Thanks again, anita.  I grew up in a very conservative, fundamentalist christian family with a single mom (my parents divorced when i was 3, never saw my dad).  My mom was extremely overbearing and I never really learned healthy boundaries (she would do things like read my journal without permission,  not let me hang out with friends I chose who she didnt like, etc.).  When I went to college she would call campus security if she didn’t hear from me after 2 days and felt like I could not establish independence.  I was honest with her post college that I date both men and women, but am usually more attracted to men.  We were at a joint therapy session when I told her this and she said she honestly didnt know if she wanted to have anything to do with me, has told me I am going to hell, etc.  She made racist comments about an ex boyfriend of mine who was not white, accused him (inaccurately) of stealing things from her house, etc., to the point where I greatly distanced myself from her and don’t discuss my personal life at all with her, even rarely talk to her on the phone. But she is financially dependent on me, she recently had a stroke, and I am the only person she has (though I live far away), so it is complicated.    It took years of therapy to get comfortable in my own skin (all through my 20s).

This therapy helped me recognize that my relationship with her / upbringing was not healthy, and also helped me recognize some patterns in my dating life.  I seem to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people who aren’t able / willing to give much.  And honestly, it tends to get worse as I get older… meaning the type of person I date tends to fall more into that category than ever.  Every person I date is worse.  The only thing that has gotten better is that these relationships are shorter because at some point (typically no longer than a year, this was a bit of an exception) I have learned to walk away. I say to myself, “oh, this pattern is repeating itself again.”  So it’s not that I don’t recognize the pattern (although maybe I do recognize it too late).  I go out on dates with people who seem kind, honest, loving, and willing to give more, and yet I feel ZERO attraction or chemistry with them.

Part of me wonders if I should just give up on the whole idea of love / passion / etc. and just be with the person who treats me the best, period….. but I don’t think I could ever be happy with not feeling that love / passion / chemistry.  I read about attachment styles and am pretty sure I have an anxious attachment style but have done a lot of work and been successful in becoming more secure over the years (at least compared to when I was in my 20s).  But I seem to only be attracted to people who are avoidant… and for the life of me, I don’t know how to change it.

Thanks so much for your reply anita.  I think what you say about him having issues with his mom, of some sort, make a lot of sense.   He is very sensitive about me saying anything about his mom (I mean basic neutral statements), always thought I was trying to attack her which couldn’t be further from the truth.  He also would tell her intimate details of our arguments and relationship,  and told me that she said I was manipulative and controlling, which is honestly another reason why I broke things off.  Because I felt strange about meeting her or trying to form a relationship after that, when it seemed that he had already pitted his mom and I against each other.  His father also died a few months after we started dating.

Maybe his mother is possessive, and he is projecting his anger about that on to me.