You deserve better. Find someone who cares about you and not your father´s problem.

What i learned – it´s not enough if only one person is willing to put in the work. You dodged a bullet there probably.

There´s no point asking yourself why he has no backbone. Its only important that he wasted your time. Something you wont get back. Learn from it and be diligent the next time you choose someone for courting.

Dear Jade,

it seems to me that being truthful is important to you and i´m behind you on that. It´s one thing to lie about little things but lying about a relationship is a whole different level. In the end the decision lies with you whether you think you can forgive and trust him or you cant. Because let´s be straight if you cant forgive and trust him this relationship is a lost cause.
In my circle of friends i had only one friend with a similiar situation to yours who decided to forgive and who is happily married now. The majority (including me) ended up less lucky. You know the man you love.So if you can find it in your heart to forgive him and give him a chance – that´s your answer. But if you can´t that´s fine too. You have loved once and you will love again.
I wish you all the best *big hug*. 加油！

Lakra

Dear dijadei,

I think first of all because you´re unsure about your relationship you´re starting to have doubts about yourself – even trying to change yourself. The fact is he fell in love with you the way you were – so there´s no need to change who you are just to keep him with you (it´s also not honest to yourself).
You´ve changed your attitude and that´s why he became unsure and insecure as well.I´m not excusing him lying to you or hiding things from you here. There´s the reason why you changed but you should also ask yourself why am i so scared? Did you have relationships before? Then you should know even if this one doesn’t work out (i know it sounds harsh) the next one just might if i learn from this.
For yourself first and foremost you need to keep your anxiety in check. Secondly like anita suggested have a good calm talk with him. If he doesn’t want to be with you then you have to accept that and move on. You´re smart and beautiful and your should never have to convince anyone of that.
Yes you made mistakes but so did he. Either you both work things out if you think it´s worth it – or you both move on.

Hey JVR – first of all *hugs* .
I think it´s great you´re starting to realize that you want to be more true to yourself. I´m trying the same at the moment.
I think in all relationships we have to compromise sometimes. But if you´re the only one compromising, giving all of you – what is left for yourself? There´s a huge difference between being nice and being a doormat.
And do you really want to keep people like that in your life if they punish you simply for refusing them every now and then?
When I started saying no it created conflicts and i wont lie to you. I´ve lost some people i considered friends over that. I´m left now with a smaller group of people. But those are the ones that hopefully like me for the person I am and not because of the things i do for them. I wish you all the best of luck. You´re on the right path 🙂

I think you know already what to do. That this relationship is anything but healthy for you. He´s destroying you. Mentally and physically abusing you.You´re not stupid – you know that a real partner who cares for your well being wouldnt keep you from your friends, family and dreams. Imagine you would have to spend the rest of your life like this. Trapped. Always afraid of what he´s gonna do next. Always asking permission for everything you do. That´s not love or even friendship. He´s treating you worse than a dog. You´re his freaking doormat.
Dont let him treat you like that. You´re better than this.

This is my advice:

You need to LEAVE HIM as soon as possible.You have a mother that´s supporting you. You´re not alone. You´re still young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don´t tell him anything. Just call your mom to pick you up – pack your things and go. Leave him a note if you that will give you closure but then NEVER contact him again. Ever.

You´re afraid to get away from him because he´s been your first and its scary to have the possibility to never date again – but seriously i´d prefer being alone living my life to a life where i have to watch my every step and ask for permission for everything i do. It´s not love what he´s doing it´s sick and twisted. What you´re feeling isn´t love either. You´re depending on him but love is based on two people having their own seperate fulfilling lives who add to each other lives as equal partners. A partner isnt there to fill your hole of loneliness. That´s something you need to fix on your own. It shows you´re insecure and unhappy with yourself and rely on someone else to fill that gap. That´s not what you should do – hand your happiness over to another person because a) you´re giving away too much power to someone and b) even for a normal person it´s too much responsibility and a strain to constantly take care of someone else´s happiness. Even a normal healthy relationship will fall apart like that.
And you need to treat yourself better too. It´s your life. You deserve better.For yourself. If you can you should get professional help. But first you need to move out girl. Your life isn´t hopeless – you just haven´t started it yet.

My first bf later husband was also older than me. (7 years). I was just the same. It never gets better. It only gets worse. I was afraid too to be on my own. The world outside was scary for me. Cause i had just left my home and shortly after went straight into that relationship. I got insulted. Hit. I felt like shit. You think it´s just an accident but it becomes the regular treatment.Over time you dont even realise anymore how badly they treat you. At some point nothing you do is good enough no matter how hard you try. I was so afraid – writing on forums, blogs…. venting looking for help….eventually i got to the point where it would have been him or me cause i just wanted it to end. I decided to choose myself. Eventually i got out. It took me years to get over the abuse. I couldnt even talk about it with most of my friends and family. It screwed up my studies, I´ve lost many friends cause he kept me too from seeing them.But now i live on my own with a flatmate. I take care of everything myself (it took me a while). I picked up my studies again.I´m not gonna say it will be easy – or that sometimes there wont be days where you just want to hide under your covers and cry – but it´s worth it believe me and its possible.

I dont know you but reading your story resonated with me. I´ll check if you have replied to my comment. There´s not much i can give you other than you can do it. You need to want it for yourself. To feel better you need to remove this toxic person from your life. If i could manage on my own so can you. There´s something better out there but that guy you´re with he´s blocking you from it. So please take up all the courage you have left, pack your things and go. Start a new life…in little steps day by day and you´ll be fine.

Ps. Please get in touch with : https://www.domesticshelters.org/

If I were you I´d ask myself…do I want to be with someone who treats me like this? If your best friend would be in your situation how would you advise her?

I know it´s hard to break out of that cycle…I´ve been there I´ve done that. So I´m letting you in on a secret :…You´ll be fine without him.Believe me.

In my opinion stop contacting him. Stop spending time with him. Go out do things for yourself with your friends and family. Exercise or start a new hobby. Keep yourself busy and you´ll see you dont need a man to make you happy. You´re a great person. Dont waste it on someone who according to what you´ve written down here doesnt care about you. Find someone who respects you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
He acts like an immature brat. You said no to his advances yet he kept pushing you into that direction everytime he felt like it and when he doesnt he gets angry and mean.
Is this what love or even friendship is supposed to be like in your eyes?

You cant have a mature relationship with a kid like that. If he cant wait for you he doesnt love you. Why would you want to waste your precious time on someone like that?
He wants you as a f*ck buddy (excuse my language) and he wants to own you like a pet or a toy. He doesnt want to see you happy in your life with someone else.

It´s not love from his side. You are afraid of being alone and that´s the whole problem. You´re 21. Heck you´ve got so much time still to find someone who truly cares for you. So please wake up. Dont waste your feelings anymore. Unless you want to stay in a one-sided relationship and be mistreated.

Picasso said : “There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.” It´s your choice what you want to be Casey.

Best of luck.