Thank you so much for both your replies! It means a lot to me as I don’t feel comfortable talking about this stuff to anyone. Yeh I’d say I hate feeling of looking vulnerable in this way. You are right Tee, so very spot on. I play it cool because I have been pretty damaged in the past…now it’s almost like I’m not sure what I want because that fear overtakes me. It’s like I will only let myself go there if I’m 100 per cent sure I’m safe…but that can never be gareenteed. I know this prob comes down to my ability to know ill be OK regardless of others. I’m protecting myself constantly but I’m not really living fully.

Thank you so much for responding both of you, it’s so greatly appreciated! I went to work today and it seemed people were pretty nice and said I was funny and did this and that but they weren’t major things. Seems quite a few people there were also a bit over the top! I will continue to obsess about this for a few more days but it will die down.

It is truly kind of sad that I do think people think about me that much…almost narracistic or something…I always assume they think the worst of me. I am really battling with my self esteem, seeing a therapist, exercising, meditating and forcing myself to be more social but I just can’t seem to be a normal healthy adult.

Anita that is how I feel 100 per cent of the time. I control everything so tightly inside myself that I can’t be myself around others. I just agree with people and don’t say much. God I wish I could just let loose and be me. I am 35 years old and still feel like a child compared to my peers. I keep wondering when I’m ever going to grow up into this strong woman that doesn’t care what others think. I’m hoping it comes with age but something tells me it takes a lot of work! Do you guys have any suggestions on things I could do to get more confident and say to hell with them? I feel so tightly wound all of the time and all eyes are on me waiting for me to show weakness.