Hi all, I feel for you and can massively relate.

Ive a similar situation but not quite the same.

I have been with my boyfriend for well over three years now and it’s my first serious relationship; we met when we were young (he was 17, I was 16). He kind of swept me off my feet and things were good on the whole, some tough times, but we prided ourselves with our ability to communicate and work through issues. He was my first for everything, and he’s definitely my best friend and I’ve never felt closer to someone. We’re both at uni now, a couple of hours train ride away from each other, and see each other almost every weekend. It’s tough being apart but we make it work. Second year of uni has been really stressful for me and I’ve developed intense anxiety and panic attacks. He’s wonderfully supportive and patient with me, even though I’m a complete wreck, and I can’t thank him enough. Lately (and this hasn’t really been the first time) I’ve been having some serious doubts about our relationship. I’m wondering whether my anxiety is caused (at least in part) because I know deep down I’m not happy with us. It’s exhausting because one day I’ll seriously question whether it’s him as a person that I love or just the company (the “having a boyfriend”), I can’t stand him, and I find myself musing on what being single might be like. I get irritable and impatient, cold and sarcastic – the ugly side of my personality is brought out which I absolutely hate. Then a few days later I’ll be with him and I’ll feel so happy- I wonder why I ever felt so unsure. It just goes round and round. Slowly, I’ve had this sickening feeling creeping up on me that something’s fundamentally wrong and when I try to put my finger on what it is, I honestly can’t tell whether they are legit reasons or just my mind playing tricks on me by blowing things out of proportion. I care about him so much but I’m not sure if I can see a future with him, because we are quite different, and at this age if I can’t see a future then what’s the point? I may as well end it sooner rather than later and enjoy uni life with a bit more freedom, right? Or maybe, my relationship doubts are an effect rather than a cause of my anxiety, so… oh how do I even tell which is which? If it’s an effect of my anxiety then I should seek help to sort it and not make any rash decisions about this relationship. If it’s the cause… then I suppose there’s an obvious but infinitely difficult solution. I really really don’t want to hurt him or regret losing him if it really is all in my mind. But I just can’t tell whether my feelings are justified or all part of the irrationality that comes with anxiety. The sad part is, we’ve nearly split a couple of times and I sometimes find myself wishing that we had split then when there were more concrete reasons, compared to now when it’s all so vague. I can’t tell whether I’m undecided, or whether I know what to do but am just too scared to do it. I’m a complete mess. I’ve never felt so low. Just so miserable because I can’t stand the thought of breaking his heart when I know he’s very happy in the relationship. And I’m not even sure if thats the right decision anyway. What do I do?