Thank you, Anita, so much. It’s this support that is so vital to the process I think… I try to tell myself these things over and over as affirmations — even if I don’t necessarily believe them to be true at the time, if I consciously get into the habit of repeating these thoughts in my head then I hope they will eventually sink in. It’s frustrating because I’ve tried to time after time repeatedly for two years  to just “snap out of it” and to wake up to the chaos that I’ve been living in. After one point you just accept that chaos and pain to be the norm, for his truths to be THE truth, and if I try to be anything else I feel like I’m living a lie.

Thank you, cath — I can feel your kindness and care through your words and it’s having a positive effect on me. 🙂  I am certainly trying to find activities that put me into a flow state and to feel more like me. It has been  the moments when anger rises up inside of me like an unexpected tidal wave at even the slightest triggers that frighten me — I think I just need to trust in these feelings as a process and not fight them.

To your point, Donna, I did wonder many times about the narcissistic personality thing. And he most certainly had some narcissistic tendencies (but don’t we all?). It was actually very interesting to meet his father, because while his father had done some terrible things to hurt my ex and his family, I still found myself liking him and drawn to the charismatic nature of his behavior. It truly makes me wonder what is going on here, and as someone who still genuinely cares for my ex and his mental state, I suspect this talk about narcissistic personality stems most likely from his upbringing and what he was taught about love and partnership. I do hope he can heal from that pain.

I hear your suggestion about psychotherapy and have considered it often, to get to the root of why I let this happen for so long. I talked to several sources at different times, but I think I was looking for some kind of diagnosed cure-all and answers of enlightenment from professionals — when unfortunately it doesn’t work that way and you have to really just work through it.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your reply. I have turned to several for advice on this, and your response has brought me the most peace and kindness thus far.

There were many times in this relationship when in the peak of my anger I would ask myself how I would want to be treated if I were the one I loved; if I were him, what would be the kind of treatment I craved and looked for. Maybe this is why it hurts so much, because we have such different moral standards from each other? I felt strong when returning to that space of forgiveness for a while, but somewhere there was a turning point where all that I was left with was anger and uncertainty that I was doing the right thing. I’m afraid that I have changed for the worse from this experience. I can’t help but internalize the feeling that this was my fault, if I had only been a different way, he would have loved me in the way that I needed to be loved. I’ve turned into one of the meanest people I know, and my immediate reaction towards almost all other people is one of negativity.  I am afraid that I pushed myself to the limit in terms of the kind of love I can give to people without feeling as though it should be reciprocated. In short — while I want to protect myself, I’ve become jaded, bitter, and antagonistic and don’t know how to tap into the emotions that  made me who I used to be anymore.  This makes me so frightened and lost.