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erin

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  • in reply to: Healing from a traumatic, toxic, on/off relationship… #147093
    erin
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita, so much. It’s this support that is so vital to the process I think… I try to tell myself these things over and over as affirmations — even if I don’t necessarily believe them to be true at the time, if I consciously get into the habit of repeating these thoughts in my head then I hope they will eventually sink in. It’s frustrating because I’ve tried to time after time repeatedly for two years  to just “snap out of it” and to wake up to the chaos that I’ve been living in. After one point you just accept that chaos and pain to be the norm, for his truths to be THE truth, and if I try to be anything else I feel like I’m living a lie.

    Thank you, cath — I can feel your kindness and care through your words and it’s having a positive effect on me. 🙂  I am certainly trying to find activities that put me into a flow state and to feel more like me. It has been  the moments when anger rises up inside of me like an unexpected tidal wave at even the slightest triggers that frighten me — I think I just need to trust in these feelings as a process and not fight them.

    To your point, Donna, I did wonder many times about the narcissistic personality thing. And he most certainly had some narcissistic tendencies (but don’t we all?). It was actually very interesting to meet his father, because while his father had done some terrible things to hurt my ex and his family, I still found myself liking him and drawn to the charismatic nature of his behavior. It truly makes me wonder what is going on here, and as someone who still genuinely cares for my ex and his mental state, I suspect this talk about narcissistic personality stems most likely from his upbringing and what he was taught about love and partnership. I do hope he can heal from that pain.

    I hear your suggestion about psychotherapy and have considered it often, to get to the root of why I let this happen for so long. I talked to several sources at different times, but I think I was looking for some kind of diagnosed cure-all and answers of enlightenment from professionals — when unfortunately it doesn’t work that way and you have to really just work through it.

    in reply to: Healing from a traumatic, toxic, on/off relationship… #146865
    erin
    Participant

    anita,

    Thank you for your response. It’s almost been two months now. He is not trying to pursue me anymore. I have no idea what the future holds. I’m not really sure how I feel and whether or not I can prevent my feelings from clouding what I know is true, whatever feelings they are. I definitely am so angry at him for hurting me like this, and at myself for still thinking about it. When I found out, I was hysterical, throwing his things and physically trying to fight him. I waver between anger and sympathy for him when all I want is to feel nothing at all. And I have anger at myself for letting this affect me so deeply. I am angry at the injustice that he gets to move on and be with someone new, while I’m left here picking up all the pieces of the mess he made. I am angry that he finds it so easy to pick up and move on with his life when I’m trying and I can’t. I resent him just for being him and I’m angry at myself for feeling that way about another human being. I have certainly developed an inferiority complex. Here was someone who everyone says is genuine and kind and a great catch, so in my head, I feel like it must have been something about me that provoke him to cheat and to lie. I really don’t think that he would do this to anyone else or ever again, so the triggering factor must have been me. And then at the same time, I have to tell myself it’s not true, and every day is a constant battle between these thoughts. It’s mental torture day after day.

    in reply to: Healing from a traumatic, toxic, on/off relationship… #146547
    erin
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your reply. I have turned to several for advice on this, and your response has brought me the most peace and kindness thus far.

    There were many times in this relationship when in the peak of my anger I would ask myself how I would want to be treated if I were the one I loved; if I were him, what would be the kind of treatment I craved and looked for. Maybe this is why it hurts so much, because we have such different moral standards from each other? I felt strong when returning to that space of forgiveness for a while, but somewhere there was a turning point where all that I was left with was anger and uncertainty that I was doing the right thing. I’m afraid that I have changed for the worse from this experience. I can’t help but internalize the feeling that this was my fault, if I had only been a different way, he would have loved me in the way that I needed to be loved. I’ve turned into one of the meanest people I know, and my immediate reaction towards almost all other people is one of negativity.  I am afraid that I pushed myself to the limit in terms of the kind of love I can give to people without feeling as though it should be reciprocated. In short — while I want to protect myself, I’ve become jaded, bitter, and antagonistic and don’t know how to tap into the emotions that  made me who I used to be anymore.  This makes me so frightened and lost.

Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)