Hi Anita,

What I meant when I said my mother doesn’t have as much as an effect on me as my ex is that I have taken your suggestions and reduced contact with her, set boundaries and stood up for myself when she didn’t respect them and told her how what she had done to me in the past had affected me. Lately, I have totally reduced contact, but when we do speak, she has begun to apologize for the specific hurts she has caused me, but it doesn’t seem to matter in the sense that I don’t feel any different whether she does or doesn’t apologize. I suppose the past has already happened, and there is nothing that can be undone. I am disappointed though, as I was really hoping that in rectifying her role in my life, I would start to feel at least some relief from the obsessive damning thoughts I have about my past relationships, but I have not.

I have been doing a lot of reading lately, and I have come to realize that there are many women (and men) that have been heartbroken after dating a separated/newly divorced partner. One pattern I noticed, is that both the ex of 2 years ago and the one following him that I wrote about to you (https://tinybuddha.com/topic/getting-over-infatuation-with-someone-who-wasnt-real/) were newly out of serious relationships. I seem to thrive in these relationships where I am the rebound, but I don’t see it until it is too late. I think is the openness of these men, the vulnerability and the neediness on their part for me that I crave. However, it seems as they “use” me and begin to heal from their past hurts and are moving on, I can’t seem to let go. I don’t believe objectively either of these men were necessarily the best men for me on paper (both dabbled in recreational drugs, lacked my level of ambition and long term goals, partied too much in my opinion), yet I idolized them as the perfect partners, and in a lot of ways still do. Their flaws didn’t seem to matter, because I was so happy. I felt loved. However I would get jealous and insecure, and often “check” if they were honest with me (look what time they were last online social media vs. responding to my texts, etc.). It seems the more fulfilled I feel in a relationship, the more nervous/anxious I am that they might change their minds. I suppose this is a textbook case of the anxious attachment style.

That being said, I cannot shake my feelings about the ex of 2 years ago. That had I reduced contact with my mother sooner, not cared what she and my father thought of me so much, that I wouldn’t have been so anxiously attached to my partners at the time. In fact, it was always soon after introducing my partners to my parents, that the relationships would fall apart. I can’t imagine that this is a coincidence. How can I possibly let go of these regrets, when it feels like I have doomed myself to never finding someone that I cared as much for again? I keep thinking that had this relationship worked out, we would now have been together for 3 or so years, and I could enter my 30s in a strong and healthy, loving and fulfilling relationship. As it is now, I am not at this point, and so far from it, it seems. I keep trying to tell myself that my ex of 2 years ago likely was not ready to enter a new relationship with me, that the new partner he has is luckier than me in the sense of timing. By the time they met, he was formally divorced. He only divorced mid-way through our relationship. That being said, the horrible night in late September, I believe he was trying to be with me, fully, and I blew it. I am constantly angry with myself, and full of regrets. If the relationship had ended over anything else, perhaps I wouldn’t have to be so hard on myself. But as it is now, I am constantly wondering “what if?” and worried that the rest of my life will pale in comparison to what it could have been with him.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your message. I regret to report after taking some time away to think about and process what you have written to me, I am not doing much better. I am still plagued by daily (nightly?) nightmares of my ex disapproving of me in some way, or being with his current girlfriend in front of me, etc. and not much has seemed to help. I tried for a few weeks to totally refrain from checking up on their social media, but even then the dreams continued. The constant thoughts continued. I did some research, and there is a psychologist that calls this obsessive overthinking of an ex “limerance”. I suppose I have this. I am angry and embarrassed most of the time that I cannot kick this, that I should be able to given my expertise and knowledge in psychology, yet here I am.

I keep trying to reinforce the link you have suggested between this person and my mother, but it never seems to stick for me. I agree that they triggered negative emotions for me, but I do not feel my mother has nearly as much power over me as this ghost of my ex. I am able to stand up to her lately, able to do as you say and speak to my dad separately from her. However, I did not experience improvement in regards to the obsessive thoughts/feelings of my ex after setting boundaries with my mother. At this point, both she and my father have suggested that I start speaking to a psychiatrist (as psychologists have not seemed to help me) and that I begin a course of antidepressants or even antipsychotic medication. Keep in mind they are both pharmacists by trade, but for the most part, are heavily against any of us children taking medication. I suppose then my situation is a testament to how disturbed they feel I am to need it at this point.

My concern and worry is that even if a medication takes away these obsessive thoughts (which I doubt they would really), then I will only be masking my symptoms with medication and not truly healing.

I am so desperate to erase this ex from my mind and heart, but now that I am soon to hit the 2 year mark of our final separation and my symptoms have gotten worse, not better, I am truly afraid that I will have to live with these obsessions and regrets for the rest of my life. I am just as shocked and disappointed with myself as others seem to be that someone who should have so little effect on me has had such a negative destructive one. I am certain he never thinks of me, and when he does, it is relief I am gone. And yet here I am, still daydreaming about the moments we spent together, and how happy I felt. How I destroyed this, or maybe indirectly, my mother did by contributing to my insecurities and core wounds that eventually caused the relationship to end. In fact, that ex asked me many times to limit my interaction with my parents for the very reason that he could see the negative impact on me, but I didn’t listen. I was too set at the time on being the perfect, dutiful daughter. And now, I feel I have lost my chance at a happy, fulfilling relationship.

I have tried online dating again, but I cannot find a single person I am even slightly attracted to, not like the ex of 2 years ago. I miss the attraction I felt towards him, his easy going and positive nature, and that we were able to communicate to one another so openly. I have not found that in any man since, and I am starting to doubt it is out there anymore. I think the fact that he is still dating the girl he left me for 2 years ago and that they are seemingly very happy on social media is a testament to the quality of a partner he had. I simply brought out the worst in him with my constant insecurities and jealousness.

My days now are filled with getting by. I do well with my business and my clients improve and refer me to friends and family, I continue to try to mend friendships and even my current relationship which I believe will turn into a friendship, but I feel empty inside. I am not excited or hopeful for my future, but I am able to move forward in it. I believe my past held better days, and I try to treasure what I had and those experiences as much as possible, rather than focus on the sadness that they are now gone. I feel ridiculous feeling this way though, as I know from the outside I seem to have a very blessed and fortunate life. I wish I could feel this, but I simply don’t. I miss my past, and I miss not taking my opportunity to set boundaries with my parents (specifically my mother) when I had the chance with my ex 2 years ago. That being said, she was going through cancer treatment, and it was at the time a miracle she even survived past the 6 month mark. I truly believe that to this day, had she not gotten sick, I would have implimented these boundaries sooner, and perhaps that ex and I would still be happily together.

Hi Anita,

I started answering your questions about contacting him, but in doing so I realized how ridiculous an idea it really is. I suppose in my mind, I was grasping at the hope that if I just called him, confronted him with how I felt, and then hung up, I would somehow magically have a weight lifted from me and finally be able to move on with my life. But I think this is just a fantasy, and I think more likely a) he wouldn’t pick up, and b) it wouldn’t change anything as you said even if he did.

When I think about the past with him, I am most upset that I didn’t stand up for myself throughout the relationship, that I didn’t stick with it whenever I tried to leave due to his poor treatment of me.  This I have a hard time equating with the relationship with my mother, as with what happened with her, I was a child, helpless to stand up for myself or leave. This situation was different, I was a grown adult and more than capable of removing myself from such a toxic dynamic, but I didn’t. I suppose the true anger and frustration I feel is with myself, not even him.

My mother sent me a text today that said: “You are constantly on my mind–I feel so helpless to help. I love you so much. Right now your happiness is paramount in our life.” I simply said thank you and that I loved them as well. I don’t know what else to say in these moments, I feel starting an argument or attempting to address my concerns with her simply causes more problems for me, and does not ever provide me with any closure.

I see your points, Anita, about how it seems my brain is projecting past issues with my mother onto the previous ex. But at the same time, it doesn’t feel like that’s all that there is. For instance, I was physically attracted to this person, obviously, I was never physically attracted to my mother. I saw this person as a partner that would bring me happiness in the long term, if only he had committed to me. He asked me multiple times to let him take his time, to not “push” him into a relationship with me, but I did not listen. It seems like his current partner does, she and he have never posted a picture together in their 2 years of being together. I suppose she respected his privacy and need for time whereas I did not.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your last message, this really helps me to forgive myself. I’ve noticed the last few days something about the last interaction I had with this ex has been upsetting me. Actually, a few things. I remember the very last time I saw him, we had arranged to meet for lunch for him to return some items of mine from his home. I thought of this lunch as a final goodbye, and finally an opportunity to speak up for myself and tell him how I felt about how he handled things between us, specifically how he treated me near the end and how he began dating his new partner while still seeing me.

However, he ended up inviting his male colleague to join us for lunch without telling me, and I never had the opportunity after all to confront him. I tried again a few months later over the phone, however, I found myself locking up, and in the end, I never did. I simply wished him well. About a year after that, around April of 2018, I sent him a strange Facebook message where I apologized, rather than asking him to, or expressing how I felt about everything. To this day, I’m not exactly sure why I did this. I know I had just taken my medication for ADHD which often made me hyper and a little impulsive (I no longer take it) and I remember my current partner encouraging me to do so. He says at the time he really thought it would help me gain closure for myself, and put the past in the past once and for all. However, the ex I’m referring to instead read this apology, and rather than reply or even just ignoring it, he blocked me. I have found ever since that it is a sore spot for me, that after everything I had done for this ex, all the pain I endured from his behaviour, that this was the last “interaction” I ever had. Him and his current partner blocking me. I understand what this means, that he never wants to speak to me again. However, I feel silenced once and for all, that I never was able to voice my truth to him, to call him out on any of his cruel behaviours to me. Instead, I let him believe I was the one in the wrong, the one needing to apologize. I have no idea what I was thinking, why I put myself out there to be hurt and rejected once again by this person after so much time had passed.

These days, I waver back and forth over if I should contact him one more if only to say my piece. I know no matter what he will never apologize, and I will never get any acknowledgement on his part of the pain he caused me, but I feel I have done a disservice to myself to have never spoken up for myself to him. Do you think it is possible for me to forgive myself for this if I don’t ever speak up? It has been almost a year now, and although I believe I have finally put the relationship behind me, it is the ending and that once again I didn’t have my own back that is upsetting me. Of all the things I regret about that past relationship, including that horrible night that I lashed out at him, it is this apology I sent a year ago that I regret the most. I wish I had thought about it more, and had not sent it. In fact, most of it was copied and pasted from an apology I wrote to my first ex, the one I lived with for years. He actually deserved that apology, whereas the ex I sent it to a year ago never did in my opinion, as I had apologized already many times in the past. I believe in many ways I was hoping if I apologized, perhaps he would have to. However, he did not, and if anything further opened the wound.

Hi Anita,

Thank you again for your helpful advice. I’m saddened to report that I dreamt of this ex of 2 years ago again last night. Once again, he apologized, and wanted to be with me. I am starting to realize what this common dream symbolizes, rather than it being what I actually want. The ex in my dream is not the real person, he is much kinder and mature. He gives me closure. I think in some ways, I will always be wanting this closure/validation from him and my mother, but I know deep down that neither are able or willing to give it to me, at least in the way I want.

It looks like I must restart the 6 month clock, as I told my partner about this dream and how upset I was having it since I truly thought I put this person and this relationship to rest. He was very kind and reassuring about it, perhaps there why I told him so much of this ex before. He really wants me to be over it, for me. I can tell it’s not selfish, it’s not for him or us he does this, it’s really for me and to try to stop my suffering. I feel very loved when he tries to reassure me, perhaps subconsciously I crave this feeling of love from him.

But you are right, I need to put this behind me and I definitely should not burden my partner with it. We will see how the next 6 months goes. It’s diffucult for me to not know what the future holds, to be able to plan ahead, but perhaps I’m being taught patience and faith in this process.

Hi Anita,

Thank you again for your reply, I will definitely take your advice.

About my current relationship, do you think what you describe (his emotionally unhealthy behaviour) is the culprit for my lack of physical attraction towards him? Or is it my own individual issues or perhaps both? I want to figure this out, but I just don’t know how.

Ps. As an update, my current partner has totally apologized for losing his temper the last time we argued, and has totally retracted saying he wanted to break up. He wants us to be able to be open and honest with one another on if we believe we can make this relationship work for the long term.

To be honest, I’m not even sure what is best for me now anymore. I love him dearly, I trust him completely to be faithful, and I am comfortable with him. That being said, I don’t feel very attracted to him, but I am terrified this more due to my emotional issues from childhoood than anything else (or maybe it’s that AND I’m still not attracted to him?) but I just don’t know. He’s an attractive man, I can say that for sure, but I don’t know if the attraction I felt with others (read: emotionally unavailable) will ever come.