Hello Carrie Zag,

I have also had life-changing experiences, mine began (most notably) in 2013. I had a total mental breakdown and I was put on Cipralex. I gained a ton of weight, I didnt recognize myself anymore… Like total identity crisis — I lost myself. It sounds like you may have struggled with something similar, it sounds like you may have lost yourself in all of the messy details. For me, I still struggle. I grieve the person I used to be, I don’t know if I will ever fully get that back, it would be unfair to expect me to be the same person I was before all of my shit hit the fan. I know that people tell me all the time “Lindsay, you are so strong. I don’t know how you do it.” I just tell them that I don’t know — because I don’t feel strong. I used to be a competitive swimmer and sometimes I would have a terrible practice, I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere and I wasn’t meeting my goals and that my muscle tone wasn’t where it needed to be… But I kept going. At time trials though — I slayed it. I would beat my best time. All of those times in practice when I felt weak were just me building muscle so that when the time came I could flex them and qualify for meets. I don’t think you will ever be the same, or go back to being the way you used to be… Its not a bad thing. The good parts survive and move on. The anxiety you feel about your student loans is just a response that you are having to feeling like you might not be able to pay them because of a low paying job. When I am in my vortex of anxiety I always ask myself if I am safe at that very moment. If I can answer ‘yes’, then I know that my anxiety is misplaced. If I answer ‘no’, then something needs to change. Anxiety disorders are fucked and it isn’t you-yourself… The time in which we find ourselves is not synonymous with peace and prosperity. Most people right now are in survival mode. I think it is really great that you have an awareness about your current state and it is important to be able to reach out to the people who love you for support — I hope that you have that. I also have experience with loneliness and isolation and it is self-perpetuating — it is the worst when you feel alone with your thoughts and feelings. I hope that things get better for you and that you can somewhat feel like you know who you are , once more.