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Lilbuddha

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)
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  • in reply to: Intimidation, a first for me #51087
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    Lily,

    I came back and read all through the additional postings, and your description of his refusal to grow-up and contradiction are exactly like my ex. I actually got tickled, because it describes him perfectly. I tried to befriend him again recently, and it didn’t go well. He has himself on a pedestal, blind to his own contradictions, which revokes his capacity for something as silly as humility. The bad thing about that is, he preaches his life “expertise” on YouTube to a rather large following. I am concerned for the people that take him seriously, and want to make him their “guru”. I guess I have “preacher’s daughter” syndrome, where I know him too well to believe him.

    I’m struggling here too, because I think we are all like that to a certain extent (contradictive, blind to ourselves). And I think we create our own pedestal when we start judging another person to knock them off of theirs’. I’ve caught myself in that rut, because he hurt me. Still, when I look in the mirror, I realize I am just as contradictive and blind in my own way. This acknowledgment helps me to be more compassionate as opposed to judgmental, and I think you’ve acknowledged the same in your love of the complexities iof human nature that help to teach us and grow.

    So, the sharing of your experience with us has ultimately helped me to sort-out my own head and regain a healthier perspective. Amazing how life works! Anyway, thank you for sharing, and thank you for the help in growth. :0)

    in reply to: Judgementally Yours #51070
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    I know exactly how you feel. It’s frustrating to work so hard, and watch others slack-off. You have an excellent work ethic, and that’s great! But you can’t expect everyone to live-up to your high standards. You know that. I recently had a similar chat about this with an old friend. This all comes down to your expectations. You have high expectations of yourself, and others as a result. I’ve struggled with similar issues. I think the only way to handle this is to accept that in one way or another, you are flawed, too., and other people have to deal with those flaws. As with your judgement issues, maybe that makes you unpleasant to work with? I don’t know, but I can’t imagine it’s be too nice to work with someone scouring in resent at me because they’ve chosen to take on my work, too. Whatever your flaws are, rest assure … You have them. We all do. Remaining mindful that others have to tolerate something about you, sort-of kicks yourself off of your own pedestal.

    That sounds bad, but the intention here is to demonstrate the significance of humility. The main thing is you recognize it’s a problem, and want to resolve it. You’re setting yourself for perpetual disappointment, because no matter where you go or what you do….you will find more of the same. Stephen Hawking said something along the lines of, “it’s all right to make mistakes, without them we would not exist”. It was the imperfect aftermath of the Big Bang that lead to our existence, so he was speaking in very real terms of scientific study – not Confucius-like philosophy.

    So, go easy on yourself, first. Once you’ve mastered that, than you can go easier on others. This has everything to do with you. Learn to laugh at how silly we become when we take things so seriously. Imagine a check-out girl acting as if she doesn’t get all the lipstick stocked behind the shelf in five minutes the world would end, and takes it out on her co-workers for not being the same. It’s silly. Instead, it’s much more fun to make it a game….life is very much a game.

    I hope this helps.

    in reply to: Fear of Hell #51065
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    I feel the need to add this… A lot of people chase spirituality in hopes of rescuing themselves from poor choices. This a predominant selling of Christianity, where they advertise getting “saved”. It takes away personal accountability for changing, and places it on the hands of something greater. You said, “it wasn’t long till I was back to my old ways,” as if you though you had hoped the church would save you. You’ve got to save yourself, Hon, and maintain self-accountability without self-defeatism and self-abuse. As for hell, as in fire, brimstone, and satan with a pitchfork? That’s like worrying about Santa popping down the chimney and leaving coals in your stocking. It ain’t gonna happen. The belief in Santa keeps department stores rolling in money come December, and hell is the fairy story of a church needing to keep the tithes coming in.

    in reply to: Fear of Hell #51064
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    So much of what we perceive as “biblical” isn’t biblical at all, it’s the history we’ve learned as fact from whoever was the dominant church in our lives or households – not that I place much more significance on the bible itself. Still, the word “hell” is only mentioned around 50 times, so few as to make it an afterthought in such a massive book. The church has spent centuries mastering and profiting off of two arts: guilt and fear. It’s no wonder you were unable to eliminate either as a “born-again Christian”. Even if you were to behave as the perfect model of Christian faith, you’d still have the fear of hell biting at your ankles…if for no other reason than the occasional curiosity and doubt that’s a very human characteristic.

    As for the abortions, the decisions have already been made, and I think the way you allow those choices to haunt you is hell enough for one lifetime. My point here isn’t to get into a moral debate or judgmental analysis. But from a karmic standpoint, you’ve made your bed and your lying in it. In the same way that someone who over-indulges in food or cigarettes, makes their bed and lives with the consequences of poor health. What’s done can’t be undone, but you can choose a healthier way of living. Contraception might be a good thing to stock-up on, or maybe you need to check into having your tubes tied…if you don’t want kids. I say that only because, after the first, there came a second, which you now have double the worry to contend with. You don’t want a third. And depending on the particular brand of faith in your Christian background, contraception may not have been allowed.

    If you’re afraid of hell, then there’s no sense in rushing to get there through some desire to punish yourself via suicide. The Christian faith would never teach you that what those actions were for the best, but maybe they were? Many people have kids that have no business having them, and all too often they birth because of their own fears of hell and church guilt. That doesn’t make them good parents or role model citizens of holiness.

    So, let it go with an attitude of changing the behaviors that keep putting you in this predicament. Beating yourself up over it, isn’t doing you any good and it won’t change the past. Might as well move forward a little wiser, and use that wisdom to live happier.

    I hope this helps :0)

    in reply to: I can't get over the books I left behind when I moved #51063
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    I think you’ve already done an exquisite job of explaining yourself and the tie that binds you to those books. You know those books aren’t people, but throughout your life they’ve comforted you as if they were a best friend or parent. You spent a lifetime building a collection you loved and many were gifts from people you have loved. I can’t imagine how difficult that would be to part with…. But still, when the time came you did what you had to do. I’m a bit of a collector myself. I, too, am an only child with no kids of my own. And I, too, attach emotional significance to objects. So, I understand, believe me I do! :

    We attach memories to objects, but they are not the memory. You still have your memories of those stories and of the precious moments those books were given as gifts. You haven’t let go of the comfort they’ve provided you. You’ve merely let go of their physical presence, which was a necessity – not a dismissal to their impact on your life, or a dismissal to the wonderful people who gave them to you. You will always have those moments in your heart, so they don’t need to collect dust on a shelf.

    You already know that, and knew it when you parted with them. You’re confronted with many new things in moving, and you’re going through a period of adjustment. You no longer have the stress of the actual move to keep you occupied, but you’re still confronted with the major changes that you’ve made in your life. It’s natural to want to reach-out to the things that have always brought you comfort and miss them.

    in reply to: The lack of drive to do anything #51058
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    Sounds to me like you’re in a “why should I bother” slump, and that’s okay! There’s nothing wrong with not feeling peppy or excited, but strive to realize it’s just a slump without giving yourself too many labels like “cynic” or listening to the labels of others like “drama queen”. Don’t allow those words to take root and nest as definers of who you are. It’s good to acknowledge attitudes for what they are….attitudes…they’re not the whole that encompasses you.

    At the same time recognize being in a slump isn’t a joy for you, so you can’t expect others to find it joyful. It’s the nature of people to want to make ourselves and others feel better with motivational activities and advice, but being in a slump means that you’re not wanting or feeling the urge to be motivated. That can be difficult to understand for others, and frustrating for you too.

    Just own being in a slump, and if others approach you with their motivational advice, just say….”I’m good with festering here for a while, thanks”. People won’t understand it and don’t have to. The important thing is that you’re owning how you feel without judgment, and when you get tired of feeling that way…those feeling will change. That won’t happen until you decide, “Hey, going for a walk sounds like fun.”

    In the meantime, here’s a smile of acceptance from a listening ear… :0)

    in reply to: Bad beginning, better ending? #51047
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    You need to change the dialog in your mind that says his beginning rule had something to do with you – and only you- in the first place. Maybe he didn’t think himself capable of handling a serious relationship, or didn’t want to fall in love with anyone at that time? Maybe he is naturally a sensitive guy and used the rule as a way of scaring any chance for love away, because HE didn’t want to get hurt? Maybe it wasn’t the right time for either of you, and destiny stepped-in? Then, a while later, when his guard was down and the timing was right – you came along again and knocked his socks off. :0). Maybe he was impressed by your previously displayed confidence and refusal to accept less than what you felt you deserved in a relationship?

    There’s all kinds of maybes out there that have nothing to do with “I must’ve sucked before” (pardon the bluntness). The point is, you have charmed him now., so you must be pretty terrific to have knocked his wall down. That’s something you should give yourself credit for, not beat yourself up over! :0)

    Sometimes we just need to change our perceptions of ourselves and others. I imagine whatever his I initial motive was for creating rules, it had little to do with you. Go easy on yourself. :0)

    in reply to: Intimidation, a first for me #51033
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    Also, I want to add…memm (no offense) sounds a little judgmental. You slept with him, because you were charmed by his carefree way and undoubtably charming personality (apparently charming, cause he gets lots of women). You realized you hadn’t been adventurous and wanted an adventure in that moment. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s YOUR life, and your decision.

    in reply to: Intimidation, a first for me #51032
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    You were intimidated, because you are “the good girl”. His free spirit enabled him to experience a variety of things you found exciting and invigorating – not repulsive as in peer pressure scenarios. So, as you laughed and shared his stories, you became mesmerized by him,and was made to acknowledge you had nothing equivalent (no thrills and spills) to share. Something you hadn’t noticed in your previous contentment with normalcy. That became apparent, when he suddenly asked, “So…. What about you?”

    It’s like someone saying, “Last week, I climbed Mount Everest, mined for sapphires in India, dined with an Amazonian tribe in traditional regalia, and developed a whole new understanding of physics that enabled me to travel back in time and dance with the Queen of Sheba.” And your only reply is, “Well, last week, I went to Walmart and picked-up some new socks.”

    in reply to: Difficulty "Moving On" #51030
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    I tried to say “going”, not “fogging” … Lol . I’m on the ipad, gotta love spellcheck.

    in reply to: Difficulty "Moving On" #51029
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    Europe will be great for you. New sites and sounds to reinvigorate you, and get your engine excited again about new opportunities. I disagree with the rush out and find “new” love thing. This is one thing that drives me nuts in today’s society of convenience. We can rush out and get a new man, like we’re grabbing a burger. :0)

    I know you’re friends are well-meaning, but that’s a trap we like to rush into. It’s a quick and easy fix, which means it’s no fix at all.

    You sound so down about the idea of loving yourself, as if it’s such a depressing thought and futile effort. How great would it be for you to realize how amazing you are and what all you can offer yourself?!?! How great would it be to not need anyone else to make you feel fulfilled?!?! How great would it be to offer those you love -most especially yourself – something more than insecurity and the unhealthy behaviors that result from it?!?! :0)

    You only have to change your ideas of what’s important to you, and make you the priority. You’re worth it!

    You’re going through the dark phase that happens after break-ups, but “this too shall pass”. He is the past, and that’s the bed you need to let him RIP in. You have a whole new future ahead of you, and he’s chosen to not be apart of it. So be it. Can you do anything to change the situation by falling into a trap of self pity and insecurity? No. Can you do anything to change it by showing how you desperately miss him? No. If you did get him back, would you be happy? No, because he’s cheated. If you hang onto him, you hang onto a ghost – a relationship that doesn’t exist anymore. And it sounds to me like that’s a very good thing for you! A broken heart can’t heal, if it keeps jabbing itself with painful “what ifs” and replays of times gone by. Don’t beat yourself up.

    Give yourself a brief period to grieve, and then move-on. Focus on right now – not the future or the past. Don’t worry about healing, just give yourself new motivations and new interests with each new minute that passes by. Set goals for yourself, in regards to things you’re passionate about. Find things you love to do, and focus on doing them. Let yourself get to a place where you’re happy – even if it’s only for a moment, which gives your brain endorphins and other chemicals to change it’s way of thinking. Healing will come with time.

    As far as the guy goes, it’s going to be tough maintaining long-term relationships with anyone when you’re already married. I get that your best friends, and it’s financially feasible, but is that what you want to be locked into for a lifetime? If it is, then expect a lot of turnover in the boyfriend department, or guys who’ll feel okay about dabbling elsewhere , because you’re married. That marriage is a deprivation of growth for yourself and in relationships with other people. Ask yourself, “what kind of guy is fogging to happily date a married woman?” I think you’ve discovered the answer to that. You are effectively tied down by law, even if not by emotion.

    I know it’s tough, but you’ll get through this. Trust that belief and trust yourself. You’re capable of far more than you know right now, don’t let the slump get you down…it’s just a slump. And life’s a coaster…everything from here is high riding! ;0)

    in reply to: Being Listened To #51027
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    I really enjoyed reading your posting, Mark, and I heard you loud and clear. :0). I think your issue is very relatable in a self-obsessed culture. It’s great that you’re so giving of yourself in helpful assistance to others – even when they take you for granted and only care to talk about themselves. A lot of people aren’t self aware at all; they can’t escape the clutter in their minds that causes them to obsess over their own lives. You have the advantage of being more disciplined and caring. You can stop your own clutter to help in genuine interest of others, and acknowledgment of how that also helps you. What a great skill you’re mastering. :0)

    I know it ca get frustrating, and I don’t blame you for needing to vent. We all need to vent now and then, eh?

    Glad I could be someone who listened to you. :0)

    Laurie

    in reply to: am i paranoid or not seeing whats under my nose #51026
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    Also, when I say…making some changes… I mean, either changing your worry about the phone (which doesn’t look like that’ll happen after more than a year of this) or changing relationship status to single and seeking new opportunities. Trust yourself.

    in reply to: am i paranoid or not seeing whats under my nose #51025
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    I’m gonna chime in here, too. :0) I agree with Mark.

    It sounds like you’ve been in a rip-roaring frenzy over these phones – made worse by his secrecy. I know from personal experience in relationships how easily things can be manipulated, and you how easy it is to make yourself the bad guy. It’s one thing to constantly want to know what your partner is doing, being possessive and obsessive – not allowing them to have friends or their own life due to trust issues. It’s another thing to be curious about some weird and extremely private behavior with a couple of phones and SIM cards.

    Without him being half as upset as you, you would happily allow him access to your phone to ease his worried mind. Even if you were frustrated by the silliness of his request, you would respect and understand his curiosity. Does he respect your curiosity about his oddly private behavior with locking his phone, hiding SIM cards, and the like? Or, does he make you feel worse by calling you controlling?

    We are talking about mutual respect and boundaries, and if what you define as “respect” within the relationship is different from his… How’s that ever gonna work? You have trust issues, so he uses that as an excuse to keep hiding because he doesn’t want to be controlled? So, he keeps hiding, making you more “paranoid”, and round and round it goes for over a year now. That’s a vicious cycle that needs to be broken, Hon.

    Don’t beat yourself up for being curious, at the same time don’t beat him up for not wanting to share….it’s going to frustrate you both more. He knows it’s a real problem for you, and he either respects that and changes or he doesn’t and you have to change. There’s no right or wrong here… You just need to be honest with yourself about what you want, and what you define as being respected within the relationship. If he doesn’t give that to you, than it’s time to think about making some changes.

    Based on what you’ve said, that’s my advice. I hope it helps. Good luck!

    in reply to: I am never going to get over my ex-girlfriend #50979
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    There’s a consensus here, that first love is pretty intense. First off, accept that, but also accept that “never” getting over her, doesn’t mean never moving-on to other healthy, happy relationships. It’s unhealthy to obsess over past mistakes and “what-if” scenarios. In all that self-annihilation, we can caught-up in the guilt and over-romanticize the past as a result – not even that person could live-up to the myth we’ve created, if they did come back. You already acknowledge that, and that’s great!

    Realizing and accepting that will help to propel you forward. But, also, realize that propelling forward doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re ready to seek a new relationship, and that’s okay, too! I think too much emphasis is placed on finding love in another. Family and friends can be too pushy and expecting in that area. You’re your own person, and will heal in your own time. You should feel free to carry-on exploring yourself, and learning to love the guy you’ve spent the past few years beating-up. You’re not that person anymore, like your ex…you’re changing and growing, too. It may not seem like it to you, but that’s because your using her as a too,l of measurement. You’re advancing in your own way, but it is advancing….even if you can’t see it right now. :0)

    Understand, too, there’s a difference between loving someone and pining for a memory of happier times. That’s a memory, a phantom of the past that haunts you. It’s only real in terms of your inability to let go of the ghost. You are replaying memories as if it were your favorite movie, over and over and over, and wishing yourself into the film. It’s fruitless, so stop the rewind. There’s nothing in all that replay that will change where you are today, and you need to know and feel confident that you are exactly where you should be. You are on a journey to create new experiences and new memories with or without new women that’ll be just as rewarding. Just accept and allow it, without perpetually comparing it to your favorite. You will discover new favorites.

    Don’t dwell on ghosts, or worry about the future and where you are “supposed” to be in your healing.

    You’ll be all right. :0)

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)