Thank you Anita, truly. I think you are right. Its just old habits, and religions, die very hard. For the most part in my life, becoming an atheist has been very freeing.

My main thing is remaining friends with him (he’s incredible and been so good to me) and putting my feelings on simmer. There’s nothing wrong with loving a friend, I certainly know that. But this is in love, big time. I know many of his bad habits, personality quirks and darkness. It changes nothing. He has very few other friends and little family he can rely on. he’s somewhat of a loner, very introverted and lonely at the same time. I’m in a relationship but feel very lonely (not a paradox when you know how it feels). I’m too old be the wife and mother he has said he eventually wants but concedes he may never have, given his personality (his words, not mine). There are 13 years between us, me being the older one. In these times that’s less of a problem than it used to be, but I am not by any means a MILF or cougar type, and neither of us are model types, just regular people. A lot in common with only a few differences (I am pansexual in my orientations, meaning I am attracted to a variety of types- both sexes, genderqueer, transgenders, etc and he probably wants a woman at least a few years younger than him if he wants to be a father, so it may be a singular difference but very important, I know.)

So I don’t know. Far as I do know my husband has not seen it in me. He used to read me well but has been under considerable stress with many things and I’m not a first priority anymore, and he has been less focused on me. So if he feels it, it frightens him and he will not confront it or he doesn’t notice at all. He stays out of my personal business far as my phone and emails, my circle of friends and such because of an incident many years ago where he violated my privacy in a terrible way and humiliated me deeply. Took a long time to get around and he promised he never would again, though I admit it still angers me and I’ve never dealt with it fully or gotten over it. But my conversations with my friend are not inappropriate, just personal. it would violate his privacy and dignity as well and I will not allow that to happen. My feelings haven’t seen the light of day and probably should not.