that I could actually maybe see a future with as he indicated he could with me.

    He told me how he had purchased a property just outside the city that would allow him to move his company to the studio he was building and how he had even thought about how I could run my virtual practice there as well. He told me how he had “done the math” and how we had a great connection and our future goals aligned. This both excited and frightened me. I think despite desperately wanting a relationship, I also tend to become afraid when one is potentially possible, and if my anxiety is not in check, I tend to sabotage. While he was telling me these positive things, he also told me that he is 6 months out of a tumultuous 2-year relationship, and still felt a little pressure to date others as well, to “be confident in his decisions” moving forward. Instead of taking this well, I took it badly and began pushing him away. I also divulged too much of this to a bit of an overly nosy friend, and I let her get to me in saying it was totally inappropriate what he was doing and that I should tell him this. I now think this advice was a bit too extreme, but at the time I listened to it. I, unfortunately, uninvited him from meeting my brother and became short and cold to him. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I proceeded to have too much to drink that night and ended up sending some really odd texts that I now regret. He then told me he had a date scheduled the next day, and I really lost it. First I didn’t reply, even when he added that it was someone he knew from 8 years ago that used to date his friend and was more of a meet up than a date. Even then hours later I said “ Good luck on your date. I am not interested in being anyone’s plan B. I hope it pans out for you, thank you for being kind to me. Goodbye S, I wish you all the best.”

    I felt bad about this is the morning, so I said “ Sorry, I should have been honest and admitted that I was drinking last night. I’m not even too sure why I said what I did. Hope you have a good day.” to which he replied:

    “I’m sorry to hurt your feelings , this meeting was planned a week ago. My perspective isnt a plan b scenario, I’d like to go thru the motions get out a and meet some people so that I’m confident in my decisions. I feel you where kinda mental toying with me last night , I didnt have a good feeling. I also dont want to say goodbye, but that’s something you meantioned. I also meantioned I’d rather not gave a stressful convo before bed and the opposite is what actually happened. Please have a good day. I’m sorry o dont have my mind made up about us.

    I need a bit of space theres a lot goin on around me w work etc. I’ll just shut down if you press me too hard. Agsin I’m sorry your upset and I hope you can make the best of the day.”

    I gave him space for the next day or so, but then he messaged me and I messaged back. When I asked if he was still planning on getting my bike today (he had asked to get it to tune it for a bike ride for us on the weekend), he said “ I’m sorry not after our last interactions. I think your a nice person , but I dont feel theres any merit in a meeting not that it would change anything. I was hoping for some space. If you want to get something off your chest I’m free for a call at 12:30.“ after I asked to meet up to discuss our bad conversation and to explain myself. When I asked him if it was how I behaved that night that caused him to feel this way, he said “ This is a bit intense for me , I’m sorry. Consider us friends , I got your back. I’d rather not discuss it any further.” I did end up talking to him on the phone that day, he spoke about how he felt pressure from me to start a relationship so soon and that he wasn’t sure that he was ready at this point and that we didn’t know each other well enough yet to make that call.  He said he was worried about a few comments I made and was bothered by my mixed signals and would see how he felt the next coming days and that he “might” reach out to me on the weekend. Although sadly, he did not. It’s now been 4 days since I have spoken with him, when before I would hear from him throughout each day.

    I am torn if I should continue just to leave it as it is as I haven’t heard from him, or send him a short message indicating that I am leaving either Thursday or Saturday this week to go back home. I feel so badly about how I behaved, especially when he had been so kind and supportive of me up until this point. I think he was really hurt when I lashed out at him and said he couldn’t meet my brother or even come fix up my bike like he wanted to after I told him it was okay to take things slow and date others only just the night before. I also feel like I didn’t fully respect his desire for space, and he went from contemplating us to then saying we could be “friends”. I’ve talked to some friends about this, and they have almost all said I should just leave it and walk away. What do you think? I just feel so sad that I did this to myself, once again.

     

    L

    in reply to: Second thoughts about leaving a practice to start my own #359481
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hello Everyone!

    I thought I would update this thread as it has now been over a year since I originally posted it. Although I do still miss my previous workplace and my colleagues there, I am now content and happy about opening up my own practice. Even during the developments with COVID-19 and the restrictions in place, I have been able to maintain a good caseload of clients that I now see virtually or over the phone. I have 100% autonomy to run my practice the way I see fit, and I think in the end that suits me better, even though it is a lot more work.

    Thank you again nextsteps and Lauren for your responses, I read and considered both, and I think it helped me feel confident where I am today!

    L

    in reply to: Let a good guy go. #359480
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Canadian Eagle,

    Yes, Anita is the best! Would be so lost without her.

    That is a very good point, our memories are not objective and often change over the years. Perhaps that’s what’s happening to me more than anything.

    Thanks again for your help! 🙂

    L

    in reply to: Let a good guy go. #359479
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I hope it is possible as you say that I meet and marry a man who will be even better to and for me than he was. I at least know that I won’t make the same mistakes chasing a Fantasy, and that’s thanks to you.

    I believe you’re right, that I did place him on a pedestal. He was great in a lot of ways but also had his flaws. When he was hurt that I was dating others and not him, he would often mock me or say cruel things to point out I wasn’t exclusively dating him. Also, he was insecure at times and rather than just come right out and say he wanted to be with me, he would hint at it and make me guess. I suppose no one is perfect, but I do wish I valued his positive traits more.

    Honestly, it’s hard for me to even recall specifics about him, as I was so focused on others at that time, as well as finishing my residency. I feel if I met someone like him now, I would be able to value and appreciate these positive traits rather than searching for an incompatible long term partner all in the name of the Fantasy. I guess better late than never.

    The more I think about it, the more I feel like my regrets with him have to do with a feeling of longing for the past. I think I wrote to you before about how that period of time in my life I felt more “alive” and I seem to wander in my mind to those few years often. I haven’t figured out why that is, as objectively my life is better and much more stable now. I hope that my future is as interesting and bright as that time and that I feel just as “alive”. I’ve noticed the past couple of years have felt very bland to me, and I hope that doesn’t continue.

    Thanks again for your help!

    L

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