Hi Anita,

Thanks for replying so quickly. Even reading your reply brought back those haunting words and I felt prickly all over. You have asked me a question even I don’t know and still ask myself. Why does this haunt me so, especially when there was no such thing? 

The closest I can come to answering is it made me feel as thought it is happening. And the fact that I was considered like a disposable object and in such a low opinion felt like worms crawling all over. I didn’t then and still don’t understand what warranted such a low and disgusting opinion and atttiude towards me, especially when I have nothing but considered them in high regard and worked. I told myself many times just because he said that doesn’t mean that something like that was done to us. It that the other partner said anything like that to us. Then why? Frankly I don’t know. 

I don’t know what is being triggered. I have tried to think what it means to me and I don’t really know. I have not faced any such situations in the past. I have tried writing journals and letters to myself to get this out of my system but it comes up again. It is like it has anchored itself and keeps pulling me back. 

I resigned and that was the best decision I took. We were going to be asked to leave anyway. I don’t regret that. That person was very offensive and I know I am not responsible for his thinking and words. But I still feel why. What did I do to deserve this? I feel he should not have used this angle. And this whole using people and discarding them analogy was not required and it disgusts me that people think of women like objects without any feelings. 

I feel like doing something to set this right, but what? I don’t want to work there ever. I don’t want to see his face again. the other partner didn’t stand up for us. I expected at least something like don’t speak about my team like that or some thing else. 

anita, I just left then. I felt wronged. I didn’t do anything and yet I had leave my job. I couldn’t tell anyone anything. I had to listen to such vitriol about myself. I came to know really what kind of men I was working for so long. The thing that hurts the most maybe something I expected then is that no one stood up for us. The other partner didn’t immediately ask him to shut his filthy mouth. Didn’t ask him to leave us out of this. Or he himself didn’t say or do anything for us. Maybe that is th worst part, everyone went back to work as usual next day and I was left on my own and such garbage in my head.

 This disturbs me very deeply and I don’t know what I want. Do I want to hear an apology? Do I want my dignity back? Do I want to see that senior partner unhappy? I don’t know. I am waiting for something to set this right. I know it is over but in my head it lives and I don’t know what old emotion it is triggering. 

Littlered

Thank you so much for the insights and I am sorry to hear that you are in so much pain.

I will keep this in mind and not venture too far. I only want to calm my anxious fears.

Thanks once again.

Take care

Hi Anuenue,

I am glad that my share helped you. It can be really confusing at times why we behave the way we do and when we do get clarity, it really opens our eyes. Just like I found out my limitations as I have mentioned in my original post.

Take care 🙂

Why thank you so much! The fact that it was suggested by your GP actually helps! I will continue then with my meditation and hopefully it will be fine 🙂

Guess one must NOT google ‘spinning during meditation’ the moment it happens!!

Thank you once again.

Hi Anita,

I see what you mean by pretending and actually being something. So if I work towards releasing such patterns, automatically my habits will change and also I will attract good experiences. All of these work together. Hmmm, makes sense.

In fact today I started by resisting the urge to do something out of guilt and saw how that felt. I deliberately asked for a stapler and just took it. And immediately I was squirming inside and there were mixed emotions but I didn’t do anything. I acknowledged it and said it is ok I can have this and went about my work. It is a very small thing but what I felt inside is unexplainable. Like something loosened up. It is uncomfortable but I felt good. It is like saying to my mind, see? Nothing happened. I did this again and it feels like something inside is being challenged and it accepts this new thing too. I don’t know how to explain but I feel as if I am repaying a bill or my loan is reducing or something like that.

in my earlier thread you had advised me to start small and nothing convinces the mind than actual examples, on those lines. That is so true! I have been applying those and find it that old doubts can be subtly challenged when you give new examples. And that works in the above case too. So thanks once again!

i will keep you posted on my progress

Littlered

Hi anita,

Thank you so much for taking the time out and replying in such detail. It certainly helps to see someone understand and give practical advice rather than just say let it go or just relax or something else that is vague.

My struggle is that I can see how this has been limiting me, can see it no longer serves me and yet I can see it as a part of me, like it is very, very subtle in my behaviour, but if I pay attention, I can see it. I am almost amazed by it, how much the body remembers!

You mentioned above ‘The strong emotions are the glue that hold the thoughts in place’, how well put! I liked this a lot and can relate to it instantly. As if I can somehow change the emotions associated it into something better, automatically the pattern will dissolve into just stray thoughts and maybe one day pass. Hope!

I briefly looked into CBT now online and saw there are lot of materials available. I will go through in detail and apply it. Thanks for the advice once again, I have somewhere to begin now. I am still surprised at this though, I don’t have money issues now and yet my body behaves as if there is a lack in every area of my life. Guess the mind is really complex.

I will keep you updated of my progress on how I proceed on this one. This is really an important block for me to clear and I hope I can do it well. Also, I am not sure how you feel about the Law of Attraction, but recently I read a lot of things about it and if I were to make sense of things in that context, I feel I must start releasing this feeling of unworthiness/unable to receive and other related things to allow good in my life. I would really like to hear your thoughts on this too.

Thanks once again!

Littlered

Mind = Blown with this statement “your little power taken away until you have nothing left, and you stand there suffering, helpless.” This is the summary of my life! That is exactly what I am trying to convey with so many words. Tears are streaming down my face as I type as someone for the first time has actually understood the exact thing that I feel. Funny how my own blood relatives couldn’t see this. Take any situation in my life until now right from as recent as yesterday or as old as my memory can take me, these words will sum up each and every situation, big or small. This is exactly what I felt when I was giving you examples earlier, I have plenty more, with the things I have endured, I wouldn’t ever want to relive my childhood ever. I was looking at old photo albums last week and I saw that none of my pictures are smiling. I look like I am in some kind of physical pain. And the very same people tell me look how grumpy you were, never smiling. Why couldn’t you be a happy kid? I also got a lot of that hand gesture when I spoke where the palm is outstretched like stop.. Anyway, I digress.

So looking ahead now, I finally feel validated and acknowledged. Like I am allowed to feel these things. Like I matter too.

I am now going to take all your notes and sit with them and start slowly and very gently try to understand and apply these. I know a lot of feeling will come up and I know I am not lost anymore. I will update this post as I make progress.

Thank you once again for being there.

Littlered

Hi Anita, I read this twice just to digest it. Every word you wrote rings so true. I have been unconsciously freezing. That’s it! I often physically feel low on energy and most of the times I really feel tired to even think when faced with an obstacle and now I understand what it is. I used to wonder why don’t I get the energy or ideas to face them but now I know. And yes I accept that I no longer differentiate between things I can or cannot control. Somewhere I believe the world is out to get me. Learned helplessness, that’s what it is. And something that is learned can be unlearned too. I am gently trying to convince myself that things will go right for me too. I have started thinking about how I react and really noting where I felt helpless and what could I have done had I found the courage to act. I finally make sense of what my inner conflict is. The scars run deep and the emotions that rise are quite sad. But I have to overcome this and start living. One other thing, I found that my core belief that is very strong is bad things happen to me or if I hear something I automatically feel that out of this only harm will come to me or somehow I always expect bad news or bad stuff to happen to me. Any idea why? And how can I change this? I tried telling myself that is not true but it is more like instinct. And very strong. Would really like help with this.