David Bederman

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    David Bederman

    B.Bells, you sound like a kind and caring person. It’s not uncommon though to fall pray to manipulators, you certainly aren’t alone.
    the most useful advice i can give is based on what I discovered personally; it’s that when I’m unsure of myself, i tend to look for security in the clarity of others. If I’m not sure what to do, well, it’s safe to be around someone who is.
    What i’ve discovered though is that this behavior usually comes from a lack of beleif in myself. Working on building unshakable confidence and self-esteem will change the entire energy you radiate to the world. you won’t need to “keep” anyone at bay because you’ll stop “attracting” those kind of people into your life.
    A great first step to building more self-esteem is to accept when you’ve made a mistake and not get angry at yourself for doing it. Instead, give yourself the freedom to be human and let go of your mistakes accept yourself wholeheartedly.
    Next, spend some time imagining yourself doing things that are outside of your comfort zone, things you might be afraid or self-conscious of doing. Even just imagining yourself doing them builds self-esteem, but actually starting to do new some of them in real life will change how you see yourself.
    I beelvie that everything starts with self-esteem and I think you’ll be amazed at the new people you meet once you discover a little more of how awesome and how amazing you are.
    Tremendous success to you! You deserve to be surrounded by amazing people!!

    David Bederman

    Wow Annette – what a powerful story! One of the problems i think we face in our society is the image that we were designed to be, well, perfect. We often strive for perfection in what we do in life and often end up getting down on ourselves when we fall short of acheiving it.
    In truth though, many spritual disciplines stress that perfection is not “the way of this world”. Rather, this world is a staging-ground for constant growth and discovery. The illusion of perfection is, well, it’s an illusion, and many people chase it, unfulfilled, their entire lives.

    You’ve learned some hard lessons and they’ve brought you face to face with the daylight between your values (honesty, commitment and truth) and your actions/behavior (totally opposite to your values). Psychologist say that when weact against ourown inner beleifs, it actually destroys our self-esteem, often causin us to engage in more unhelathy behaviour.
    But this is no reason to get down on yourself. You are here to learn and grow and it sounds to me like you’ve learned a lot about who want and who you don’t want to be. Now you have the gift of being able to work toward becoming that person and creating the marriage that you really want to have.
    Even greater, you are blessed that you still have a marriage to work on and you’re solucky that this is your struggle and that no one else got hurt! What a blessing!!

    It obvious won’t be easy for you Annette, but getting down on yourself won’t help. Be honest with yourself. Accept the pain and loneliness you felt that originally drove you to seek external comforts in the first place and practice being accepting of yourself for your mistakes.

    As i mentioned above, many say that this world was created as a staging ground for im-perfection ie. as a place to experience the endless joy of growth and discovery. In line with that tradition, in fact your perfection lies in your carrying out that mission – never giving up and always striving to become better and bring more love and goodness into the world.
    Good luck to you Annette – we are here for you and we support you! Your work is to practice self-love and acceptance. Only when you accept your mistakes will you be able to grow from them.
    β€œNew Beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” Lao Tzu

    David Bederman

    Hi Norma. First off, you aren’t alone! I felt very similar for most of my life. While it may not be true in your situation, for me, I discovered that I was focusing so much on the needs of others as a cover for my own lack of beleif in myself.
    In short, after much work on building self-esteem, i discovered a tremendous power and energy for life I hadn’t ever known before. I know man people who’s personal identities are formed around providing for others, but their own sense of self-worth is quite low.
    Low self-esteem causes all of the symptoms you described and they are the same things i experienced for years without end.
    Finally, after hitting rock-bottom I began to study strategies of how to build self-esteem. It’s amazing, but everything fell into place from that.
    Self-esteem is the core of everything we do. The one thing the most successful people in the world share isn’t just that they have big ideas, it’s that they have a rock-solid belief in their ability to achieve their goals – whatever they may be!
    Wishing you tremendous success and joy in discovering how awesome and amazing your are Norma! I would say, time to invest in yourself in every way…you deserve it!!

    David Bederman

    The greatest benefit I received from learning Myers/Briggs and the Eneagram systems was that it helped see my “robotic” tendencies and thereby gave me a map through which to notice the limitations my personality was placing on me.
    I find that using these personality typing systems is a tremendous tool for helping us grow out of old patterns and learning to achieve new goals.
    Without these systems, many people stay locked in an invisible prison of personality, unable to notice their own habitual (and often times destructive, if not just limiting) patterns.
    They can be a tremendous tool for personal growth!
    (sorry, i didn’t really respond to the OP here. apologies)

    David Bederman

    Become Better Every Day
    Helping others is greatness πŸ™‚

    David Bederman

    Hi Eliza. Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry for your pain. It’s so great that you’re expressing it and sharing what you’ve been going through. After studying love, relationships and self-esteem for many years, the most valuable lesson I learned was the following:

    “You can’t love anyone until you learn to love yourself”

    One of the greatest challenges facing our generation is that many of us – most of us – have low self-esteem. We don’t believe in ourselves enough, we haven’t been tough to!. While love is a basic and fundamental need for all of us, many times the type of love we are looking from others is a way to validate our sense of self.

    In other words, if we have a low image of ourselves, what we might be “hanging on to” when longing for the warmth of an old relationship is actually the feeling of validation that “I’m actually lovable!”. So many of us have grown up without getting all the love we really needed and our inner child concludes that we “must not have been worthy of love”, since we didn’t get enough of it.
    This belief can follow us our entire lives if we don’t get control of it. I’m not trying to judge you and tell you you have “low self-esteem” here, I’m just speaking from my experience and sharing what has made a huge impact in my life.

    In short, the more we learn to believe in ourselves – believe in how wonderful, how amazing and how special we really are – the more we are able to <b>love</b> ourselves, the more we will create the space for meaningful and lasting relationship to happen and the less we will need to hang onto to memories of old relationships.

    Btw, learning to love yourself means building self-esteem. As author Nathaniel Brandon says -“Self-concept is destiny.”. He’s the one to read here. (Check him out)

    If you want, a great first step you can take to building self-esteem and self-love is to spend time every day imagining yourself doing something that’s “outside of your comfort zone”. Scientists have proven that the more we see ourselves doing things that are outside our comfort zone (both in our minds and in real life!) the more our self esteem grows.
    Try it. You’re awesome Eliza! (and so are you Kat!)

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