Thats a great idea. I really appreciate the input.
Now I just need to get over my insecurities. She tells me how much of a positive impact ive had on her life, how shes feeling like her old self again. And i always tell her how much shes helped me, how she makes me feel complete for the first time. Theres a little voice in my head going “shes just pitying you” but when i take a second to stop and think, i know thats not true. I know that she loves me. Its just hard to stay out of my own head and believe that someone so incredible can love someone like me.
Ive mentioned it to her, how i cant believe someone like her can love me. She always tells me that im an amazing and incredible guy. She always knows how to silence my demons, i just need to work on silencing them when im on my own i guess

I currently live with my father. We live in a two family house he owns, we live in the basement and my sister lives on the first floor with her boyfriend and the second floor is rented to tenants. I recently started paying rent for my room, more so as an act of symbolism expressing my independence( as im 31 years old) and so that i can call it my place as opposed to saying i live with my father. Our relationship has dramatically improved over the years, although we dont have much of an emotional relationship. I know he loves me although I honestly cant remember the last time he said it to me. We coexist and give him a ride to work in the mornings on my way to work. I usually feel ok around him although he can be sometimes be rude or blunt and quickly get under my skin. For context im normally very mellow and easy going and i dont let people get to me, but my father is the only person that can get to me with a few words. Thankfully it hasnt happened recently, as far as i can remember anyway

I always felt unsafe as a child, my father came off as an abusive bully in an attempt to make me tougher. I was an outcast in school so acceptance was something i didn’t really feel until high school. Relationship wise ive been in more than a few, but the few times i thought i felt something really strong and pursued someone it normally ended in heartbreak. Ive always felt like i was never good enough, like i didn’t deserve to be happy. Unhappiness and anxiety were always with me. Even now a part of me is worried about talking too much about my relationship, that somehow talking about how amazing and happy i feel will somehow jinx my relationship

Thank you. I feel like the guilt is kicking in and there’s no guarantee that i will be with my old friend since she has her own issues to work out but i kept thinking to myself that fear of being alone or rejected isnt a good enough reason to stay in a relationship. The guilt is really harsh but if i go back now i feel like it will eventually wear off and i’ll keep feeling this way towards my friend and keep talking to her in secret. They both deserve better than that.
I guess the shock is still fresh from the brain quake