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Hi Anita,
Thank you so much as always for your detailed and thoughtful reply. I must say, I really think you hit the nail on the head with this. I cried after I read your comment because I believe you are right.
My friends and family that I have talked to about “G” lately have reported the same thing. That’s I never mentioned him while I was lamenting over relationships with others that were not working out. It’s as if I didn’t let him in my life really at all, didn’t even talk about him with others really. I feel so sad about this too, because it’s as if he was a ghost. I suppose I did that on purpose at the time. Given the choice between him and some of the bad guys I was dating, my friends and family would have adamantly chosen G and not them. And I guess if I’m truly honest, at the time, I wanted the others and not G. I didn’t value his positive traits nearly as much as I do now, and I am angry at myself for this but I suppose there’s no point. I can’t go back in time.
When you speak of Emptiness and Fantasy, it really hits home. When I think of why I would ever even want the men that I did in the past that were mistreating me and not providing me with the qualities of a stable long term partner, the reason was that they provided some sort of high. They distracted me from the Emptiness, and I suppose it was that distraction/escape that provided the high. Just like any other addict that is using.
You are so, so right in saying the Emptiness is not good at evaluating men. Often, it chose the worst of them to pick as the partner. And you’re also right that it picks and chooses such minute and often superficial details of a person to make a picture that doesn’t exist. I have fantasized and idealized and projected so much onto these men that was never there in the first place.
“When Fantasy collides with reality, Fantasy dies again and Emptiness is back, pointing an accusing finger at you: you killed my fantasy, you made it go away!!!” Wow. This is very true with the infatuation experiences I had that I incorrectly labelled as love. I punished myself and was angry that I made these “mistakes” that made these men go away. When in reality, very little of it had to do with my behaviour I think.
Ah, you are right about G not triggering the Fantasy that I wanted. And you’re right, I chose to focus on the ones that did, no matter how toxic and incompatible they were for me. How I wish I could have seen this sooner. It’s still hard for me to see at times, to not crave the Fantasy and want that euphoric feeling to wash over me, but I now see the value in stability and steadfastness and true love and care. I want those now, not the Fantasy. G could have (and did in many ways) provided me with that. And I’m so sorry now, in hindsight, to have let that go.
You mentioned that there must be a way less fantastic and slower to fill Emptiness, and I think slowly but surely I am getting there. I have built my own life now, rather than waiting to join someone else’s that has already been built, the princess meeting the prince and living happily ever after in the fairytale. Now, I have my own life that I do love. I have wonderful friends and (mostly wonderful) family, a thriving career and business and hobbies and activities I participate in both alone and with others. I would say I’m content with my life in a lot of ways now, finally, and a lot of that is due to your help. Had I met G now, with my life the way it is now, I’m sure we could have had a real chance of being together long term. I feel sad I wasn’t ready before, but I have to accept that I wasn’t and that he is gone now.
This pain feels different than the others I wrote to you about in the past. Before, it was sort of a desperate madness-inducing feeling that I couldn’t really explain to others, while this one feels like a true loss. When I explain the situation, my past and poor decisions, and how I had a man like G in my life for many years that wanted me to be at my best and wanted to build a future with me without the chase of the Fantasy, they empathize with me. They feel sorry for me and they understand my sadness. Before, with the others, they simply could not.
They tell me that time will heal this wound. That one day I will find another, that I have to keep the faith. I am trying, but I feel truly wounded by this experience and facing my past. Like I was beaten up. I suppose it will take time before I’m ready to look for and find Reality rather than Fantasy. In the meantime, do you have any tips or strategies on how to process and move on from the loss of G? I have congratulated him on his wedding and wished him well (he did the same for me) and I believe this is the last contact we will and should ever have. It’s time to let go, and move forward. I’m just a little nervous about how.
L
Hi Anita,
That’s very understandable. I frustrate myself with being in this cycle. To answer your question, it definitely applies. I suppose I thought this situation was different because this person was not emotionally unavailable/a jerk lol like the last one(s). But you’re right, either way the regret is totally useless and I can’t go back and change it.
I just feel quite lost now. I feel rather discouraged to go out and try to find another “unicorn” of a guy and feel so wounded by my own poor decisions. Hopefully the feelings will pass. But I really feel this loss as a significant one rather than just a clinging need that had more to do with my childhood like I had to the others.
Hi Anita!
You absolutely do not need to apologize, I know you are only trying to help. I’m sorry for frustrating you. It definitely was not my intention.
That’s alright you don’t have any similar experiences. Do you have any insight for me knowing my previous posts? I don’t know if that would help but I’m hoping this feeling will pass. As you know I have a propensity to regret my decisions, and I’m trying very hard not to do that now.
Thank you again for your help with me and all the other posters here. You are a gift to us here!
Hi Anita,
I wanted to give you a little update. Since our last conversation, I have been going to therapy regularly (every other week or two) and have been trying to work everything that you mentioned out. I have also been taking antidepressants. It has been difficult to do this work, but I think it is my only hope of finding true happiness in the future.
Yesterday I had a session with my psychologist that really hit home. She mentioned that all my major “regrets” in the last couple of years involve my parents. I thought about this, and it’s true. With J, the original person I started this thread about, I feel subconsciously I sabotaged the relationship because my parents did not like or approve of him. Looking back, he was basically the antithesis of my parents. Where they are cold, critical and judgmental, he was warm, supportive and reassuring. He gave me emotionally what my parents never did or probably could. Also, with my recent regrets of starting my own practice, I believe this is due to the timing and how my parents demanded that I do it as quickly as possible, which I did. Rather than listening to my heart and gut that was telling me that the timing wasn’t right for me.
My psychologist mentioned that it seems like my parents feel the need to dictate all of my major life decisions to me, rather than let me sort it out on my own. I believe this to be true. She also mentioned that it seems my father soothes his general anxiety by telling me what to do and how to feel (ex. “Don’t do that… don’t be upset” etc.) which I believe is also true. At the end of the session, she said something that deeply affected me. She said in order for me to change this dynamic, to set boundaries with my parents once and I for all, I need to accept that they essentially cost me someone extremely dear to me, J. I thought about this all last night, and I really think sadly that this is true. Even that horrible night where I lashed out at him happened after my parents got involved and told me they did not want me to be with him long term.
I’m very sad today, thinking about all of this. I think about how my siblings have effectively over the years set healthy boundaries with my parents (either by moving away physically or refusing to talk about certain subjects) while I never really did. I thought about how they have all moved on with their personal lives, and I never really did. I am angry with myself too for allowing this to happen, and allowing for this cycle of enmeshment to cost me people and relationships that are irreplaceable to me. I feel like this learning took me too long, and not realizing it sooner cost me too much. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss J dearly. I think I truly loved him and in my heart of hearts, I believe if I hadn’t have gotten my parents involved with their strong opinions, we would probably still be together today. I am trying to completely reach acceptance that this will never happen, that life did not play out that way and grieve him and the relationship completely, but it is hard to grieve someone that is still living. Someone that is giving to someone else what I couldn’t fully value or appreciate at the time. He had his faults, but he tried and was present with me emotionally and physically at a time I desperately needed it. I still do. I feel unfortunately I will always miss that with him, and I wish I had had the courage those years ago to focus on that, rather than pleasing my parents.
I have decided that at the very least, I will not let my parents dictate any more of my decisions in the future. That I will keep more of my private life just that, private from them. I’m confident I will not repeat the same mistakes. But at the same time, I am devastated over what it has already cost me, and after all these years, I don’t know how to fully let J go. I miss him and his warmth, the little things of getting ready in the morning together, sharing our deepest secrets in the evenings, and holding each other all night. It breaks my heart knowing he is doing all of that now with the person he saw right after me. I have been on several dates since, even met someone that really reminds me of him both in appearance and demeanour, but in a lot of ways he also reminds me of how J excelled in what I wanted in a partner in most ways, and this new individual doesn’t quite.
I know I must move on, that nothing can change the past. But how do you do that when you can’t seem to find someone else to fill that person’s spot in your life, and each passing day you miss them maybe more than the last?
Thank you again Anita. Your help has been invaluable to me.
L
Hi Anita,
I will do my best!
1. No, I hae never taken any medication for mental health except for stimulants to treat ADHD. This was a disaster for me, and if anything, seemed to exasterbate my symptoms of anxiety/OCD characteristics. I have been off this medication for around a year, and I think it is this experience that terrifies me to take any SSRIs or other medication for mental health for fear of side effects and/or dependency. That being said, I do still think of it as an option, as a last resort.
2. I did attend psychotherapy consistently from 2016-2017. I thought one therapist was extremely helpful (very direct, but supportive) and the others I saw after her departure was, unfortunately, less helpful (mostly reframed what I said, not a lot of feedback) and I have not found anyone else yet.
3. His position is the same. He is quite assertive about this point, and although I do believe it is a possibility he might be open to moving some day down the road, I doubt it would be to Canada, and I think anywhere else would still be a small chance. I would enjoy living elsewhere I believe (although I don’t know since I have never left my hometown), but I am afraid of the consequences of doing so in my relationships with my family and friends. My mother has been in ill for many years (although doing much better now than she was in 2016), my aunt is terminally ill, and my extended family, in general, is ageing. I worry about leaving my home country and missing out of a lot, not to mention if I were to have children one day and for them not to have a relationship with my family.
4. Unfortunately, I do think this will be a problem. For instance, his mother still does his laundry (at her insistence!) so he brings his clothing back and forth from his new apartment (he “moved out” almost a year ago) so she can do this for him. In that sense, he is not fully independent yet and has not yet committed to his own apartment, even though it has been close to a year. I was able to convince him over many months to finally purchase a couch, a bed and a TV, but the progress is very slow for him to “adult” in some ways. I’m sure this is not my place to push anything, yet I feel frustrated at 28 years old he seems reluctant to move forward with his (and by extension, our) life. He is masters level educated, has a great management level position, yet in some ways he seems very childish in his personal life.
All that being said, his mother is an extremely kind and generous person and has always been very nice to me. It seems to me she just doesn’t want her son to grow up and leave the nest, even though he somewhat has already.
5. Yes, I believe I would be able to. I would need to find a position there in order to obtain a visa, but I could also work virtually part-time. We discussed finances, he is of the impression that I would need to make my own money but that he would be able to take care of some of the rent while I got settled. That being said, he does seem very wary about financial topics, and although he is well off and in a position to support me a little more, he seems unwilling to do so. I wonder if some of this is due to cultural differences, as I noticed Swiss people are very “fair” and seem to like things equalled.
6. I think so if the concerns I raised in the past with past relationships were not currently relevant. For instance, when he gets upset he will often threaten to break up. I believe this reopens the feelings of abandonment from past relationships, and then I begin ruminating about the past again. I have asked him to refrain from doing this, but he has very little emotional regulation skills when it comes to anger and often says mean things when upset.
7. I think if this happens we will break up. Depending on how I feel about living in Switzerland, I will either stay, move back home, the UK, or another city in Canada. In either option, I am not too afraid of building a life (i.e., making friends, finding a job, etc.) as I feel I am not too bad at this. The one positive of this scenario I can think of is that I would have known then that I tried everything to make the relationship work, that there was nothing else I could have done. That being said, it’s possible I will regret giving up my current work situation and be even older than I am now to begin a new relationship and family (this I feel less confident in my ability to do so). I feel that it is impossible for me to know what to do because I cannot predict how I will feel in the future, which is my struggle.
I hope that helps!
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