Thank you all for your responses and taking the time to digest my posts and coming back to me with your thoughts – I’ll take some time to digest everything over the next few days and process.

Apologies, I don’t mean to cause any offence. I don’t dispute that my mum is autistic, I just also believe that she has some behaviours that are not caused by her autism but perhaps by a co-existing personality disorder instead.

This is just based on my own experience and I definitely wouldn’t want to suggest that anyone with autism also has a personality disorder/is inherently narcissistic, or that her being abusive (at times) is caused by her autism.

I’m sure there are plenty of people with autism who do not behave as my Mum has, but I’m also aware there are aspects of her behaviour that can be attributed to her autism so I try to be as understanding as I can be.

It’s a complicated dynamic which I’m trying to learn more about and work through :).

Hi Anita and Alessa,

Thank you both very much for your responses, and for reading my post.

Thank you both you for sharing your experiences. I hope that my post was not too re-triggering or traumatic for you, and I appreciate you sharing your experiences and I’m really glad that you’re on your own healing paths now.

I feel like it’s taken me a really long time to get to this point of even considering that things can’t carry on as they are, or waking up to the reality of the situation. Previously, when things would happen, I would always make excuses for my involvement – telling myself that my Mum is vulnerable, could be easily taken advantage of, needs my protection, etc. I think I am slowly realising that this isn’t the case. And, if it is the case, it’s not my job to do this.

She’s done and said some really awful things to me over the years.

Where it finally hit me, during the most recent occasion, was that – I had helped her to resolve some conflict that she had been experiencing with her neighbours. We had gotten to the stage where the neighbours had agreed to contact me if there were any further issues, everything was okay – Mum was asked not to interact directly with them – and they were asked not to interact directly with her. Everyone agreed to this. Mum caught wind that one of her neighbours had emailed me, and she instigated a huge argument with them (despite them having been asked to reach out to me if any problems). The part that upset me was, when I was speaking to my Mum about it… I realised that she was actively lying to me on the phone about what had happened. She wouldn’t give me any straight answers, she kept changing her story and then when I asked her directly, she just glitched and said she didn’t want to talk about it anymore and put them phone down (despite having called me!)… and I suddenly just had this huge realisation (maybe a re-affirming of something I’ve always known!), that she lies to manipulate me into feeling a certain way and then draws me back in to helping her, but that when I push back, I am no use. It was like a lightbulb moment.

I also think she weaponises her autism when she wants to get me to do something/feel a certain way because she will frequently say things to me like: “I can’t lie because I am autistic.” or “Autistic people are incapable of lying.” I am not enough of an expert in neurodivergence to know whether or not this is the case, but I don’t think it’s true that people with autism are incapable of lying – maybe just that they would be less likely to do so as they wouldn’t understand why it was necessary to lie? (I’m also very conscious not to make general assumptions or statements about people with ASD as I know neurodivergence manifests differently for different people and, again, it’s not my area of expertise at all so I don’t want to sound like I am making any sweeping judgements.)

I think, for me, the nail in the coffin – this time – has been that my Mother has started reaching out to my husband directly, to tell him about things that have happened to her, asking him to intervene and support her in ways that I do not feel are appropriate at all and it’s been making me deeply uncomfortable. I’m also not comfortable with her feeling like my husband is accessible to her in this way… it’s just made me feel really weird and uneasy. Like, she was trying to take control of him and use him/our relationship as an extension of her too. The penny dropped – I don’t want my husband sucked into her vortex in any capacity, and any more than he already has been… so from here, I’ve decided that enough is enough and I really need to get a grip on this for the sake of my relationship, and for myself. I’ve asked him not to have any contact with her from now on (he is the kindest and most supportive person ever and I feel so lucky to have found him).

When I think about having no contact myself, where I always fall down is – not so much that I feel guilt that she would be sad about this, because I truthfully don’t think she would be upset in that way, because I just don’t think she’s capable of it, – it’s more the conditioning that, if something happens to her, it would be my fault or responsibility. That’s what I struggle to make peace with. I just have this little nagging voice in my head that’s constantly saying, ‘she’s in danger, if you don’t step in… something terrible will happen. She’ll die and it’ll be your fault’.

Additionally, there is a part of my brain that tells me that – if her behaviour is caused by her autism (I think aspects are/aspects aren’t), then that’s not her fault and so surely I should be more understanding and accommodating of this (though, I do think I’ve been as understanding as any person can be). Equally, if it is some kind of personality disorder…should I not be understanding of this too, because that’s also not her fault? Her brain is wired differently. But then I still end up abused – so, in either case, the outcome and the impact on me is the same. I go round and round in circles.

Also, truthfully, there is still the little inner child part of me that desperately wants a mother. Looking back, I think I got myself into this pattern of… if I just fix this one thing (and it was always one more thing), then MAYBE, just MAYBE, we can have a ‘normal’ mother/daughter relationship and everything will be okay. But, I’ve come to realise, there is never just one more thing, because I help to fix said thing and then, before you know it, a new drama, a new conflict has appeared. It is exhausting and quite sad – definitely a kind of grief for a relationship that can never exist. And, with your mother of all people, it’s just very sad.

Therapy-wise: YES, absolutely I need therapy 100%. I had been having therapy for the past year, however, my husband sadly lost his job in December 2024 so I had to stop for financial reasons. He now has a new job (phew!) and our mortgage costs are due to decrease in December, so I am planning to go back to it then. I did find it really helpful (though it was very Freud-based so I am not completely sure if it was the right style for me), and it helped me to gain a lot of perspective on the situation. I think, with all the trauma I have been through… it’s essential that I go to therapy. But, until December, I have to try to manage on my own which is the scary part! I really don’t know if I am strong enough. I wish I had a blueprint or a spreadsheet that I could follow!

Something you said in your reply, Anita, really struck me: “When asked in an ice cream shop which ice cream flavor I would like, I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know. My identity was that diminished.” THIS – absolutely this. I used to discuss in my therapy that, sometimes, I would be physically unwell – and I would worry that my manager at work wouldn’t believe me if I called in sick, or that I was actually making it up, because I was so used to having my own feelings and needs minimised, that I couldn’t even trust myself to know and accept when I was actually physically ill.

I can’t tell you what I like. I don’t have hobbies…I feel that there’s nothing too me. I’m just a husk, at the moment, with no personality or life of my own.

Thank you for this, too: “I’ll close with this: your growing awareness of these patterns, along with the steps you’re taking to involve social services, suggest that you want to reclaim your life while maintaining compassion for your mother. The struggle now is finding the strength to prioritize yourself without drowning in guilt, redefining what self-care looks like, and building trust in your own needs, desires, and autonomy.

You deserve to be present in your own life, not just as a caretaker or problem-solver for someone else. The process of stepping back will take time, but even recognizing the need for change is a powerful first step.”

This is the point I’ve reached now, I just have to find the strength to see this through and to prioritise myself. Truthfully, I don’t know if I can do it… or where even to begin. But I desperately want to try.

Aside from putting in place practical measures/services to support my mother, I have also joined the gym and have decided I want to just try and make time for myself to do ONE THING just for myself, every week. Alongside this, I need/want to find a way to limit or manage contact so that my days aren’t interrupted by whatever is going on in her life. Added complication for me is that I have ADHD (only recently diagnosed), so I do get overwhelmed very easily, but my medication does help with this and I think it’s given me a lot more clarity.

Thank you all for reading and for your help and comments so far. It’s useful to know that others have gone through similar experiences, and that it’s possible (if challenging) to come out the other side.

Thank you :).
Sophie