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Unsure where I stand

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  • #417690
    Lealea
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: center;”>I’ve been seeing this guy and guess I must like him but am playing it casual. He appears to try and make plans to see me often and has said that he really likes me. However when we first met he mentioned how women always seem to want to have relationships, so I figured he’s looking for a casual set up. Anyway then he brought up being exclusive, that he would be if I wanted that. I was kind of shocked as I thought things were casual. I told him to do whatever he felt he needed to. I did say I don’t have time to see others. So maybe I’m giving him mixed msgs. I just feel like I’m not sure what he wants. No doubt I should ask to clarify but I’m pretty reserved. The other thing is a lot of his talk towards me is pretty sexual so leads me to think that’s all he’s chasing but then he will say something that confuses me. Anyway sorry to be all over the place but I’m thinking if I want a more serious relationship then I should cut things off with him. Thank you in advance if anyone has any input!</p>

    #417694
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Lealea

    I guess most relationships start of casual ( except possibly arranged marriages).

    This man appears to enjoy your company ( & you his?).  He  asked about a change in the nature of your relationship from casual to exclusive and unless he is going down the avenue of coercive & controlling behavior means that he was open & vulnerable, which seems is quite a brave thing.

    #417695
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Lealea,

    my impression is that you don’t want to be hurt by him. That’s why you are “playing it casual”, even though you might want something more serious? But his initial comment (“women always seem to want to have relationships”) was pretty alarming and potentially revealed someone who doesn’t want a committed relationship. That’s why you’ve put up your guard and are pretending to be casual too. At least this is my impression.

    So maybe I’m giving him mixed msgs. I just feel like I’m not sure what he wants. No doubt I should ask to clarify but I’m pretty reserved.

    It seems you’re both sending each other mixed messages… Neither of you wants to be hurt by the other, it seems, or wants to appear too vulnerable or needy. He told you he’d like to be exclusive and he wants to spend a lot of time with you. You were like “yah, do whatever you feel you need”. As a reaction, he maybe says something which sounds like objectifying women (“his talk towards me is pretty sexual“), perhaps to appear tough and not needy? And then you conclude that he’s just after sex. Even though he also says other stuff that reveal different intentions (but then he will say something that confuses me).

    It seems like neither of you is really admitting what you feel for the other, or what you want from the relationship. His every expression of vulnerability – when met with your feigned “indifference” – is probably followed by a feigned sexism. Which then is a proof to you that he might be superficial, when in reality, he is probably not. And so it goes, round and round….

    I’m thinking if I want a more serious relationship then I should cut things off with him

    Well, I think you’d need to clarify it with yourself first if you want a more serious relationship. Because it could be that you’ve been hurt in the past (I took the liberty of taking a look at your previous threads, although maybe I drew some false conclusions from it), and you’re afraid to be hurt again. And so you play it “safe”, by playing it casual. But it’s not really fulfilling…

    This guy perhaps has the potential to have a deeper relationship, so I am not sure you’d need to cut things off with him. But you’d need to clarify it with yourself first…

     

    #417715
    Lealea
    Participant

    Thank you so much for both your replies! It means a lot to me as I don’t feel comfortable talking about this stuff to anyone. Yeh I’d say I hate feeling of looking vulnerable in this way. You are right Tee, so very spot on. I play it cool because I have been pretty damaged in the past…now it’s almost like I’m not sure what I want because that fear overtakes me. It’s like I will only let myself go there if I’m 100 per cent sure I’m safe…but that can never be gareenteed. I know this prob comes down to my ability to know ill be OK regardless of others. I’m protecting myself constantly but I’m not really living fully.

    #417717
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Lealea,

    you’re very welcome!

    I play it cool because I have been pretty damaged in the past…

    if you want to talk about it, please do. If I understood it right from your previous thread, you were in a serious relationship 3 years ago, and you were planning to get married (you even bought the ring). But I guess something happened and it didn’t work out? If you want to talk about it, I am here…

    I know this prob comes down to my ability to know ill be OK regardless of others.

    Yeah, we don’t want to get hurt, because we feel it will take us down and we’ll never recover. I guess we lack emotional resilience, which is exactly what you said: being OK, feeling good about ourselves, regardless of others. So even if he turns out to be a j*rk, we won’t be destroyed, we can bounce back pretty easily. Also, we recognize red flags on time and don’t allow to be abused or manipulated for long.

     

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