Hi Anita,

Thank you for your feedback. It’s very insightful and does shed some light on why he’s behaving the way he is.

To answer your questions:

1) Before we got together, my ex had two long-term relationships. His last girlfriend didn’t treat him very well. From what he told me, she went through a bad divorce and I guess she unloaded all her anger/frustration about it on him. It ended with her distancing herself from him, then cutting him off cold (eerily, the exact same thing he has done to me). I think this did have a big impact on his self-esteem as it was the first girl he had a sexual relationship with, and he developed serious feelings for her. I guess this may have had some sort of knock-on effect on our relationship and how he’s treated me. In terms of our relationship, including the intimate stuff (not to go into too much detail), it upsets me because I worked so hard on building his confidence and making him feel more relaxed and at ease with himself.

2) What your saying does make absolute sense and I guess rationalises his actions in some way. While we were going out, he did express some anxiety and insecurity about going it alone with his freelance career, but it was only towards the end of our trip that I saw the stress really show through. I guess now he’s actually doing it, the reality of “going it alone” is finally sinking in. What I don’t get though is why he dedicated so much time and energy into building our relationship, making all these commitments and assuring me that it wouldn’t affect our relationship, only to completely abandon it in the most cold, heartless way possible. I guess he didn’t anticipate it either. Do you think that, however many months down the line, once he’s gained some clarity and figured stuff out, he will want to reconnect with me? By then I worry it will be too late to salvage our relationship, and that any feelings he had for me will have faded. I personally don’t think “being friends” as he says, is a good idea.

3) It upsets me to think that he may have already moved on. For a guy he’s usually very open and expressive with his emotions (I guess you could say he’s in touch with his feminine side), which is why this whole situation has taken me completely by surprise. We had a slight hiccup a few months ago, and I was about to walk away – to which he broke down in tears and begged me not to end things. He said he would be an idiot if he let me go and could see a long-term future in our relationship. Thinking back over things like this makes the whole situation so much more painful.

* Question to you: do you know anything about his childhood, his relationship with his parents, past and present?

To answer your query re my ex’s relationship with his parents:

He has issues with low self-esteem and insecurity, which stem from his childhood. He had a difficult relationship with his dad, who was very demeaning towards him growing e.g. telling him he was stupid, which had a big impact on his confidence. They don’t talk to eachother anymore as his parents are now divorced and his dad has moved away. His mum, however, is great – the complete opposite of the father. She’s very outspoken and confident and has always been highly supportive of him and his ambitions. Incidentally, this is another thing we have in common – i.e. low self-confidence stemming from bad parental relationships. Similar to him, I grew up with a verbally abusive father who always demeaned me and my achievements – so I empathise completely with how he’s feeling and his need for space. I just don’t understand why he’s prepared to throw away our relationship, rather than just take a break.

In terms of romantic relationships, he was a late bloomer having grown up in a very (outwardly) religious family. This has also impacted his confidence when it comes to meeting women, hence why he had his first relationship at the age of 26.

I can attempt and answer your questions in the last paragraph, if you’d like. Let me know. Thoughts and feelings about my input so far?

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Lisa.