I just don’t know whether maybe it is my fault? When he does something that upsets me I lose my temper really badly, I think out of sheer frustration that something else is going wrong. I never used to be an angry or out of control person but nowadays all it takes is for him to not turn up to dinner when he knew I was cooking and I scream, shout, sweat, cry and tell him to leave me alone. Then he says that I’m mental and that no other woman would treat him like that so no wonder he takes time out from me.

Then when he leaves I blame myself and also just can’t get over this feeling of rejection. It’s consuming me. How can I have put 2 and a half years into someone and I’m totally disposable to them still? How can he go from wanting to marry me to never wanting to see me again. I know people say things they don’t mean in a fight, but he says he doesn’t want to be with me, then blocks me, misses plans with me, makes plans without me…how can he do that? Doesn’t he love me? How do I come to terms with the fact that someone I love so much doesn’t love me and seemingly never did.

I wish I had a group of friends that were in my situation but I don’t and it’s hard to make friends that are single and more available at my age because everyone is settling down and as such wants to do things with their partner and not me.

It’s so hard to cope knowing that there’s no one in the world who adores me and wants to spend their time with me over anyone else. Even my ‘best friends’ have boyfriends and do everything with their boyfriends. I’m never going to get girly holidays or day trips again because they all do that stuff with their men 🙁 And I guess I would too if I had one. I’m terrified this is my life now, single, childless, living in a flat alone, going to the gym and watching box sets with maybe 1 plan a month that’s out of the normal routine.